


if you'd stay, i would even wait all night

by golden_sky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: 1990s, Abuse, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Artist Kara Danvers, Bad Parent Lillian Luthor, Coming of Age, Depression, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Lesbian Kara Danvers, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenage Rebellion, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 59,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26617018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_sky/pseuds/golden_sky
Summary: Lena doesn’t let herself think about how Kara won’t even be around to do it for her anymore in October. Lena will be at MIT, and Kara will be in New York at Pratt, and their lives will be going in completely opposite directions, probably to never meet up again.Or, it’s 1995, Kara and Lena are headed off to different colleges in three months, Kara’s in denial about losing Lena like she’s lost everyone else, and Lena’s having an identity crisis, while also pretending not to be in love with her best friend. And, oh wait, Kara is, too.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 96
Kudos: 181





	1. till you pick me off the ground

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first time doing a multichapter fic since I usually like to keep things short, but this idea just kept getting longer and longer and now here we are. It’s probably going to total between 50k and 60k words when I’m done, so it’s going to be the longest thing I’ve ever written, too. 
> 
> This fic was heavily inspired by the song Summertime by MCR which I have been listening to constantly since April and slowly spun into this. I hadn’t written anything in a long time and it was what completely brought my inspiration back (mostly the vibes, which are amazing and I’ve been trying to capture in the tone of this, but I think that’ll be more in the next chapters than this one). 
> 
> Enjoy! x

Lena taps her pencil on the desk while she stares at the last question of her chemistry final and thinks: I think I might hate chemistry.

  


She almost drops her pencil.

  


It’s not that chemistry has never frustrated her before, but she’s had her heart set on it as what she would study for the rest of her life since she was five. Since she was peering over Lex’s shoulder as he did his sixth grade periodic table homework. Since her father bought her her first chemistry set for Christmas that year and said, “Something like this is a Luthor rite of passage. I’m so proud of you, Lena.”

  


It was the only time he’d ever said that to her. So, yeah. Of course she was going to be set on chemistry for the rest of her life after that.

  


Every Halloween she’d dressed as a scientist until her parents had deemed her too old for dress up. She bought every book she could find on Chemistry and inhaled them within hours for fun. She would follow her father to work to see what he did in the labs, and when Lex started helping out at his work for experience she’d followed him, too. She dedicated her life to this, and now—

  


_I think I might hate chemistry_ , she thinks again.

  


She finishes the last question in a daze, gets up from her desk, and shoves it into her teacher’s hand. She doesn’t even register her teacher’s friendly, “Have a great summer, and good luck at MIT next year!” but later will hope she had at least attempted a smile in response.

  


She grabs what’s left in her locker—just her bag now—and leaves the building. She expects to feel weird when she does, like her body knows that this is the last time she’s ever stepping foot in the building she spent the last four years of her life, but she doesn’t. She just feels the same.

  


She leans up against the wall behind the school, gazing out over the football field. There’s a few guys on it throwing a ball around, and she can hear their laughter and yelling from where she’s standing. She hears one of them yell something that sounds like, “You throw like a fag!” and winces. She pulls out a pack of Malboros from her bag, and barely has one lit when it’s pulled out of her hand.

  


“You know, smoking kills,” Kara says, wide grin on her face and eyes shining behind her glasses. She takes a drag from the cigarette and hands it back.

  


“You know me,” Lena replies ruefully, taking a long drag. Her lungs burn with it, and she closes her eyes. “Always looking for a new, exciting way to decrease my lifespan.”

  


Kara snorts, and Lena feels her shift next to her. When she opens her eyes, Kara has one arm propped against the wall, and she’s watching her.

  


“Wouldn’t exactly call this new.” Kara gestured towards the cigarette with her chin. “We’ve been bumming those off Alex since she’s been old enough to buy them.”

  


Lena smiles because it’s true. Alex has been smoking for years but she wouldn’t let Kara or Lena have any until she was buying them herself. Said she didn’t want to share when she didn’t know when she’d be able to get someone to get her more. When she’d turned eighteen she’d bought both of them a pack and said, “Now will you two get off my back?” They’d gone down to the basement of Kara and Alex’s house and both lit up at the same time, and then choked on it the same time, too. Alex had laughed so hard at them she’d almost thrown up, and they’d almost thrown up themselves from coughing so hard.

  


“Maybe you just aren’t cut out for smoking,” Alex had laughed.

  


Lena flipped her off while still gagging. Alex had just laughed even harder.

  


“And now you can buy your own,” Lena says softly, blowing out some smoke. “Time really flies.”

  


Kara gives her a strange look, eyes squinted and thoughtful.

  


“You’ll be able to in October,” Kara points out, nudging Lena’s side. “And then you won’t need me around anymore to do it for you.”

  


Lena doesn’t let herself think about how Kara won’t even be around to do it for her anymore in October. Lena will be at MIT, and Kara will be in New York at Pratt, and their lives will be going in completely opposite directions, probably to never meet up again.

  


She takes an extra hard drag and almost chokes.

  


“I’m always gonna need you around,” Lena admits before she can stop herself. Kara blinks. Lena swallows hard, and forces a cocky smile. “Who else is gonna look awkward smoking next to me so I’ll seem cooler?”

  


Kara rolls her eyes and whacks Lena in the arm, muttering, “Asshole.” Lena giggles, and misses the way Kara smiles at the sound of it.

  


“So what are you doing here?” Lena asks, corner of her mouth still quirked up. “I thought you had your English final until three.”

  


“And I thought you had your Chemistry final until three,” Kara shoots back easily. “I finished early, and I saw you walk out. You looked kind of sad.” Kara bites her lip, and Lena tries not to focus on it.

  


It’s obvious Kara is prompting her to tell her what’s wrong, but Lena doesn’t think she wants to. Kara is usually the first one she goes to when something’s bothering her because there’s just something about the way that Kara listens. She does it intently, like she’s hanging on to your every word, and when you’re done she’ll give you the most honest advice she can come up with. It’s never failed to make Lena feel better.

  


But she doesn’t want to admit this out loud. To say that she’s starting to think that everything she’s ever wanted in life isn’t what she really wants at all would make it real. If she makes it real she thinks it’ll choke her, and she’s not about to die behind her high school on the last day with a bunch of douchebag football players yelling slurs at each other thirty feet away.

  


“Just thinking about how high school’s over,” Lena lies smoothly, eyes flicking away to gaze out at the field, just as one of the boys tackles another. “I’m gonna miss it, you know?”

  


She knows Kara is giving her that look, brows furrowed and lips slightly parted when she’s confused. She doesn’t even have to see it.

  


“Lena, you hated high school,” Kara says. “You’ve been telling me every day for the past four years that you hate almost everyone here and if the place burned down you’d clap.”

  


Lena shrugs noncommittally.

  


“Guess it’s the nostalgia, then, I don’t know.” She drops her cigarette on the ground and stubs it out with her boot. “You want to go to your place?”

  


When she peeks at Kara, she’s still got that same expression. Her face smooths over after a second, and she smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  


“Yeah, sure,” Kara agrees, hoisting her bag up over her shoulder. “Did you drive here? ‘Cause if you walked we can take my car.”

  


Lena shakes her head. “I drove. And I have to go drop off my stuff at my house first, anyway. I’ll meet you at yours in like half an hour.”

  


Kara nods, and heads off towards her car, waving at Lena over her shoulder. Lena smiles back and grabs her own bag, pulling it up on her back.

  


As she walks to her car, she tries not to think about how much her life is going to change soon. She hadn’t been lying to Kara about missing high school, at least not completely. As much as she hated most of the people and the way they viewed her and treated her, she liked the easiness of it, the routine of it. For four years her life was just getting up, going to school, going to science or debate club, doing homework, hanging out at Kara’s, and going with her father to work on the weekends. Now it’s all going to be different, and she isn’t sure that it’s even the kind of different she wants.

  


She’s hoping that when she gets home the house will be empty, but Lena’s never had good luck. The second she opens the door, Lillian is on top of her immediately.

  


“Have you been smoking again?” is the first thing she says. Lena rolls her eyes.

  


“Just my car acting up again,” Lena mutters, making a note to hide her cigarettes once she got to her room. “Maybe have Lex take a look at it later if he’s around?”

  


It doesn’t look like Lillian believes her, but she doesn’t say anything else either. Lena heads upstairs to her room and locks the door behind her. She grabs the cigarettes from her bag and stuffs them in the pocket of the jacket she pulls on because she’s sure she’ll want them later, or tomorrow, if she even bothers coming back that night.

  


She’s back downstairs a few minutes later, and Lena hears Lillian in her office. She walks slowly, hoping to make it past without—

  


“Where are you going?” Lillian asks, standing in the doorway. She has a folder in her hand and a pen tucked behind her ear.

  


“Going out,” Lena says. It’s no secret that Lillian doesn’t like Kara, that Lionel doesn’t either. They think she’s some sort of bad influence, like selfless, sunny eyed Kara Danvers who’d probably sacrifice her life for a puppy could have been the one to make Lena all moody and rebellious. Not like it could have been the terrible home environment.

  


“Out where?” Lillian asks, and Lena can tell from the way she shifts that she’s settling in for a long conversation. Lena decides its better to just grit her teeth and get it over with.

  


“To Kara’s,” Lena clarifies, moving towards the door. “I’ll probably stay over, don’t wait up.”

  


She almost gets to the door before Lillian is putting a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

  


“Hold on,” Lillian says, keeping a firm hold on Lena’s shoulder. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  


Lena bites her lip to hold back the, _well I didn’t ask_ , that’s dying to make its way off her tongue. She doesn’t need to give Lillian an actual excuse to ground her.

  


“Mother,” Lena says, taking a deep breath. “It was the last day of classes. Don’t you think I should be able to go celebrate with my friend?”

  


Lillian scoffs.

  


“Celebrate,” she repeats mockingly. “I know what you two get up to together.”

  


Lena grits her teeth. It’s not that Lillian is even so wrong about what her and Kara do when they hang out together. Yeah, they smoke in her basement and drink the vodka Alex hides down there, and sometimes if they’re lucky they’ll score some weed and smoke that, too. But it’s not like they do anything really bad. They just turn on some bad horror movies and giggle at the shitty effects until they both pass out on the downstairs cot. They don’t get into any trouble. Lillian can’t even prove that that’s what they do. And it’s not all the time either. Sometimes they do all that without the drugs or the alcohol.

  


What she doesn’t like is that Lillian sees right through her. She always has. She knows Lena like the back of her hand, and Lena can’t stand it.

  


Lillian doesn’t hate Kara because of what they actually do together; it’s because of what she knows Lena wants to do with Kara.

  


And, so what? Yeah, Lena has a small crush on Kara, but it isn’t a big deal or anything. It isn’t her fault that Kara is sweet and kind and hilarious and the best person she’s ever met and, to top it all off, absolutely gorgeous. Anyone would have a bit of a crush on her. It’s not like Lena would ever act on it.

  


“We’re just gonna watch some movies,” Lena insists, trying not to let her anger shine through. She isn’t doing a good job. “I don’t know what else you think we’d be doing, but that’s it. And Alex will probably be there, too. It’s no big deal.”

  


Lillian shakes her head.

  


“I just don’t understand why you can’t spend time with girls that are more of your...caliber. Like that nice girl, Andrea.”

  


Lena barely resists rolling her eyes. Andrea had been a good friend at one point, albeit a little stuck up. But she hadn’t been as good as a girlfriend, since she’d left Lena for some guy named Russell only two months after the first time they’d kissed.

  


And, in any case, Lillian wouldn’t be saying those things about Andrea if she’d known what her and Lena had gotten up to.

  


“Andrea and I aren’t really friends anymore,” Lena tells her for probably the fiftieth time. “Can I please just go?”

  


For a second, Lena really thinks Lillian is going to give in. She said please, she hadn’t talked back, and Lena hasn’t tried to go see Kara (that Lillian knows of) since two weeks ago. She has everything going for her, and Lillian is considering her the way that usually means Lena’s won for now.

  


“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Lillian finally decides, turning back towards her office. “Go up to your room and work on your graduation speech. We’ll be expecting you for dinner in an hour.” She leaves before Lena can protest.

  


Lena shuts her eyes and bites her lip to hold off a scream. She’s so fucking sick of it all.

  


She stomps up to her room like the jaded teenage girl she is and throws herself down on her bed. She never should have come home in the first place. She should’ve just went with Kara.

  


After a good five minutes to sulk, she pulls her cell phone out of her bag and dials Kara’s house. It rings three times before Kara picks up.

  


“What’s up?” Kara asks, voice grainy. “Need a ride or something?”

  


“I can’t come,” Lena groans into her pillow. “My mother won’t let me. She was going on again about you being a bad influence. It’s such bullshit.”

  


“Again?” Kara is quiet for a few seconds, and Lena can just picture her biting her lip with that small crease between her brow. “I just don’t get why she hates me so much.”

  


Lena does, but there’s no way she’s gonna tell Kara. There’s no easy way to say to your best friend, “My mother doesn’t want me to hang out with you because she thinks I’m in love with you or something and wants to spend all our time together making out. Isn’t that ridiculous?” At least, Lena doesn’t think there is.

  


“That’s just who she is,” Lena settles on, and it’s not even too far from the truth. “She hates anything that makes me happy.”

  


Lena can practically hear Kara frowning through the phone at that.

  


“Look, Kara, don’t worry about it,” Lena placates before Kara can go on another rant about how Lillian should love Lena properly. “I’ll be by later, promise.”

  


“Are you sure?” Kara asks, and, yeah, her brows are definitely scrunched up now if they weren’t before. “I don’t want you to get in any trouble.”

  


Lena snorts a laugh.

  


“There’s never a time when I’m not in trouble, don’t worry.” Lena rolls onto her back and inspects her ceiling. There’s a jagged crack in the paint just above her head. “Me existing is grounds for punishment here. Sneaking out and seeing you is worth it. And I haven’t been caught yet.”

  


Kara doesn’t say anything, and Lena knows she’s worried. She sighs.

  


“Kara, I promise you, I’m not gonna get caught,” Lena insists. “And even if I do, it doesn’t matter. I’ll find a way to keep doing it because I’d rather see you than not piss off Lillian, all right?”

  


“Okay,” Kara finally agrees, in that same reluctant tone she does every time they have this exact conversation. “Just be careful, okay?”

  


“I’m always careful,” Lena assures, pushing down the fuzzy feeling she gets at Kara’s soft tone. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

  


Kara murmurs her agreement and they hang up, Lena dropping the phone next to her after. She considers for a split second working on her speech like Lillian said, but she doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction. She rolls over and falls asleep instead. If she’s gonna be out at Kara’s all night, she’s gonna need the extra sleep anyway.

  


Her dream goes like this:

  


She’s standing in the hallway at Kara’s house, the one where Kara’s door is on one side and Alex’s is on the other. Through the window at the end of the hall she can see a storm outside, see the lightning flash. She’s walking towards the window and she’s thinking, _I’m going to jump, I’m going to jump_. The window flies open and the rainwater hits down on the hardwood floor, and Lena walks until the water wets her bare toes.

  


A hand lands on her shoulder then, and a voice says into her ear, “You don’t have to walk into the water, Lena.” Lena turns her head towards the voice, and it’s Kara, and they’re so close her breath is warming Lena’s cheek. There’s a sharp pain in Lena’s back and she gasps from it.

  


Kara’s lips curve into a smile. “You’re going to drown anyway,” she promises, and the pain gets worse, so much worse, like a knife twisting and tearing out her insides.

  


“Close your eyes, Lena.” And Lena does, and tears are falling down her cheeks. She can feel Kara coming closer and closer, until she feels the soft pressure of Kara’s lips against her right eyelid and then the left. There’s a clatter of something metallic hitting the ground behind her, and something in Lena’s mind says _knife_.

  


“Hey,” a new voice says, as Lena blinks her way into consciousness. “Mother wants you down for dinner.”

  


When Lena’s eyes shift into focus, Lex is standing above her, an easy grin on his face.

  


Lena rolls back over and curls around her pillow.

  


“F’ck off,” she mumbles, squeezing her eyes tight. She can hear Lex laughing from over her.

  


“Sorry, kid,” Lex says, shaking her and not sounding sorry at all. “Mother’s gonna be pissed if you aren’t down in five minutes. You’re lucky I came to get you, she called you down twice already.”

  


Lena groans and reluctantly sits up, sluggishly getting out of bed. She yawns big as she smooths the wrinkles out of her clothes and runs her fingers through her hair.

  


“Do I look like I just woke up?” Lena asks, rubbing her eyes and rolling her shoulders.

  


“Do you want me to be honest?” Lex asks skeptically, and Lena rolls her eyes. That’s answer enough.

  


She grabs a hairbrush off her dresser and combs through her hair for real, hoping that’ll be enough to placate Lillian. She can feel Lex hovering behind her still.

  


“Checked out your car,” he says conversationally. “There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it.”

  


“There isn’t,” Lena agrees. “I was smoking and I wanted to get Mother off my back.”

  


Lex tsks behind her and Lena resists the urge to shove him.

  


“She doesn’t complain when _you_ smoke,” Lena points out, pulling roughly at a knot in her hair.

  


“That’s because she doesn’t still see me as a kid,” Lex says, leaning up against the dresser. “Which you are, by the way.”

  


The “I’m not a kid!” just barely stays held on her tongue. See? Lena knows how to control herself. That’s maturity right there.

  


“You started smoking younger than me,” Lena scoffs, putting down the hairbrush and turning to Lex, crossing her arms over her chest. “And she doesn’t see me as a kid. She just wants me to be a “proper lady.” It’s bullshit.”

  


Lex gives her a knowing smile and Lena hates it. Lex always looks at her like he knows something she doesn’t. It’s just like Lillian, except less malicious.

  


“She used to complain when I smoked at your age, too,” he tells her. “She took so many packs off me I lost count. She’d check my pockets every time I came home, even. She may not be great at showing it, but she’s doing it because she cares.”

  


Lena shakes her head because that’s not true. Lillian doesn’t care for her and she never has. She’s known that since the day the Luthors adopted her after her real mother died. She’s been cold to Lena her whole life, but affectionate to Lex in her own way. Lena never got any type of affection from her, not even when she was a little kid and crying because she missed her mom.

  


“Maybe she’s just not good at showing it,” Kara had suggested once, just like Lex, voice a little slurred from the booze they’d been drinking, something strong and gross Lena can’t remember the name of now, if she even knew it before. They were lying next to each other on the small basement cot, and Lena had cried as she told Kara about her relationship with Lillian. “I can’t see how anyone couldn’t love you, Lena. And she’s your family.” Lena didn’t have the heart to tell her that it’s not always that simple.

  


“Well if she does care, she certainly is shit at showing it,” Lena mumbles, pushing past Lex and out the door. She hears him follow behind her and close the door to her bedroom.

  


Dinner is a quiet affair, like always. No one really has anything to say to one another. Lionel and Lillian are both doing work as they eat, penning things down on documents Lena doesn’t even want to consider the contents of. Lex occasionally answers questions from both Lionel and Lillian about work and life since he hasn’t been home in a few days, but otherwise knows not to bother trying to engage in any sort of conversation with the two. As for Lena, it’s like she doesn’t even exist. She’s so used to it she can’t even bother to care anymore.

  


After dinner, Lena helps to clear the table and wash the dishes like always, Lex at her side to help today. They don’t really talk much, and Lena guesses it’s because Lex can sense she isn’t in the mood. It’s one of the few times she’s grateful for his sixth sense for reading people.

  


When they’re done, she goes up to her room and flops down on the bed. It’s only eight, and she can’t head over to Kara’s until at least one. She has to wait until she hears Lillian leave her study and come upstairs, and then another twenty minutes to be sure she’s in bed. If her work load is light, Lena may even be able to be out by midnight.

  


She fucks around on her guitar to keep herself occupied, just strumming along to whatever tune comes into her head. She’d gotten it a few years back, after Kara had discovered the wonders of glam rock and decided she wanted to start a band. Lena had begged her parents for a guitar until they finally gave in, and Lena had practiced endlessly until she’d learned how to play their favorite songs on it while Kara sang along. The band thing had fallen through after a few months, but Lena’s love for the guitar had not. With everything that’s going on in her head now, she’s starting to think it’s the only thing in her life that she truly enjoys.

  


She has to put it down after ten because she knows from experience that Lionel will come in and yell at her. Lillian may be willing to stay up late for work, but Lionel has a strict bed time of ten o’clock every night. Lena’s just glad she doesn’t have to listen out for the both of them.

  


Lena hears Lillian come upstairs at one thirty, just as she’s starting to nod off again while reading a book. She slams it shut when she hears the bedroom door close and grabs her jacket, throwing it on and making sure her Malboros are still inside. She wouldn’t have put it past Lex to nab them while she was sleeping.

  


She sits on her bed for twenty minutes, hands in her pockets and staring her her clock. Once it’s been long enough, she pulls on her shoes, opens her window, and takes a deep breath.

  


Climbing out of her window isn’t the easiest thing to do, but it’s her only option, and she’s done it so many times she’s lost count. She ducks out onto the sloped roof under her window, and carefully walks to the edge of the roof until she can grab onto the high branches of the tree in her yard. She pulls herself into the tree and climbs down it until she’s on a branch low enough to jump out without fear of breaking a limb.

  


Once she’s out the the tree, she only needs to hop the short fence to get into her front yard and she’s home free. After that, it’s only a ten minute walk to Kara’s house which she spends listening to her walkman and smoking, so it’s not so bad, even in the pitch darkness of Midvale streets at two in the morning. At Kara’s house, she pulls the spare key out of the potted plant on the left (she used to climb into the basement window, where Kara would be waiting out for her back in the day, but Eliza eventually told her she may as well use the front door when she realized that Lena wasn’t going to stop coming over in the middle of the night and she didn’t have the heart to make her) and opens the front door.

  


The house is dark, darker than it usually is. All of the Danvers are night owls, so there always seems to be a light on no matter what time of day it is. She wonders if Kara went to bed, but also knows that Kara rarely ever sleeps at all, so it isn’t very likely.

  


She heads upstairs, where she can hear the faint sound of music coming from under Alex’s door at from top of the steps. It’s something heavy and angry that Lena doesn’t recognize, and she figures that means Alex won’t be coming out of her room tonight.

  


Stepping into the hallway sends a jolt through her, and she suddenly remembers her dream from earlier. A part of her wants to turn around and leave, put off by the memory, and she hates it. The Danvers’ house is the only place she’s ever really loved to be, and she doesn’t want to let a nightmare ruin that. She pushes down the feeling and quietly makes her way to Kara’s room, pushing open the door slowly.

  


Kara is sitting on her bed, with just the faint glow of her bedside lamp illuminating her. She’s wearing her pajamas and has her legs crossed, and she’s focused intently on the papers she has spread all of over her bed. Lena can’t make out what they are from the doorway, but she assumes they’re probably some sketches.

  


“Kara?” Lena whispers, and Kara’s head immediately jerks up in surprise. She must not have heard her come in.

  


Kara plasters a smile on her face, but it doesn’t meet her eyes. She starts almost frantically grabbing the papers on the bed as Lena comes closer.

  


“Secret project?” Lena asks, plucking one of the papers off the bed spread before Kara can collect it.

  


It’s not what she was expecting. It is a sketch, but it’s of a woman who’s skin is melting off, the top of her skull only bone and her eyes falling out of the sockets. Lena feels her eyebrows shoot up just as Kara snatches the paper and holds it close.

  


“Yeah, secret,” Kara says pointedly, not meeting Lena’s eye. Lena knows better than to ask.

  


She doesn’t really have to, either. She can guess what it’s about. She knows that Kara has nightmares so bad she doesn’t sleep more nights than she does. She also knows that Kara draws her dreams as a way to get them out of her head since she doesn’t want to talk about them.

  


Lena doesn’t know for sure because Kara refuses to talk about it, but she thinks the dreams are probably about the fire most of Kara’s family died in with she was thirteen, which led to her being adopted by the Danvers. It makes her sick to consider who the woman she drew probably was.

  


Kara is stuffing the drawings into a folder, gaze laser focused on her hands, so Lena decides it’s best to try to change the subject. She sits herself down on the edge of the bed, and pins her eyes on Kara’s face rather than what she’s doing.

  


“Sorry I couldn’t come around,” Lena says. “Lillian wasn’t in a good mood today.”

  


Kara makes an annoyed sound, and looks up, meeting Lena’s eyes. Lena’s surprised to see she actually appears angry.

  


“You know, you don’t deserve the way she treats you,” Kara says fiercely, dropping the folder into her lap. “The way either of your parents treat you. You’re just...I wish they’d see you the way I see you. I wish everyone would.”

  


Lena blinks. A feeling wells up in her chest, something bold and almost painful. It feels almost like she’s dying, and panic catches in her throat.

  


“How do you see me?” Lena finds herself asking, almost without thought. She needs to know, it’s like she’s aching for it. But she doesn’t know exactly what she’s aching for Kara to say.

  


“Like...” Kara trails off, bites her lip. Her eyes dart away, studying some point on the wall beyond Lena’s shoulder. “It’s like when I’m looking at a painting, right? And I’m thinking about what it means, how every paint stroke has its purpose and when it all comes together it’s beautiful and it says something powerful. And I’m staring at it for hours just trying to get it and take it all in. And there’s other people around me that glance at it for half a second and leave, and they write it off immediately because they think it’s just some lines and there’s no real depth there, yeah? But they aren’t really observing it. They just see the color and the shapes, they aren’t seeing what it’s really trying to say or all the work that was put into creating that meaning. They just see a painting.”

  


Lena furrows her brows.

  


“Are you calling me a painting?”

  


Kara makes a frustrated sound.

  


“No, I...” She shakes her head. “I mean everyone thinks you’re just the smartest person at our school, as the Luthor that’s continuing on her family legacy. And you’re just...you’re so much more than that. When I think about who you are the last thing I think about is your last name or that you’re gonna be a scientist. All your parents seem to think about is that and I just...I just wish that they saw you as a person instead of as your grades or your future job.”

  


Lena doesn’t even know what to say. She feels a surge of emotion within her, something that starts in the pit of her belly and grows until it’s lodged in her throat. She swallows hard, and is embarrassed to feel that her eyes are stinging.

  


“When was the last time you got any sleep?” Lena finds herself asking, so she doesn’t say something stupid like _I hate to imagine what my life is going to be like without you_.

  


Kara blinks at her, and an almost disappointed look briefly covers her face before it’s gone so quick Lena wonders if she imagined it. Kara snorts and looks away.

  


“My lack of sleep has nothing to do with me thinking you deserve more appreciation,” Kara protests, and Lena feels that stirring in her stomach again. She avidly ignores it.

  


“Which means?” Lena prods because she really is worried. The bruises under Kara’s eyes are so dark they’re almost purple, and even the easygoing smile she manages to plaster on doesn’t even come close to reaching her eyes.

  


“Been a few days,” Kara admits, peering down at her lap.

  


Lena comes closer, sits down on the the bed. She puts a hand on Kara’s knee where it’s under her blanket, and Kara gives her this wide eyed expression she doesn’t understand.

  


“How many?” she asks softly.

  


Kara shrugs noncommittally, and Lena takes that to mean it’s been more than what would qualify as “a few” days.

  


“Maybe I should go, then,” Lena suggests, and Kara jerks her head up towards her, an almost panicked look in her eye. “You need to get some sleep.”

  


“No, no!” Kara insists, and Lena is surprised by how forceful she is. Kara seems to be, too, because she shakes her head and lowers her tone. “No, I... I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep, anyway. And I don’t want you to go. We don’t...” Kara bites her lip. “I don’t want you to go.”

  


Lena doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to leave, either. Being away from Kara is a physical ache, one that she doesn’t even notice until she’s back with Kara and it’s gone and she never wants to leave her side again. But Kara needs to sleep and she’ll only be a distraction.

  


“I’ll come back tomorrow,” Lena promises. “Lillian usually lets me go out on Fridays.”

  


What Lena isn’t expecting is for Kara to reach out and clamp a hand around her wrist. She glances down at where Kara’s long fingers are wrapped around her, and then back up to meet Kara’s eyes.

  


“Lena, please,” Kara says, and Lena’s heart aches with how urgent Kara sounds. “Could you stay? We can sleep, but...please don’t leave me?”

  


Lena doesn’t hesitate after that. She kicks off her shoes and crawls under the covers with Kara, pulling her down until they’ve both got their heads on the pillow. Their faces are so close that their noses are almost touching, and Lena swallows hard and rolls away to fiddle with Kara’s alarm clock.

  


“I’m gonna set this for five-thirty, okay?” Lena asks, like they haven’t done this a million times before. Kara makes a noise of agreement.

  


When Lena turns onto her back, she keeps her gaze firmly locked on the ceiling. Her heart is beating wildly in her chest with the way she can feel Kara’s warmth right next to her, their arms and legs pressed together with how tiny Kara’s double bed is. There’s a loud thud from across the hall, followed by some stomping and the music being turned up even higher, and Lena uses the thud of the heavy bass to time her breaths.

  


“Why’d you want me to stay?” Lena can’t help but ask. She hears Kara let out a slow breath next to her.

  


“It’s easier to sleep when you’re here,” Kara admits, reluctant. “I’m so focused on you that all the noise in my head stops. It makes the nightmares stay away.”

  


Lena swallows hard against the lump that’s lodged itself in her throat. She didn’t know that she helped Kara sleep, and if she had before she thinks she would’ve found her way into Kara’s bed every night since she knew her well enough to sleep over. She’s already planning how to get herself into Kara’s house every night this summer, just so she can hold Kara in her arms and protect her for once, protect her from the monsters in her own head.

  


Instead of saying something like _maybe I should stay with you forever, then_ or _I’d do anything for you, anything to help_ or any of the other thoughts that come to mind that she desperately wants to say as much as she wants to keep hidden, Lena opens her mouth and blurts:

  


“Is there something wrong with Alex?”

  


Kara looks over at her and blinks three times, quick, then snorts a laugh. It lights her face in such a way that Lena can tell it’s genuine, so genuine, and it makes her melt a little, makes her not regret being such a fucking idiot.

  


“Why, because of her angry music?” Kara asks, and, as if to prove her point, a new song filters in from the hallway beginning with a quick, booming drum beat and throaty screaming. Kara laughs again, the sound so bright it’s almost blinding. “Yeah, there is.”

  


“What‘s wrong?” Lena asks, and she’s worried because if Alex is this mad there must be something really wrong. She thinks she even heard some crashing before that was probably Alex throwing something at the wall. Alex may not be Lena’s best friend—that’ll always be Kara, it doesn’t matter if they stop talking once they go to college or not—but to be friends with Kara means to be friends with Alex, and Lena would be lying if she said they hadn’t become very close over the years, being the two most important people in Kara’s life. She cares about her, more than she’d probably ever admit to Alex’s face, but that’s just the kind of relationship they have. It’s subtle and a little stoic, but it’s them, and Lena wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  


“Not really sure,” Kara admits, and Lena can tell that that bothers her. She shifts, settling down into the pillow so her face is almost tucked in Lena’s neck, her arm settling over Lena’s stomach. It’s an automatic reaction for Lena to reach over and take her glasses off, set them on her nightstand. “She wouldn’t talk about it. She went out to see some old high school friends today and came back all in a huff. I’m worried they might have brought up her ex or something. I can’t imagine what else would make her so mad.”

  


Lena winces. Alex’s ex boyfriend is a real sore spot for her, one that anyone who knows her well knows to never bring up. Maxwell Lord had been a pretentious dickbag and Lena had never had any idea what Alex had seen in him. A lot of the time, Lena was pretty sure Alex didn’t see anything in him at all, and maybe that’s why she didn’t want to talk about it so much. Lena gets it, so she’s never tried to say thing about it.

  


It’s a sore spot for Kara, too, given that she and him had famously not gotten along. The amount of rants that Lena had to listen to Kara give about him was almost laughable, especially when she got to hear Kara spit insults like she usually never did.

  


“Hope she’s feeling better tomorrow,” Lena says, absentmindedly running a hand through Kara’s hair. Kara closes her eyes, nuzzles in close enough to Lena that her nose brushes against her neck.

  


“I’m sure she will be,” Kara mumbles, and Lena can tell she’s already beginning to nod off. “You know Alex, she just needs to get all her anger out until she deflates. She’ll be fine.”

  


Lena hums in agreement, falling silent, listening to Kara’s slow breaths, stroking her hair until they eventually even out. She lets her own eyes droop shut, then, Alex’s music still banging through the walls.

  


* * *

  


Lena wakes up to the sound of Kara’s alarm, still tangled up in Kara’s arms. She’s warm and comfortable, and Kara’s breaths are even, no wrinkle between her brows, and even a small smile hinting its way on the ends of her lips. Lena doesn’t want to leave.

  


She does. She makes it home before either of her parents are awake, hides her cigarettes in the special spot in her bookcase, kicks off her shoes and shimmies out of her jeans, and crawls back into bed.

  


She manages to get three more hours of sleep before Lillian is barging into her room and telling her to get up for breakfast.

  


“I’m not hungry,” Lena mumbles, nuzzling her face into her pillow and hugging it tighter.

  


Lillian doesn’t say anything, just jerks off her blanket and exposing her bare legs to her cool air conditioned room. Lena groans.

  


“Hush up,” Lillian says, not at all apologetic. “I expect you down in five minutes or you won’t be having any breakfast at all.”

  


Lena resists saying that she doesn’t even want breakfast, instead staying silent and heaving herself up once she hears Lillian close the door behind her. If she wants Lillian to agree to let her go out tonight, she’s gonna have to be agreeable for today.

  


Breakfast is uneventful; Lena picks at her food slowly and Lillian eats around paperwork just like at dinner. Lena excuses herself to work on her graduation speech, and heads upstairs to actually do that. Graduation is only in a few days, and she does need to be ready in time.

  


But when she sits down at her desk to write it, nothing comes to mind. This is why she had been putting it off. There’s nothing she wants to say, nothing she possibly could say to her graduating class aside from cliché phrases about the best years of our lives and being a family and never forgetting each other that aren’t even remotely true. She kind of wants to vomit just thinking about it.

  


It’s times like these Lena wishes she hadn’t been the smartest person in her grade (in the whole damn _school_ , Kara would say). She wouldn’t have had to make so many ridiculous speeches or be expected to do perfect all the time or to major in the hardest subject or to go MIT.

  


Maybe she just wishes she wasn’t a Luthor.

  


She shoves the thought away and turns back to her speech. She can think about that later. Or never.

  


All she has written so far is the greeting. She’s been working on the speech for two weeks, since Principle Grant had called her to her office and told her she was going to be valedictorian. It wasn’t like it had been a surprise, and back when Lex has graduated top of his class she had been writing her own speech in her head all the time. But now that she had to, there was nothing she wanted to say. The Lena back then had had a very different idea of what high school was going to be like.

  


If Lena were being perfectly honest, what she really wanted to say was that high school was shit and the only good thing to come out of that whole place was Kara Danvers. Somehow, she didn’t think anyone would appreciate that, including Kara.

  


“Just think positive,” Kara had said to her when she complained to her about it. “Maybe high school sucked, but there had to have been some stuff you enjoyed. Just think about that when you’re writing.”

  


Lena didn’t want to tell her that that would make her entire speech about Kara.

  


Lena drops her pencil and slumps back in her chair. She’s never going to figure out what to write.

  


* * *

  


Lillian doesn’t try to stop Lena from going out that night, mostly because they have an unspoken agreement that if Lena can go out on Friday nights, she won’t ask to go out on Saturday or Sunday most weeks. She won’t _ask_ , at least.

  


The benefit of getting permission to go out is that she can actually take her car instead of having to walk. She isn’t exactly the biggest fan of walking around at night, even in a small town like Midvale.

  


Lena doesn’t bother with the front door, going straight for the door on the side of the house that leads into the basement. It’s unlocked, just like it always is on Friday nights, and Lena heads inside.

  


The second Lena opens the door, she hears Kara yell, “There she is!” When she steps into view, Kara has the biggest smile on her face and a cup in her hand with something in it that’s sloshing over the sides. Lena knows it’s some sort of mixer, just from the look on Kara’s face alone and the fact that Kara can’t stand to drink straight alcohol.

  


The basement is just like every other Friday night. Kara is sitting cross legged on the Danvers’ spare basement bed, back against the wall. Alex is sitting next to her, on her right, legs straight in front of her and crossed at the ankle, her feet just over the edge of the bed, a drink in her hand, too. James and Lucy are on the floor, leaning against the bed just by Alex’s feet, close enough that Alex can threaten to kick James’s head if they start making out (they always do) but not close enough that Alex can actually do it without moving from her spot (she never does). Winn is on the beanbag by the TV because he likes to sit close to the speakers to hear whatever movie they’re watching without Kara, Lena, and Alex’s dumb jokes and resulting giggles or the sounds of James and Lucy’s making out once they think everyone is too engrossed in the movie to care.

  


Everything is the same. Just like every Friday movie night.

  


Except Lena’s spot is taken.

  


Lena always sits on Kara’s left on the bed, where she can really curl up in the corner that the bed is pressed in. She can get really comfortable with the added bonus of being next to Kara to share commentary with and who will share her own back, along with playing messenger between Alex and Lena so they can all get in on the jokes. In Lena’s opinion, it’s the best seat in the house.

  


And, sometimes, if Lena is really lucky, Kara will cuddle up close to her, tuck Lena’s head on her shoulder and cradle an arm around her waist if she thinks she’s looking tired or into her lap and stroke a hand through her hair if she thinks Lena looks really tired. Sometimes, Lena will close her eyes, even her breath and pretend to sleep, and Kara will press a kiss to her cheek or her forehead or her hair and will soften her laughs at the movie to giggles, and Lena will count them out, each time Kara’s chest jerks from the force of it and use that to determine if it was worth missing out on the movie for this. So far Lena hasn’t found a number high enough to make her regret it.

  


But tonight that isn’t going to happen, because someone is sitting in her spot. Not Kara, who’s still grinning at her, eyes a little unfocused and glazed. Not Alex, who’s watching Lena with a mix of worry and apology, her lip caught between her teeth. Not James or Lucy, who are so caught up in each other they didn’t seem to notice that Lena walked in. Not Winn either, who’s determinedly focusing on the TV screen that’s slowly rewinding whatever tape they’re gonna be watching back to the beginning, like that white dotted line and moving rectangle are the most interesting things in the world.

  


No, it’s Kenny Li. Kara’s fucking prom date, Kenny Li.

  


Don’t get Lena wrong, she thinks Kenny is a great guy. He’s smart and he’s sweet and he’s the only person other than Winn that knows what Lena’s talking about when she starts going on about exciting new computer science developments. But he took Kara to _prom_. And now he’s _sitting in Lena’s spot_.

  


The prom thing hadn’t been a huge surprise. Lena had known that Kara and Kenny hung out sometimes, and he was a pretty frequent fixture at their lunch table since he and Kara shared Astronomy together Junior year. It was obvious he had a crush on Kara. They’d all make jokes about it when he wasn’t around, and Kara would blush and shrug them off. When he’d asked her, Kara hadn’t been surprised herself, and agreed with a firm, “Only as friends, okay?” And maybe Kara had stuck by that, but given the way Kenny had held her during the slow dance—not that Lena had been watching from their table, head propped in her hand, eyes narrowed, and seething for some unknown reason or anything—it hadn’t been like that for him.

  


But this? This was a shock. Kara had never let anyone sit in Lena’s spot before. Kenny had come to movie night a few times, and he’d always grab the second beanbag and pull it up on the other side of the TV by Winn, where they’d get engrossed in the movie and occasionally chat about the cinematography or acting or plot in ways that were too nerdy even for Lena. They’d had a few other people at movie night over the years, some friends of Alex, Kara’s younger cousin, Clark, when his family came around to visit, other people who came and went, none of which had ever taken Lena’s spot, not in the three and a half years that Lena had been coming to movie night almost every week.

  


Lena’s rooted to the spot, she doesn’t know what to do. Part of her wants to stalk over to the bed and shove Kenny off, but that probably isn’t a good idea since it would upset Kara and he _has his fucking arm around Kara’s shoulder, shit, how hadn’t she noticed that before_ which would make him take Kara down with him, and Lena doesn’t want that. The other part of her wants to turn around, leave, go home, and maybe cry into her pillow while blasting The Smiths as loud as she can without her parents telling her to turn off that god awful music.

  


“Lena, come in! You’re letting out the cold air,” Kara says, beckoning her forward with her hand. She’s right, Lena can already feel the muggy eighty degree heat beginning to overtake the cool of the basement air conditioner, and she turns and closes the door behind her without a word.

  


“Hey, Lena,” Winn greets, flashing her a smile. He motions towards the second beanbag with his chin, which is placed next to him by the TV. Lena realizes that he must have placed it there for her once Kenny took her spot. She gives him a genuine smile.

  


“Hey,” Lena says, nodding in thanks as she passes him to get to Alex. James and Lucy both smile at her in greeting before they get back to whispering about who knows what.

  


When she reaches Alex, Alex raises her eyebrows and motions to get up, offering Lena her spot, but Lena shakes her head. The last thing she wants is to sit next to Kara and Kenny. Alex seems to understand that, and settles back down. She grabs a bottle of vodka sitting next to her and passes it over to Lena.

  


“Thanks,” Lena mumbles because god, she’s gonna need this if she’s gonna make it through the whole night.

  


“We’re watching Back to the Future,” Kara breaks in, leaning forward in a way that makes Kenny’s arm slip off her shoulder. “Kenny brought it.” She turns and gives Kenny a bright smile, and he grins back. Lena feels sick, and she hasn’t even had a sip of vodka yet.

  


“That’s great,” Lena replies, and it isn’t even a lie, she loves Back to the Future. The spiteful side of her really wishes she didn’t.

  


“I know we said we were gonna watch a horror movie this week,” Kara continues, oblivious to how much Lena really does not want to be talking to her right now and overly talkative in her mildly drunken state, “but, it’s been a while since we watched it so it’s fine! We can do horror next week, you know? Give Winn more time to prepare!”

  


“Right,” Lena agrees, and this time she turns away towards Winn, who’s looking a little indignant, and plops down on the beanbag next to him. She can’t see Kara, but she assumes she’s already gotten caught up in babbling about something else, which is what she always does when she’s drunk.

  


(If Lena has been looking, she would’ve been Kara’s face drop, the furrow in her brow, the confused look she sent Alex, Alex’s raised _I told you so_ eyebrow in reply.)

  


Lena unscrews the cap of the vodka and takes a swig right out of the bottle. Winn gives her a funny look.

  


“The movie hasn’t even started yet,” he points out. “If you drink that the whole time, you’re gonna get wasted.”

  


“I sure hope so,” Lena mutters under her breath. She takes another sip, and Winn puts his hands up in surrender.

  


When they do get the movie on, Lena finds herself unable to pay much attention, too busy grinding her teeth every time she hears Kara whisper and giggle. She doesn’t even want to consider how Kara and Kenny are probably cuddled up to each other. But she does, she can’t help herself, and every time she has to take a hard sip of the vodka still in her hands.

  


Winn breaks his usual silence to crack bad jokes about the movie to her, which Lena appreciates even if she can’t muster up much more than a smile or a small snort in response. Somewhere around Marty fighting Biff in the cafeteria, Lucy joins Lena on her beanbag, putting an arm around her neck and tucking herself next to her, her right hand curling around Lena’s. James sets himself on her other side, still on the floor, propping his elbow up on the chair. The two of them banter around her with their own commentary to make her laugh, and Lucy makes a habit of whispering dirty jokes in her ear. At some point, James is able to sneak the vodka out of her hands without her even noticing.

  


Once the movie is over, Lena finally wills herself to peek at Kara. She isn’t cuddled up to Kenny like Lena was dreading. Instead, she has her head tipped back against the wall, her eyes closed. Kenny is speaking animatedly to her, but Kara isn’t doing much more than murmuring back and nodding. Lena assumes she must be pretty smashed. It takes a lot of alcohol to make her lose her spark.

  


Lena stands and feels herself sway. She had more alcohol than she should have, too.

  


“Gonna go have a smoke,” she mumbles and heads out the door before anyone can respond.

  


It’s dark out, but clear. The stars are shining bright, easily visible this far out from the city. It’s warm, almost too warm for Lena to still be wearing her hoodie—the one she stole from Kara a few years ago and never gave back, though Kara never asked for it back, either—but she leaves it on. She likes the comfort of it too much.

  


Lena pulls her Marlboros out of her pocket, lights up a cigarette, and leans back against the brick wall of the Danvers’s house. She closes her eyes and breathes in deep, letting the smoke flood her lungs. She slides down along the wall until she’s sitting on the grass. She keeps her eyes closed, leans an elbow on her raised knees, sucks on her cigarette like it’s going out of style.

  


“Can I bum one?” a voice asks above her, and Lena lazily opens her eyes.

  


She reaches for her pack, and offers it out.

  


“Thanks,” Alex says, lighting up. She shifts for a second. “M’sorry about Kara.”

  


Lena blinks up at her and blows out some smoke.

  


Alex continues, “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but whatever it is, Kara’s being dumb about it.”

  


Something about the way Alex says that sends a spike of fear through Lena’s chest. Lillian thinking there’s something more between her and Kara is one thing, but Alex? Who sees how they are together in private? Who actually knows the both of them?

  


“There’s nothing going on between us,” Lena snaps, much harsher than she intended to. “We’re just friends. You know that.”

  


Alex gives her a weird look.

  


“I know that,” Alex agrees, slowly. “I meant whatever fight you’re having.” She pauses, takes a drag from her cigarette. “Unless there’s something else you want to talk about?”

  


“No.” Lena breathes in so hard she almost chokes on the smoke. “We aren’t having a fight, either. I don’t know what’s wrong with Kara.”

  


Alex nods, considering. There’s silence for a moment, just the two of them smoking in the almost summer heat.

  


“I think she’s scared,” Alex finally muses.

  


Lena resists the urge to laugh. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen Kara scared, not even at any of the horror movies they’ve watched in the middle of the night in the basement.

  


“Of what?” Lena asks, glancing up at Alex.

  


“Not sure yet,” Alex answers, dropping her cigarette on the ground. She stubs it out with the toe of her shoe. “It has to do with you, though. Maybe you should figure it out.”

  


She heads back inside. Lena decides that, maybe, she doesn’t want to figure it out.

  


It takes Lena ten more minutes to decide she can’t handle the eighty degree heat anymore. When she opens the door to the basement, Winn and James are playing Mario Kart on the SNES and Kenny is, thankfully, sitting next to Winn and offering him tips. Alex and Lucy are chatting about something, and Kara is lying on the bed with her eyes closed. Lena would think she were sleeping, if not for the fact that she knows Kara normally doesn’t let herself sleep around other people that aren’t her family or Lena.

  


Lena pulls off her hoodie and drops it by the door, then approaches the bed slowly. She stops right by Kara’s head.

  


“You smell like smoke,” Kara mumbles. “Fuck.”

  


Lena can’t help the giggle that escapes her throat. Kara’s just so cute when she’s drunk.

  


“You jealous?” Lena asks, propping up an eyebrow even though Kara can’t see it. She suspects Kara can tell somehow, anyway.

  


“Yeah,” Kara admits, cracking open her eyes. “But I think if I have one I’ll puke.” She sits up and lets out a tiny groan, then grabs Lena by the wrist and tugs her forward. She ends up kneeling on the bed with Kara’s nose crushed into her neck. “God, you smell so good.”

  


Lena doesn’t know what to do. She’s definitely too drunk for this, according to the pounding in her head, who also isn’t particularly happy with her new teetering position or her racing thoughts. And something is stirring in her stomach and swooping in her chest that she can’t ignore in this state.

  


But another part of her can’t help but be mad at Kara. She gets drunk and lets Kenny sit in Lena’s spot like it’s nothing, and then she’s sticking her face in Lena’s neck and acting like nothing happened.

  


It’s that part of her that makes her grab Kara by the shoulders and jerk her away. Kara sways a little and blinks at her.

  


“Fuck,” Kara mutters. Then she throws up on Lena’s shirt.

  


“Oh, fuck,” Kara repeats, at the same times Lena yelps, “Shit!” Alex groans, Lucy slaps a hand over her eyes, and Winn whines, “Oh, shit, now I’m gonna puke, too.”

  


Lena’s resisting the urge to gag herself. She has no choice but to pull the shirt off, balling it up in her fist and eying Alex imploringly. Alex takes pity on her and grabs the shirt.

  


“I’ll throw it in the wash,” Alex promises, moving into the next room where the washer is.

  


“I’m sorry,” Kara says, and she sounds so sorry that Lena almost wonders if she’s just talking about the whole throwing up on her thing. “God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  


“It’s fine,” Lena says, even though it kind of really isn’t because Kara let Kenny sit in her spot and then threw up on her and now Lena is sitting in a room with three boys and Lucy in just her bra.

  


But Kara’s starting to cry, tears sliding slow down her cheeks, and Lena can’t help but forgive her, at least for right now. Alex was right; something is going on with Kara, and Lena knows that Kara needs her. She can set aside her anger for the moment.

  


“Fuck, let’s get you upstairs,” Lena says, pulling Kara off the bed. Kara wobbles so hard she would’ve fallen over had it not been for Lena’s hands. Lena wonders how much she drank, because fuck. She’s never seen Kara like this before.

  


James offers to carry Kara up to her room, but Lena declines. Kara’s going to be embarrassed enough about this without having to have had someone carry her. She wraps Kara’s arm around her shoulder, hugs her own around Kara’s waist, and somehow manages to get them up to Kara’s room.

  


She deposits Kara on the bed, who slumps down on the sheets like she’s dead. Lena swallows hard against the terror in her throat that maybe Kara drank too much and she’s going to pass out and never wake up or choke on her vomit in her sleep or—

  


“M’tired,” Kara slurs, curling up into a ball on her bed. She nuzzles her face into her pillow.

  


Lena can’t help herself. She runs a hand through Kara’s hair, hoping it’ll soothe her, even a little. Kara leans into the touch.

  


Lena pulls away and moves to Kara’s dresser. She opens it and pulls out the first t-shirt she sees and slips it on. When she turns around, Kara is staring at her, a funny look in her eye.

  


“I like when you wear my clothes,” Kara tells her, reaching a hand out towards her. Lena feels herself going to her automatically, and Kara hooks her arm around Lena’s waist, tugs her close, and rubs her face against Lena’s stomach like she did her pillow. “Makes me feel like you’re mine.”

  


Lena’s heart is thudding in her chest so hard she can hear it in her ears. She thinks that Kara must be able to hear it pressed up against her, must have also felt the way Lena had stopped breathing when she said that. It makes her heart thump even harder.

  


“I am yours,” Lena promises without even thinking. She immediately regrets it, wants to pull away, but Kara is holding on to her tight, tighter than she should be able to when she’s this drunk.

  


Kara just hums in response. For a long moment, they stay still, Kara’s face pressed to Lena’s belly and Lena trying to slow her heartbeat before her heart breaks through her ribs and jumps from her chest.

  


“You know you’re my favorite, right?” Kara eventually mumbles into Lena’s—Kara’s—shirt. She’s so muffled by the fabric that Lena almost can’t hear her. “You know that? You’re always gonna be my favorite.”

  


Lena thought she knew that. Kara’s said that to her before, and she’s said it to Kara, but it’s always been a joke between them. Something that they meant, but didn’t say like they did. Saying it now, Kara sounds so sincere that Lena wants to believe her. Wants to say she knows it’s true and keep the thought close to her forever, tucked in her chest and near her heart where she’ll have it always but not have to think about it or what it means.

  


“Then why’d you let Kenny sit in my spot?” Lena blurts because, fuck, she can’t help it.

  


Kara lifts her head and tilts it up so she can meet Lena’s eyes. She blinks at her like she’s surprised. Lena doesn’t understand. Did she think Lena wouldn’t care? That she wouldn’t mind not sitting next to her the one time? Maybe she did. When Lena puts it like that, she supposes that most other people wouldn’t get as upset about it as she is.

  


“I’m gonna miss you,” is all Kara says, like she didn’t even hear Lena at all, eyes sad and honest. “I don’t want you to go.”

  


Lena runs a hand through Kara’s hair again. It’s soft and easy to tangle her fingers in, and Kara’s lips curl into the smallest smile. It somehow means more than if she had shown her teeth.

  


“I’m not going anywhere,” Lena swears, even though that isn’t true. Tomorrow she’s going to go home, and in August she’s going to MIT and Kara to New York, and she knows that’s what Kara is talking about. She knows because it weighs on her mind, too, everyday, like a bomb just waiting to explode and take her whole life away with it.

  


“You will,” Kara points out, like she’s reading Lena’s mind. Sometimes Lena thinks she can. There’s no other way she could know Lena so well.

  


“Don’t think about that now,” Lena says, low, guiding Kara down until she’s lying on the bed. “Just get some sleep, okay?”

  


Kara nods, but starts babbling, “Don’t know what I’ll be like without you. I can’t stop thinking about it all the time. Think I’m gonna lose it. I don’t want to lose you, too. Please don’t leave me, Lena? Please?”

  


Lena’s head is still swimming too much from her own drunkenness to deal with this. Getting thrown up on sobered her up, but not enough to be able to truly process what Kara is saying to her or to think about what it means.

  


“I’ll stay with you tonight,” Lena says because she doesn’t know what else to say. She doesn’t know what Kara wants, and she doesn’t trust herself not to start confessing things to her that she hasn’t even really confessed to herself.

  


Kara doesn’t say anything else. She just lets Lena position her on her side (and on the side of the bed that has her trash bin) and remains silent as Lena kicks off her shoes and climbs into the bed behind her. Lena’s wasted enough that she doesn’t stop herself from tucking an arm around Kara’s waist and burying her nose in the back of her neck. She can feel when Kara’s breathing begins to slow from the hand she has planted on her stomach, and when it does she allows her own eyes to slip closed.

  


“If it was my choice, I’d never leave you,” Lena whispers, not quite sure if she’s even speaking out loud at all. “I don’t think I have a choice.”

  


* * *

  


Next Sunday, Lena is standing in front of her mirror, examining herself in her graduation gown. She doesn’t feel like she had thought she would.

  


Maybe it’s just because she had spent the last week going with her father to work and passing out immediately after dinner, which meant that she had barely seen Kara, or any of her other friends, at all. Maybe it was the half-hearted valedictorian speech she had written in what little free time she had that was sitting on her dresser just waiting to be read in only a few hours. Maybe it was that she didn’t feel any different, any smarter or more mature or happier, than she had the year before.

  


Maybe it was that instead of thinking of the bright future she had ahead of her and all the new opportunities she was soon going to be presented with, all she could think about was everything she was going to be leaving behind.

  


“You look way better in your graduation gown than I did,” Lex laughs from his seat on the bed.

  


“I think anyone would look better than you did,” Lena snorts because Lex really had looked downright awful in his gown. It hung on him awkwardly, and his cap had kept falling off his bald head. Lena had had a field day making fun of him, which Lillian hadn’t appreciated.

  


She can see Lex raise his hands in surrender in the mirror, a big smile playing on his lips.

  


“You know, I’m really proud of you,” he says, expression turning more serious. “I know you didn’t have an easy time in high school, but you made it through, and now you can do anything you want.”

  


Lena wants to say: But I can’t do anything I want because I have to be just like you.

  


Instead she says, “Thanks. I’m looking forward to it.” She throws him a smile, and heads downstairs to where their parents are waiting to go to the ceremony.

  


* * *

  


It’s hectic when Lena gets to the graduation ceremony. She doesn’t see anyone she knows with the flood of seniors around her, all buzzing in excitement. She finds her way over to where a teacher she doesn’t recognize is holding a sign that says L.

  


“Lena!” Lucy yells when she makes it over. She pulls Lena into a tight hug, so tight it knocks the breath out of her. “I was hoping I would see you! You look great!”

  


“So do you,” Lena says genuinely, pulling back to smile at Lucy, wide. “Have you seen anyone else?” She hopes that Lucy doesn’t get the underlying question of: Have you seen Kara?

  


Lucy shakes her head, tucking a flyaway strand of her perfectly styled hair behind her ear.

  


“I was looking for James before, but I couldn’t find him. There’s so many people here, I don’t know if he just hadn’t shown up yet or he’s lost in the mob somewhere. I never realized how big our grade was until they put us all together like this!”

  


Lena laughs in agreement, and her and Lucy fall into an easy conversation about graduating and college and who’s shoes are the nicest because that’s the only part of anyone’s outfits they can really see. It’s a nice distraction, even if Lena spends half the time letting her graze drift over Lucy’s head to see if she can spot Kara. She doesn’t, and she isn’t surprised. The Danvers have a habit of being fashionably late, and there’s still twenty minutes left until the ceremony starts, even if all students were supposed to be there half an hour early.

  


Eventually everyone processes in, and Lena takes her spot up in the front near the stage. She has her speech curled in her fist, and she doesn’t feel bad about crumbling it. It’s a shit speech. It’s nothing she’s proud of. She’s honestly dreading having to give it.

  


Principal Grant drones on forever, and Lena doesn’t even bother attempting to pay attention. It’s all the same kind of bullshit she wrote in her speech, but with the bonus of bragging about how smart and amazing all the students are, which, Lena doesn’t think is well deserved.

  


“And now, for a speech from our valedictorian, Lena Luthor,” Principal Grant finishes, and Lena’s head jerks up at the sound of her name followed by clapping.

  


She stands, and her legs feel a little shaky and there’s a pit in her stomach. She usually doesn’t have a problem with public speaking—in fact, she’s always enjoyed commanding the attention of a room, having everyone focused on her words—but this time it doesn’t feel right. She’s going to be saying words she doesn’t mean, words that are going to feel bitter and wrong as they leave her tongue, and it makes her feel sick.

  


She somehow makes it to the podium while caught up in her own head. She places down her speech—the disinterested platitudes she wrote while glaring down at the page—smoothes it out, fixes the microphone, takes a harsh breath, and plasters on a cheap smile.

  


“Principal Grant, teachers, fellow graduates, families, and alumni, I’m honored to stand before you as the Class of 1995 valedictorian,” she begins steadily, willing her voice not to shake, her eyes trained down on the page even though she knows that isn’t how you make a good speech.

  


She wills herself to glance out at her audience, finally does halfway through her speech. When she does, she immediately regrets it. Her eyes immediately fall on Veronica Sinclair, the girl who spent most of her time in high school making Lena’s hell. She’s giggling to the girl sitting next to her, her mouth twisted into a sneer. Lena doesn’t even have to hear her. She knows she’s making fun of her.

  


She rips her eyes away and sees Morgan Edge, who’d also tried his damndest to make Lena as miserable as possible. He’d always been jealous of Lena since he was second to her in grades, and he’d hated being shown up by a woman. That hadn’t stopped him from making a pass at her, cornering her in the empty hall after school once when she’d been leaving their shared debate club. When he’d attempted to grope her she kneed him in the balls and ran away, and then took an hour long shower when she got home. The memory alone still makes her want to be sick.

  


She hears herself stutter as she reads her speech and takes a breath, swallowing hard. She looks away from him, trying to get herself together. There’s something welling in her gut, a sort of rage that she usually manages to keep down.

  


And then she sees Kara.

  


She’s beautiful. Her hair is down and curled around her shoulders, shining in the sunlight. She isn’t wearing her glasses, and Lena can practically see her blue eyes sparkling from the stage. Her lips are spread into a huge smile, and she’s gazing at Lena like she’s the only thing in the world, the only thing worth her attention, and Lena realizes that she’s gone silent.

  


“I’m sorry,” Lena says, huffing a laugh. “I...”

  


But a new thought jumps into her head. She remembers the last time Kara looked so good, had done herself up for once. It was prom, only a few weeks ago, and it had been one of the worst nights of Lena’s life.

  


Lena had been excited for prom even without a date, since she loved a good chance to dress fancy. What she hadn’t anticipated, was Kara getting a date to prom herself, and then spending the entire time dancing with him. Lena had sat alone at the table, watching her and Kenny and Lucy and James and Winn and his date, a blond girl named Lyra, dancing around and having fun, while she was too busy keeping down the nauseating bitter feeling stirring in her to attempt to join them.

  


After an hour, Lena had finally had enough, tears burning in her eyes that she refused to let fall. As she was heading towards the door, a hand from someone sitting at a table reached out and grabbed her wrist. Lena had looked down to see Veronica Sinclair with her twisted smirk sitting next to Andrea Rojas and her boyfriend Russel.

  


“Upset that your girlfriend replaced you with a better model?” Veronica laughed, but she spit the word girlfriend like it was venom. Lena barely resisted flinching, setting her jaw.

  


Her eyes flickered over to Andrea, who was studying her plate resolutely. Yeah, Lena knew a lot about being replaced. Andrea hadn’t minded kissing Lena, rolling around in her bed when her parents weren’t home, whispering sweet things into Lena’s ear that Lena let herself believe. That was, until, Lena saw Andrea and Russel together at school. When Lena had confronted Andrea, asked her how she could cheat on her, Andrea had gotten a sad look in her eye and said, “Lena we weren’t together, we were just having fun. That wasn’t real. What I have with Russel is real for me.”

  


The words echoed in Lena’s ears as she stared down at Veronica, but the voice saying them had sounded like Kara.

  


“Don’t worry about me,” Lena responded sweetly, putting on her best smile. “You should be more worried about your boyfriend getting his dick sucked in the girl’s bathroom by your good friend Siobhan instead.”

  


Veronica’s fake smile dropped, her eyes squinting with malice. Lena wrenched her wrist out of her hand and finally made it outside.

  


“You look lovely tonight, Lena,” a voice said behind her, and Lena closed her eyes, sucking in a calming breath because, really? Did it have to be everything tonight?

  


“What do you want, Edge?” Lena had muttered, turning around to glare at him, folding her arms over her chest.

  


“Nothing at all,” he said smoothly, raising his hands in surrender. “Just thought I’d tell you that I think you look absolutely stunning.” His eyes dropped to the swooping neckline of her dress.

  


Bile rose in Lena’s throat. She swallowed hard against the burn.

  


“You’re a pig,” she spat, taking a step back. “I frankly don’t care about anything you think, and especially not what you think of me.”

  


Edge took a step forward to match her, a gleam in his eye.

  


“You know, Lena, you’re never going to get a boyfriend with that mouth of yours,” he chastised, voice patronizing. “I’m only trying to be nice.”

  


Lena laughed, harsh and biting.

  


“What? You want to be my boyfriend?” she scoffed. “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man alive. I actually have some self respect.”

  


Edge smiled at that. Lena felt her stomach drop.

  


“Is it self respect, Lena? Or is it something else?” He stepped closer again, and Lena felt fear clawing at her insides. She refused to let it show, jutting her chin and narrowing her eyes at him.

  


“If you’re implying that there’s any universe where I’d give you the time of day, you’re delusional.”

  


“Yeah?” he taunted. Before Lena could move, he darted out his arm, grabbing her at the elbow and pressing in close to her. Lena could feel her breath grow labored, her stomach turning. “I think I could change your mind.”

  


Lena could feel his breath hitting her cheek with how close he was, and she squeezed her eyes firmly shut, willing him to move away. He didn’t. She steeled herself, opening her eyes to meet his.

  


“Edge,” she purred, softening her eyes deliberately. “I don’t think you could turn on any woman, let alone me.”

  


Edge’s eyes turned hard, and he pushed even closer, his lips brushing against her ear as he opened his mouth to speak.

  


“Lena?” a different voice called from over Edge’s shoulder. Lena craned her neck to catch who it was, and, fuck, it’s Kara.

  


Edge pulled back only slightly, turning to see Kara, too. Kara glanced between the two of them, her brow creasing, and something Lena couldn’t identify flickering in her eye.

  


“Is everything okay?” she set her gaze on Edge, glaring at him, then back at Lena, eyes softening. “I saw you leave, and I wanted to make sure everything was all right.” She paused, biting her lip. “Unless I’m interrupting something?”

  


“God, no.” Lena ripped her arm out of Edge’s grasp and backed away from him.

  


Kara smiled, and it seemed unconscious.

  


“Okay, good.” She walked over to Lena, hooking their arms together. She gave Edge a cool gaze. “Is there anything else you wanted?”

  


Edge gave Lena another hard look before shaking his head and heading back into the school.

  


She’s jolted back into reality when she hears the crowd begin to murmur at her silence. Before she even knows what she’s doing, she’s clearing her throat and saying, “I want to share my favorite memory that I had here. One that really shows the amazing community we’ve formed at Midvale High.”

  


She gazes at the crowd, not nervous anymore. She’s settled into a strange sort of calm, but there’s a frantic thumping in her head.

  


“Except...” she shakes her head, huffs a laugh. “I don’t have one. I dreaded coming here every single day because I knew that I was going to be treated like garbage. In fact, I do have a very memorable moment where my bag was stolen and filled with garbage from the girl’s bathroom.” The murmuring of the crowd is growing louder, and her own voice is becoming more distressed, but she can’t get herself to stop. Tears are streaming down her face before she can attempt to stop them, hot and thick and burning. “I was treated like I was less than human just because my last name is Luthor, and all of you expect me to stand up here and deliver a speech about how wonderful the graduating class is and how everyone has bright futures and we’ll never forget each other? Well, I certainly won’t forget anyone here, and it’s not for any of the sappy reasons you all want to hear. So, you can all go fu—”

  


Lena is tugged a way from the microphone, spun around to face Principal Grant.

  


“That’s enough,” she says sharply, ushering Lena off the stage. Lena goes willingly.

  


She drops into her seat, puts her face in her hands, and mutters, “Fuck.” under her breath. She could really use a fucking cigarette.

  


* * *

  


After the ceremony, Lillian is on her so fast Lena would’ve thought she teleported to her.

  


“I can’t believe you’d embarrass us like that!” Lillian hisses, grabbing Lena’s bicep. “Do you want to make our name into some sort of laughing stock? Is that what you want?”

  


Behind Lillian, Lena can see the other graduates meeting up with their families, getting hugs and flowers and taking pictures, everyone smiling huge and proud. In the back of her mind, she wonders what it would feel like to have her family look at her like that.

  


“I thought the Luthor name was already a joke in this town,” Lena spits, tugging her arm away. “Father did that just fine on his own.”

  


Lena thinks that if they weren’t in public Lillian would’ve slapped her. She knows the expression she gets beforehand, and she’s never seen it with the extra glint Lillian has in her eye before. Maybe Lillian would’ve slapped her twice. Lena is beyond caring.

  


“I don’t know where we went wrong with you. We gave you a good home, good schooling, more than most other children have. And yet, you’ve done nothing but disrespect us since we took you in. I thought you’d grow up, but you’re the same ungrateful little brat you’ve always been!”

  


Lena swallows back the hurt that rises in her throat. She knows that this is the time where she should pull back and apologize, and maybe her punishment won’t be too harsh. Lillian is reaching her boiling point, and Lena has to turn the burner down before she overflows.

  


But despite knowing the odds, Lena’s never been good at not taking the risk.

  


“I shouldn’t have to thank you for taking me in! You chose to do that, I didn’t ask you to! Maybe if I’d been put up for adoption like I know you wanted, I would’ve been taken in by a family that didn’t treat me like a second rate citizen because I couldn’t be just like my brother!”

  


Lillian’s face turns blank, but her eyes are shrewd. Lena’s very familiar with this look. Lillian’s going in for the final blow, and Lena doesn’t stand a chance.

  


“If you had actually tried to be more like Lex, you would’ve been worth the affection I gave to him.”

  


And that’s it. It’s like a sword being stuck in her chest, and it knocks her breath out. Lena’s out for the count, and there’s nothing she can do to win this fight.

  


“I can’t be someone I’m not,” Lena says, quiet, her voice tearier than she wants it to be.

  


“Neither can I.”

  


Not only is Lena out of the competition, she’s knocked out completely, too. Lying on the floor unconscious while Lillian stands proudly above her, arms crossed and lips curled into that smug half smile she gets while the referee announces her triumphant win.

  


Lena just stares at her for a long moment, and Lillian stares back, cold and unbothered and nothing like a mother should ever look at their kid, adopted or not. Lena’s lost her voice, her fight, everything that had risen up in her when she was on stage before. Lena can see that this is what her life is doomed to be: falling back in line the second Lillian reminds her that that’s the only way she’ll ever be loved. It doesn’t matter what she wants, and it never will.

  


“Mom,” Lex calls, coming up behind Lillian and ripping her attention away from Lena. “Don’t be too hard on her, she’s been through a lot and she’s just a kid.”

  


Lena doesn’t hear Lillian’s response, and she doesn’t want to, either. Before she’s even really deciding to, she’s stepping out of her high heeled shoes, picking them up, and running off back towards the high school.

  


The front doors are unlocked, and there’s a few people milling around the main entrance and examining the scholarship wall. She’s able to shoulder past them and to the staircase, where she heads downstairs to the bottom floor.

  


She finds herself in her favorite place in the school, where she’d always go during her free periods when she was having a bad day. It’s a little nook at the end of one of the hallways where there had used to be a bathroom that was now out of order and closed off and had been for the entire time Lena was at school. Lena sits herself right under the vent, the perfect place to smoke without setting off any alarms or risk being caught. She pulls a cigarette out of her purse—she knew she was going to need one, before or after the ceremony she hadn’t been sure—and lights it up, letting herself get lost in the calm that washes over her when she does.

  


It doesn’t stop the tears from welling in her eyes or sliding hot down her face when she tries to blink them away. She knows her makeup is going to be running and her face probably looks a mess right now, but tucked away in the corner where she’s had all her high school breakdowns, she feels safe and unseen and can’t bring herself to care.

  


“Fuck,” she mutters, dropping her forehead onto her bent knees, arm still propped up to hold her cigarette.

  


It’s barely even a minute later that she feels someone removing the cigarette from between her fingers, and her head immediately jerks up, terrified that it may be Lillian.

  


But standing above her is Kara, who has her lips around the filter of Lena’s cigarette. She pulls it out of her mouth and grins, blowing smoke out of the side of her mouth, away from Lena. The smile doesn’t meet her eyes, which seem to be worried and careful. Lena’s stomach churns.

  


“I saw you run off,” Kara explains, offering Lena back her cigarette and smoothing down her graduation gown so she can sit on the floor next to her. “I figured you were coming here.”

  


“You didn’t have to follow me.” Lena sucks hard on the cigarette, closing her eyes before breathing out. “You should be with your family.”

  


“Lena, you are my family,” Kara insists, and Lena doesn’t have to open her eyes to know Kara’s are trained on her, probably wide and earnest. “You’re like a sister to me.”

  


Lena’s entire body stills, and she’s glad she hadn’t just taken a drag or she probably would’ve choked on it. The words ring in Lena’s ears and her face is hot and her chest aches and her stomach feels so sick she thinks she may throw up all over her red robes. She doesn’t know why those words hurt so bad when they should feel so good—Kara should be like a sister to Lena, too, after all. She’s the person she shares everything with, the person she loves the most out of anyone, the person she’d do absolutely anything for.

  


Maybe Lena has always fostered a small crush on Kara, but it isn’t enough to make Lena truly upset that Kara will never feel the same way. She already knows that Kara could never have anything but platonic feelings for her, and, honestly, Lena doesn’t think she would want her to. It would just end up ruining their relationship once Kara realized she could do so much better than Lena, anyway.

  


“Right,” Lena says, and it comes out way more bitter than she intends it to. She doesn’t even really know why.

  


“I mean it,” Kara says, her voice so honest, and while Lena usually loves that, right now she can’t stand it.

  


“I know you do. I just...” _Wish you didn’t,_ Lena doesn’t say.

  


Kara is silent for a long moment. When Lena finally opens her eyes, Kara is sitting cross legged, her eyebrows scrunched, lip between her teeth, and picking at the rubber lining of her nicest pair of Chucks. Even when Kara is all dressed up she still can’t help but let a little of her real self show in her refusal to wear feminine dress shoes. It’s endearing and so _Kara_ and Lena can’t hold back her smile.

  


“You just what?” Kara asks suddenly, eyes still focused on her shoes. She pulls harder at the rubber when she catches it under her fingernail, and Lena can’t help but reach out and grab her wrist to stop her.

  


“You’re gonna ruin your shoe,” Lena mumbles, and Kara finally looks at her. Their eyes meet, and something about seeing Kara’s eyes so close without her glasses on, blue and beautiful and intense, is something Lena can barely handle. She swallows, but doesn’t move her gaze away.

  


“You just what?” Kara repeats, like Lena didn’t say anything at all. Lena’s fingers unconsciously tighten around Kara’s wrist, and something changes in Kara’s eyes at the same time.

  


“I...” Lena doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know what it is that Kara obviously wants her to say. “I just...I wish that we really were. Sisters, I mean.”

  


Kara keeps her eyes focused on her for one long second, until her mouth twists up in a mimicry of smile, and she looks back down at her shoes, letting out a breathy laugh that sounds nothing like her usual one.

  


“Yeah,” Kara agrees. She shifts in a way that makes her wrist fall out of Lena’s hand. “Me, too.”

  


They’re quiet then, Kara playing with her shoe and Lena smoking her cigarette. Kara seems to be thinking deeply about something, and Lena would love to know what it is. She knows better than to ask. When Kara doesn’t want to share there’s nothing in the world that will make her, aside from a heavy dose of alcohol and the right amount of subtle prompting.

  


Whatever’s bothering her, Kara decides to shake off, because she turns to Lena with a wide grin and announces, “I loved your speech. You really nailed it.”

  


Lena snorts and shakes her head.

  


“I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who did. Lillian definitely didn’t appreciate it.”

  


“Fuck her,” Kara says bluntly, reaching over to steal Lena’s cigarette again. “She doesn’t know about anything you went through. You deserved to have your moment. I wish...” Kara pauses, takes a drag, blows it out. “I just wish I could’ve protected you.”

  


“You don’t have to protect me.” Lena takes back her cigarette. There’s barely anything left of it now. She flicks it away, not really caring where it lands. “And you did what you could. It doesn’t matter now.”

  


“But I wanted to! And it does matter!” Kara bursts out, but she doesn’t sound mad, just...desperate? Passionate? Lena isn’t sure. “You didn’t deserve anything you put up with! You’re the smartest, strongest, most kind-hearted person that I know, and anyone would be lucky to spend time in the same room as you, let alone be your friend. They were all just jealous of you, and they should be, but not like that. You deserve the whole fucking world, Lena, and I couldn’t even stop you from getting bullied and harassed every day by people who wished they could be even a fraction of the person you are and took it out on you because they couldn’t be.”

  


“What could you have done?” Lena cuts in because, as flattered as she is by Kara’s words (especially if the heat rising in her cheeks is anything to go by), she knows Kara is about to spiral into a tirade that neither of them need right now. “You aren’t a superhero, Kara, as much as you may wish you are. Sometimes people are shitty, and I know how to deal with it. You did what you could, and I’m incredibly grateful for it. The way people chose to treat me isn’t your fault, it’s theirs. You couldn’t have stopped that. But you were always there for me to make me feel better and to help me and take care of me and that means more to me than you could ever know. You’re the best friend I could ever have, Kara. The best friend I ever will have. I know that for sure.”

  


Kara opens her mouth as if to say something, then closes it and shakes her head. Lena almost wants to know what it was going to be, but she has a feeling that they’re both better off if she doesn’t.

  


“Me too,” Kara responds eventually, eyes teary when hers meet Lena’s. “You’re the best friend I’ll ever have, too, I mean. I can’t imagine anyone comparing to you.”

  


Lena moves in closer so that she can rest her head on Kara’s shoulder. She shuts her eyes and breathes in deep, taking in the fruity floral smell of Kara’s perfume and her soft hair against Lena’s forehead. Kara remains quiet, but lifts her hand to reach back and run it through Lena’s hair, comforting and sweet and everything Lena ever wants.

  


“Lena, I...” Kara begins, voice wobbly in a way that makes Lena nervous herself, but she cuts herself off when she notices Lena’s cell phone ringing in her bag, which Lena had moved between her when she’d cuddled up to Kara.

  


Lena huffs under her breath and sits up reluctantly, opening her purse and squinting at the small screen of her phone. It’s Lillian, of course. Lena grits her teeth, but answers.

  


“Yes, Mother?” Lena bites out, and Kara gives her a sympathetic smile, reaching out to run her hand soothingly along Lena’s knee. It’s so distracting that Lena almost forgets to be mad at Lillian.

  


“Are you finished throwing your temper tantrum?” Lillian asks, and this is why she didn’t completely forget to be angry. “We have dinner reservations in half an hour. You can sulk while we eat or we can go without you. Your choice.”

  


It certainly doesn’t sound like a choice. Lena huffs and stands up, smoothing the wrinkles in her graduation gown. Kara follows and does the same.

  


“I’ll be there in two minutes,” Lena tells her, tone clipped, and hangs up the phone. To Kara, she says, “I have to go.”

  


Kara nods, and pulls Lena into a hug, tight and warm. Lena melts into it, her eyes squeezing shut and an unconscious smile gracing her lips.

  


“I’m so proud of you,” Kara whispers, right in her ear, and Lena has to hold back the shudder that wants to wrack it’s way through her body. “I hope you know that.”

  


“I do,” Lena replies, angling her head so she can subtly nuzzle her nose into Kara’s neck. “Thank you, Kara. And I’m proud of you, too.”

  


Lena thinks she can feel Kara smile, and she can definitely feel the press of Kara’s lips into her hair. Her heart thumps in her chest like a drum.

  


Kara pulls away, much to Lena’s dismay, but she does something Lena wasn’t expecting at all. She runs her knuckles along the curve of Lena’s cheekbone, a light caress that feels like it leaves burn marks across Lena’s skin. Kara’s eyes are heavy and so soft and full of something Lena can’t name or understand. It only lasts a few seconds, then Kara drops her hand and takes a step back.

  


“I’ll see you tonight?” Kara asks, and it takes way too long for Lena’s brain to process the words, still caught up in how Kara’s skin felt against her own.

  


“Hopefully,” Lena agrees, voice surprisingly calm for the way her entire body feels shaky. She grants her one last smile that she hopes meets her eyes before they go their separate ways and back to their families.

  


Lena’s cheek burns all throughout Lillian berating her in the car, meeting up with her extended family for her graduation celebration, and the dinner that Lena barely even tastes. She’s so caught up in thinking about the way Kara touched her, replaying it over and over in her mind, to even attempt to care about anything else.

  


It’s like Kara left a brand on her. Said, _Maybe you’re leaving to be with your family, but you’re still mine_.

  


The thought brings a slow smile to Lena’s lips. Her cheek tingles. She fucking loves it.

  


* * *

  


Lillian grounds her for the next month, but Lena doesn’t have it in her to care. Now that school is out, Lillian will be gone at work all day and won’t be able to stop Lena from going out whenever she wants. It isn’t like Eve, their housekeeper, is going to stop her. It’s mostly just an excuse for Lillian to be able to yell at her whenever she wants.

  


Lena had retired to her room right after they returned home from dinner under the guise of going to bed early. If it hadn’t been for her promise to meet Kara, she honestly would have. Spending time with her family was hard enough, but adding her extended family to that as well was absolutely exhausting. There’s only so many times she can explain her college plans and that, no, she does not have a boyfriend, and, no, she isn’t interested in finding one right now, and, yes, she knows that there must be so many boys interested in her if she would only put herself out there (in actuality, there isn’t and she doesn’t want to) before she wants to crawl into bed and not come out for the next three years.

  


But she couldn’t do that. Lena had promised Kara that she would go to the graduation party that one of Kara’s friends from the soccer team was throwing. It had taken Kara begging her for a whole week for her to finally agree, and as much as Lena wanted to, she couldn’t let Kara down. She just didn’t have it in her to.

  


Lena is beyond caring about what her parents think. It’s only nine, but she told Kara she’d meet her at the curb at the end of the block at nine fifteen, so she opens her window, swings her legs out, and gets to climbing down the tree. If they figure out she’s gone, so be it. There’s nothing they can do to stop her from doing it again.

  


Kara’s car is idling at the curb just like she said she would be, even though Lena is seven minutes early. She doesn’t think too hard on it. She opens the door and gets in, buckling her belt.

  


Kara has her window down, and she’s smoking like it’s going out of style. When she hears the door open, her head whips around and she grins big, flicking away the bud between her fingers.

  


“Wasn’t sure if you’d actually come.” Kara shifts the car into gear and pulls away, that same smile painting her lips.

  


“Yesterday I wasn’t sure, either,” Lena admits, fingering her seatbelt. “But today? Fuck my parents.”

  


For a split second, Kara’s smile drops and her brows furrow, like she’s worried. Her face smooths back over so quickly that Lena isn’t sure she didn’t imagine it.

  


“Yeah,” Kara agrees. “Fuck them.” She clicks on the radio.

  


By the time they get to the party, Lena is swallowing back her regret at agreeing to go in the first place. When they get out of the car, she can hear the thrumming of the bass from inside and can see a few people talking on the front lawn, and she feels her nerves growing.

  


“Don’t worry,” Kara soothes, like she can read Lena’s mind. She runs a hand down Lena’s arm, stops at her wrist, brushes her fingers along Lena’s palm and pulls away. “Everyone here will be cool. They’re all friends of mine or friends of my friends. And I’ll stay with you, I promise.”

  


Lena nods and forces a smile. She knows it’s unlikely Kara will actually keep that promise, since she always gets caught up in parties like this and loses Lena at some point. It isn’t really even Kara’s fault. Lena hangs back while Kara gets shuffled from person to person, and Kara doesn’t notice that she’s lost Lena at some point or another.

  


Kara takes her hand and tugs Lena into the house, and the feel of Kara’s palm against hers, warm and soft and fitting just right, is almost enough to erase Lena’s nerves. She brings Lena right over to the drinks table and pours her a mixer (more alcohol than juice), shoving it into Lena’s hands.

  


“This will make you feel better,” Kara states, her smile kind, and Lena takes a sip. It burns all the way down, and settles in her stomach like pure acid. She grins back at Kara.

  


“Kara!” a voice calls from behind Lena, and Lena watches as Kara’s smile gets wider and her eyes light up. She downs such a big sip of her drink that she can barely hold it all in her mouth.

  


Kate Kane pulls Kara into a tight hug, closing her eyes and smiling when Kara can’t see. Lena feels her face shift into an unconscious glare and tries to school her features into something more neutral. She isn’t sure if it works.

  


“Sara and I were just looking for you,” Kate says, only pulling away from the hug enough that she can still grip Kara’s forearms. Lena wishes she could be that bold with Kara, not be afraid to touch her best friend of four years even at all.

  


“Sorry I’m a little late,” Kara says. She doesn’t mention why, and Lena doesn’t know if she’s grateful or not. On one hand, it would be nice for Kara to acknowledge that she exists while she’s talking to another friend. On the other, Lena doesn’t think she wants all of Kara’s friends to know she had to be dragged to their party.

  


“It’s fine,” Kate brushes off, her smile having faded into her trademark smirk. Lena must do something to catch her eye, she doesn’t know what, but Kate turns to her and says, “Oh, hey, Lena.”

  


Lena smiles and tips her glass towards her, but doesn’t say anything. She’s afraid that it won’t sound too friendly.

  


“Your speech today was pretty badass,” Kate compliments, and Lena can tell she’s being sincere. She finds it in herself to thank her, but doesn’t bother trying to strike up a conversation.

  


It isn’t that Lena doesn’t like Kate or Sara or any of the other members of the soccer team that Kara was the captain of or any of their friends that Kara hangs out with, too. It’s just that she’s so different from them. She doesn’t even know what she’d be able to talk to them about. It would only be awkward.

  


But from the way that Kate’s eyes keep flicking over Kara’s face, Lena almost wonders if maybe she isn’t actually so different.

  


Lena’s thoughts are interrupted by Kara turning back to her and announcing, “I’ll be back in a few, okay, Lena? Stay right here.”

  


Kara heads off with Kate, back further into the house and out of Lena’s view. She takes a steadying breath and pours herself another drink. She thinks she’s going to need it.

  


She does. Twenty minutes later, and Kara still hasn’t come back. Lena’s been less than half-heartedly having a conversation with a guy she doesn’t recognize (and Lena’s pretty sure that after she finally gets away the guy wouldn’t be able to recognize her either, since he’s spent the whole time staring at her tits like he’s never seen cleavage before) for the past fifteen minutes, and thinks she may just explode if Kara takes any longer. She’s just about had it with this guy’s wandering eyes and drawling voice and half wit remarks about the current political climate or whatever the fuck he’s been saying that Lena’s been nodding along to disinterestedly.

  


He has Lena’s attention when he puts a hand on her arm, running his thumb along her bare bicep. Lena cringes, but it isn’t enough to dislodge him. He only moves closer, and Lena can smell the stink of alcohol on his breath as he suggests, “Why don’t we finish this conversation upstairs?”

  


Lena opens her mouth to let him down lightly so he won’t blow up at her, when a voice exclaims, “Lena, I’ve been looking all over for you!” and an arm curls around her shoulders.

  


Lena looks up and blinks. It isn’t Kara. It’s Jack Spheer from her AP science classes. She’s pretty sure they were lab partners in Sophomore year biology. She raises an eyebrow at him.

  


He gives her back a pointed smile, eyes flicking towards the guy, who’s gaping at them with his mouth open dumbly.

  


“Right,” Lena agrees, with what she hopes is some enthusiasm. She isn’t exactly sure if this is a good development or not. She turns back to the guy, anyway. “Well, I have to be going.” She doesn’t give him a second glance as Jack steers her away towards a corner on the opposite side of the room.

  


“Sorry about that,” Jack says as he drops his arm. “I could tell you weren’t into him. Happens to me all the time with girls.”

  


Lena eyes him for a second, and then it clicks. Finally, she offers him a genuine smile.

  


“No, thank you. I wasn’t looking forward to having to tell him no, he seemed like the type that would cause a bit of a scene.”

  


Jack nods, and they stand in silence for a moment, Lena sipping her drink. She isn’t really sure what else to say, especially not with the way her brain is starting to fog up. She’s probably had one too many drinks already, and she’s barely even been here for long.

  


“I really liked your speech,” Jack says eventually. “I bet Midvale High has ever seen anything like it before.”

  


Lena snorts. “I bet not.”

  


After that, it isn’t so hard to stir up a conversation. He’s definitely more interesting than whoever it was Lena was listening to talk before, and they share the same interests in science, classic novels, and music. She wishes they had gotten to talking more in school; they would have been easy friends.

  


“Hey,” Jack blurts suddenly, seeming a little unsure. “Can I ask you something a little personal?”

  


Questions like that always get Lena scared. She wants to say no, but finds herself nodding her head before she can.

  


“Are you and Kara Danvers...” he trails off, eyes wandering away nervously. “Are you two...a thing?”

  


“A thing?” Lena repeats. A beat, and it hits her like a freight train. Exactly how obvious is she? “A thing? God, no. No, we’re just...No. We’re friends. She isn’t—I’m not even...No. We. No.” She takes a gulp of her drink. Some of it doesn’t make it in her mouth, drips down her chin. “I don’t know why you’d...God. Absolutely not.”

  


Jack stares at her when she’s finished her outburst. He nods his head slowly, and Lena can practically see the gears turning in his head. Too obvious again. She glances down, cheeks heating.

  


“Listen, I...I better go find Kara, anyways. She said she was gonna come find me in a few, and she’s been gone a while.”

  


Jack bids her goodbye after giving her his number for if she ever wants to geek out over science or something. Lena nods, and thinks, for once, she may actually call him.

  


She gets herself another drink, then searches the room for Kara, shoving herself between bodies and trying not to lose all her spiked drink in the process. The world is tipping a little to the side, so she isn’t quite sure she’s doing such a good job of it. She doesn’t find Kara, but she does find Kate. She’s talking to a pretty girl with dark skin and a flirty smile that Kate’s returning.

  


“Hey, Kate,” Lena breaks in, too tipsy to be sorry about interrupting. “Have you seen Kara?”

  


“Not for a bit,” Kate tells her apologetically. “She went out back in the yard with Kenny last I saw her.”

  


Kenny. Lena grits her teeth and tries not to scream. Kara forgot about her for Kenny again. Left her alone at a party with no one she knows to talk to Kenny, probably alone, in the yard. Lena doubts she even remembers Lena at all. Just like fucking movie night. She’s probably too caught up with Kenny, giving him that smile that really meets her eyes, crinkles the edges of them and wrinkles her nose, eyes all soft and gaze like there’s no where else she’d rather be. Lena holds back a gag at the thought.

  


Well, Lena isn’t gonna just let Kara leave her behind. She gives Kate a muttered thanks that she probably doesn’t hear and pushes her way towards the yard. She downs her drink and drops it somewhere before she steps out. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it’s her house.

  


There’s a few groups of people milling about, but it’s much quieter out here than it was in the house. Lena spots Kara and Kenny near the back of it, standing by a tree with some pretty white flowers blooming on it. At least, they look white, but it’s dark as shit and Lena’s vision may be blurring a little.

  


She heads towards them, and is about halfway there when she stops in her tracks like she’s hit a wall. Kenny is leaning forward, cupping Kara’s face in his hands like Kara sometimes cups Lena’s, and presses their lips together, all shy and sweet, like Kara never does to her, never would do to her. Kara doesn’t move. She must be swooning, Lena thinks bitterly.

  


That thought jerks Lena out of her thoughts. She turns abruptly, moving back towards the house and shoving her way inside. She needs another fucking drink right now.

  


If Lena had stayed, she would have seen Kara take Kenny’s wrists into her hands and pull them away from her face. She would have seen Kara move back, a sad twist to her lips. If she had been closer, she would’ve heard Kara say, “I’m sorry, Kenny. I don’t like you that way. You’re a great guy, but I can’t.”

  


Instead, Lena throws herself through the crowd of people and gets herself a cup of straight alcohol to drink in record time. The image of Kara kissing Kenny is stained on her eyelids, Kara’s voice saying, “You’re like a sister to me.” echoing in her ears like laughter, and Lena wants to wash it all away until there’s nothing and no one, especially not Kara Danvers.

  


She stumbles her way towards the front door. She has to get out of here, where every voice won’t sound like Kara taunting her and every kissing couple won’t have Kara and Kenny’s faces.

  


“Hey,” Jack says, showing up out of nowhere (or maybe Lena just isn’t paying attention anymore, he could have been calling her name as she was throwing back shots like water) grabbing her by the elbow and righting her. “You okay?”

  


Lena doesn’t dignify that with a response. She thinks the answer is obvious enough.

  


“If you see Kara,” she slurs, “if you see her, you tell her I said to go fuck herself. I’m way better than fucking Kenny, and that shit isn’t fair. Fucking picks him over me.” She jerks her elbow out of Jack’s grasp and backs towards the front door, hitting the side with her shoulder. “And that I don’t need a ride because fuck her. Make sure you say that.”

  


She miraculously gets down the front steps without falling, and trips her way down the front lawn. She doesn’t know where the fuck she is, but she picks a direction that she thinks her house may be in, and sets off, mumbling obscenities under her breath.

  


At some point it gets to be too much, and she’s picking up an empty beer bottle from the sidewalk and throwing it down so it smashes in the street. Just like her heart. Fuck Kara. Then she vomits and realizes she has no idea where she is.

  


She ends up calling Lucy since she’s her only friend that she knows will be up this late that isn’t Alex (not an option, with the enemy, her mind supplies). She blubbers to her over the phone, words a jumble of, “puke and lost and fuck Kara and I want to go home.” that Lena would be embarrassed about if she weren’t so smashed. She manages to tell her what street she’s on, and Lucy promises to be there in ten.

  


Lena sits down on the sidewalk, head between her knees, taking deep breaths through the nausea and the spinning world. Her phone buzzes and she checks it. It’s Kara.

  


Lena turns off her phone, stuffs it away, and thinks, harsh and biting, “Fuck Kara.” one final time before she passes out in the grass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try (huge emphasis on try) to get the next part done very soon, but I’m kind of swamped with college and this part alone took me about four months to write without having schoolwork on top of it and the next part should be the same length or possibly even longer. I’m hoping that actually posting the first part and getting feedback will be incentive for me to write faster though, so fingers crossed!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed! Thanks for reading, let me know what you think xx


	2. your lipgloss smile, your scraped up knees, and...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i want to thank you all for the amazingly kind comments you all left on the first chapter! they meant so much to me and were 100% my motivation for getting this done way faster than i ever expected i could. this is by far the most i’ve ever written in less than a month, so thank you for the inspiration!
> 
> and ok so i lied about how long this was going to be. i reevaluated and ended up pushing a part that was supposed to be in this chapter into the next and added several more parts to go along with it so...extra chapter! this will also probably cap out at around 100k rather than the 50k-60k that i originally said. oops? i’ve never been good at calculating my word counts. 
> 
> in any case, i somehow managed to bang this out in between three midterms which is super impressive for me! hope you all enjoy!

It’s been five days and Lena still hasn’t talked to Kara since the party. Not that she could if she wanted to. She’d ended up crashing at Lucy’s place, and Lillian hadn’t been too happy when Lena had shown up at home the next day, obviously having gone out while ground and clearly hungover to boot. Lillian had put a more strict grounding on her, taking her phone and forcing Eve to watch her all day like a goddamn babysitter to make sure she wouldn’t escape the prison cell of her room. Lena could still leave at night if she wanted, Lillian hadn’t thought to find a way to block her window, but she honestly hadn’t wanted to. The thought of seeing Kara, having to hear her announce that Kenny is boyfriend, made Lena sick.

And Kara probably hadn’t even really noticed, anyway. She was probably too busy with Kenny to care.

(In reality, Kara was in a total panic. She’d called Lena thirty-two times and had left seventeen voicemails. She’d talked Alex’s ear off about how worried she was for Lena, if she got home okay, if she was mad at her, and, oh, god, what if Lena never talks to her again? Alex had just about had it and even left Lena a voicemail herself that was a little less than friendly. Lucy had been pretty tight lipped about what Lena said when she was drunk no matter how much Kara (and Alex, pretty desperate herself at this point) had begged, and, although Lena would’ve been glad to know this, Kara was decidedly not.)

It’s just past two in the morning and Lena is bored out of her mind because she can’t sleep. She misses Kara. She misses sleeping next to her, the way their bodies would touch underneath the blanket where it was safe and nothing was really real, just their knees knocking or a hand on a waist or toes brushed against calves. She misses the way they’d talk about everything and nothing until they’d fall asleep. She misses the sound of Kara sketching the nights where her insomnia is at its worst, and the puff of Kara’s breath in her ear, soft and rhythmic, when it’s at its best. She just misses Kara.

But it doesn’t matter. Kara has someone new to do all of that with, she reminds herself for the thirtieth time that day. She can’t believe she only has about two months left with Kara and she’s losing her to a boy. It’s like some sort of sick joke, one that makes Lena equal parts want to laugh and cry and puke.

Just as Lena is starting to drift off, something bangs against her window, causing her to jerk awake. She pauses, but nothing else happens. She writes it off as the wind, curling back up in her bed. Immediately once she’s settled, another bang sounds and a third is quick to follow.

Lena huffs, throwing her covers off and marching over to the window. She pulls back the curtain and finds a face staring back at her.

“Oh, shit!” Lena yelps, backing away. She’s contemplating what in her room can be used as a good weapon or if she should just run downstairs and out the front door, fuck her parents, when she hears, “Lena, it’s me!” muffled through the glass.

Lena tentatively moves back to the window and hesitantly peeks out again. It’s Kara. She sighs in relief, flips the latch, and tugs the window open.

Kara stumbles her way inside, just barely avoiding fall on her face. She swings around to study Lena, runs her eyes over her whole body, gaze fond like Lena in her pajamas and her pillow rumpled hair is the best thing she’s ever seen. She smiles at her wide, and Lena looks away.

“Hey,” she greets, like they just ran into each other at the grocery store or something, not in the middle of the night after Kara attempted to break into her house.

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks, sharper than she intends to be. Being faced with Kara, all she can see is Kenny’s hands on her face and their lips pressed together and what she could imagine they did after that. And, fuck, has she imagined.

Kara’s smile drops. She bites her lip.

“You haven’t been coming by, and you weren’t answering your phone,” Kara explains, appearing slightly awkward now. “I didn’t know why.”

“I was grounded,” Lena tells her. She still not hasn’t fully processed that Kara is actually standing in front of her in her room right now, probably one of last people Lena wants to be doing that.

“You usually sneak out anyway,” Kara points out, rocking back on her heels slightly, barely noticeable, but Lena catches it. It’s one of Kara’s nervous ticks. She grits her teeth.

Lena knows she’s being irrational. She’s aware that she has no right to be upset with Kara for liking a boy, not really, but she can’t help believing she’s being replaced. And she can’t stop herself from wanting to be in Kenny’s place, whatever that may mean.

That’s why she finds herself snapping, “Maybe I didn’t because I didn’t want to see you.”

Now Kara’s face drops completely, and she seems so hurt that Lena almost feels bad. Almost, because a part of her wants Kara to feel the same hurt that she did when she chose Kenny over her.

“Is this about the party?” Kara asks. She sounds tense, like a spouse who knows they’re sleeping on the couch tonight. “Lena, I tried to come right back, but people kept grabbing me and wanting to talk and every time I got away it happened again. And then Kenny pulled me into the yard and—”

The mention of Kenny makes Lena’s blood boil. She lets out a laugh, more of an angry bark than anything else, and Kara cuts herself off, eyeing Lena warily.

“Yeah, I saw you with Kenny,” Lena snaps, so bitter it’s almost vile on her lips.

Kara blinks. “Is that what this is about? Kenny?”

Lena isn’t going to admit it that easily. Not when she knows that she shouldn’t be angry at all. Anyone else would be happy to hear their friend got a boyfriend, but she isn’t. Admitting it would mean explaining why that is.

But she can’t deny it either. She just stares at the ground, arms crossed and body coiled tight.

“Lena...” Kara tries softly. Her shoes (her lace up boots, which still have some little droplets of water on them—it must have been raining out) come closer. “It isn’t like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Lena keeps her eyes trained on Kara’s boots, too busy counting those drops of water on them. “It certainly seemed like it was.”

Kara is silent. Lena would bet she’s chewing on her lip, brows creased so that there’s a little wrinkle just under the scar on her forehead.

“Look, Lena,” Kara starts, but Lena doesn’t want to hear it. It’s late, she’s tired, and seeing Kara is like being dunked in the water over and over again with only a few seconds to gasp for air in between.

“I’m not really interested in your relationship with Kenny, to be honest, Kara,” Lena bites out. She still can’t look at her, knows she would see a hurt that’ll be painful for herself, too. “And frankly I’m surprised you even noticed I wasn’t talking to you. I thought you’d be too busy with Kenny.”

“Of course I...Lena, I always notice you,” Kara says. Lena feels like a crater is about to erupt in her chest. “I can barely keep from losing myself in it.”

Normally the words would have some sort of affect on Lena that she doesn’t want to name. Today—

“Not when you’re with Kenny.”

Kara blinks at her, then gives her a look like that’s the dumbest thing she’s ever said.

“Are you kidding?” Kara says incredulously. She’d seem like she wants to laugh, if it were not for how serious her eyes are.

“No,” Lena defends before Kara can continue on. “I saw how you two danced together at prom. And I saw you two kiss at that party that you dragged me to just to blow me off to be with him.” Lena tries to steady herself, but— “And you gave him my fucking spot at movie night!”

Kara pauses for a long moment, and Lena can tell she’s trying to process that. Probably to come up with some sort of excuse, if Lena had to guess.

“Kenny and I are just friends,” Kara says eventually, slowly, like she’s really trying to make Lena understand. “I mean, he kissed me, but I—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lena cuts in, not completely sure if she’s speaking to herself or to Kara.

“It clearly does,” Kara points out, and, okay, maybe she’s right. She shakes her head, like she’s clearing her thoughts. “Lena, at movie night he just got there way early and we’d been talking for a while and I didn’t want to tell him to move. I didn’t think—I just didn’t think. And maybe a part of me was trying to...” Kara purses her lips. “It doesn’t matter. Like you said.”

Lena’s head echos, _it clearly does_ , but she doesn’t say it. Doesn’t have the guts to.

“And at the party,” Kara continues, her voice hitting a slightly higher pitch, like she’s desperate or something. “That kiss didn’t mean anything. I told him we could only be friends. I don’t know what you saw, but I didn’t kiss him, _he_ kissed _me_ , and I pushed him away once the shock wore off. I never thought he’d do that.”

“It didn’t look like that,” Lena mutters, and Kara lets out a loud, frustrated breath. A little too loud, and Lena winces, worried her parents might wake up.

“But it was like that!” Kara insists. “Why would I lie?”

Lena doesn’t have an answer for that. She doesn’t have an answer for anything. She wants to toss her arms up in the air and give up and climb in her bed and pull the blanket over her head and never come out. She wants to just forgive Kara because she knows she’s being unreasonable, she _knows_ , but the angry, bitter feeling gnawing at her chest won’t go away.

“I don’t know! To make me feel better?” Lena suggests, steadfastly gazing out her window. She can hear the rain now, pitter-pattering against the glass.

“But why would I even expect that me kissing Kenny would make you feel upset?” Kara is hedging for something, something Lena can’t give her because—

It’s like a shot in the chest. Another reminder that Kara will never feel the same, could never feel the same, as whatever the feelings swirling around in Lena’s head and twisting around her heart and fluttering in her stomach may be. That Kara doesn’t understand, that she doesn’t know. That whatever it is between them is one-sided, so one-sided that Kara doesn’t see it, or feel it, at all.

“You’re right,” Lena finally agrees, after a long moment of tense silence. It’s dull, defeated. She doesn’t even try to cover it.

“Lena, listen. I...” Kara stops herself, and Lena manages to will herself to raise her gaze.

Kara is biting her lip, so hard Lena is afraid it may start bleeding. And her eyes—she looks tired. There are bruises underneath her eyes, so deep they’re purple. A part of Lena craves to run her thumb along them, press a kiss there, and then to her eyelids, soothe her until she is able to get some real rest.

“You should get some sleep,” Lena blurts, and Kara’s eyes dart to hers, widen just slightly. “When was the last time you slept?”

Kara stares at her like she’s grown a second head. “Haven’t gotten much since a few days ago, since...” the party, Lena’s mind supplies. Guilt rumbles through her to consider that Kara has been awake for days worrying about her, about their friendship. She pushes it down.

“Go home. Go to sleep,” Lena orders, swiveling away from Kara completely and towards her bed. She doesn’t want to watch Kara leave. “I need some time to think.”

Silence. She hears Kara huff a laugh behind her. It’s bitter and sad and so unlike her. “You really don’t get it, do you, Lena?”

Lena doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but by the time she’s turned to ask her, the window slams shut, and Kara is gone. All Lena can hear is the rhythmic beat of the rain against her window.

* * *

And Lena does think about it. She spends practically two whole days thinking about it, inbetween Lillian snapping at her for not making herself useful by going to work with her father or getting ready for college (“It’s only two months away now,” Lillian says, like that doesn’t hang over Lena’s head everyday like a guillotine). Two days, and then she decides that she needs an unbiased opinion.

She sneaks into Lillian’s office after she goes to work and carefully raids through her drawers. She finds her phone in the bottom one, stuck under wires, an old mousepad, and a giant stack of papers. She rolls her eyes. Lillian’s going to need to do a better job than that if she wants to hide things from her.

She goes back to her room and waits for it to turn on. When it does, she’s surprised to see that her voicemail is completely full. It’s mostly Kara and one from Alex, which makes Lena wince. Out of curiosity, she plays a few of the messages.

_Hey, Lena. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Call me back when you get this._

Lena deletes that, deletes all of the messages from the party. She doesn’t want to hear them.

She arrives at a message from three days after, made at ten past four in the morning. She’s terrified to know what it’s about, but can’t resist listening to it.

_I just don’t get it, you know? I don’t know what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. Just want to take care of you. Think about it all the time. I think I’m i—_

Lena deletes it before it even finishes. Kara’s voice is slurred and teary and this isn’t for Lena to hear, not really. She deletes the rest of the messages, knowing they’re probably more of the same. She doesn’t dare listening to Alex’s either. It isn’t going to be anything nice, and Lena doesn’t really feel like getting cursed out, even if she also feels like she kind of deserves it.

She clicks out of her voicemail and calls Jack, like she had been planning. He’s the only one in her contact list that doesn’t know Kara and doesn’t know their relationship well enough to have an opinion. He can give her the unbiased thoughts she needs right now.

He agrees to meet her for coffee in an hour, and Lena is so excited to have a reason to get out of the house that she leaves right away. Her grounding has gone on long enough that Eve turns a blind eye to her leaving out the front door. Eve and her may not have a real relationship with each other, but they at least have a mutual understanding that what Lillian doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt her.

Because she’s left so early, Lena walks to the coffee shop instead of driving. It’s a beautiful day, eighty degrees and sunny, a small breeze rattling the trees every few minutes, a whisper of coolness on the back of Lena’s neck. It’s like she hasn’t felt the sun beat on her face in weeks. While it would usually bother her, she cherishes it right now.

She gets to the shop forty minutes early, so she sits down on the curb and smokes, watching the cars and people go by, just enjoying getting to be outside in the sun. Somehow, it makes her savor her cigarette even mote than usual.

She’s on her second one when Jack finally shows up. She doesn’t even notice, too preoccupied with watching a man across the way trying to walk his hyperactive dog and carry a large package at the same time. He’s fumbling with the coffee Lena didn’t even note he had when she feels a tap against her thigh. A shoe. She looks up, eyebrows raised, to see Jack standing above her, grinning.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Jack asks, once they’e settled with their coffees and Lena’s informed Jack about the characters she’d seen while people watching, and in return, he’s detailed all about the woman who had been yelling on the phone in front of him during his walk.

“It’s about the party,” Lena explains, circling her finger around the lid of her cup.

“Is it about why you left?” Jack sounds very curious. She’s not surprised; she did leave rather abruptly while cursing out her best friend.

“Yeah.” Lena bites her lip, eyes fixed on her coffee. She’s gripping her cup so tight she’s afraid the styrofoam might break and the steaming coffee will spill out and burn her fingers. “When I went out in the yard, I saw Kara kissing a boy.”

She peeks up at Jack. He’s nodding, expression gentle, like he gets it.

So, she tells him everything. She tells him about movie night and Kenny and the party and the voicemails and Kara climbing in her window and their argument afterwards. Jack doesn’t say anything, just listens, really listens, and takes everything in.

“And I just don’t know why I’m so upset,” Lena concludes, shrugging. “I know I shouldn’t be. I’m being completely ridiculous! But I can’t seem to help it.”

Jack gives her a long look, like he’s trying to figure out whether or not he should say something.

Lena sighs. “What is it?”

“It seems to me,” Jack begins carefully, like he’s approaching a rabid dog, “that you’re jealous.”

It both shocks Lena and doesn’t surprise her at all. On the one hand, it’s so obvious to her now that that was what the bitter coiled feeling in her chest had been. On the other, she had already known. She’d just been unwilling to truly analyze it for long enough to put a name to the feeling.

“Maybe you’re right,” Lena admits. She isn’t too happy about it. “I just...I want Kara to spend our last few months together with me. I hate to think of her choosing a boy instead. We’ve been friends for four years, and she means the world to me. The idea of her picking Kenny over that, over me...I guess I am jealous.”

Jack considers her for a long moment.

“Is that the only reason?” he asks.

Lena blinks at him. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Jack let’s out a breath, long suffering like Lena’s really putting him through the ringer.

“Is there really no other reason why you’re jealous when you think about Kara being with Kenny?”

Lena contemplates that. Then it hits her like a freight train. No.

“I told you,” Lena hisses, hating how defensive she sounds. “It’s not like that between Kara and I. Not at all. I just don’t want Kara to throw away our friendship for some guy.”

“Right,” Jack says, but it doesn’t seem like he means it. “Lena, do you even realize how obvious you are?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Lena splutters. She has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about, and, honestly, she doesn’t think she wants to.

“When we were lab partners, you used to talk about Kara constantly. It was always Kara would hate this or Kara would love that, and I don’t think you even realized you were doing it. Like it was second nature for you to ponder what it would be like if she were there when she isn’t. You’d always shake your head after with this silly little grin on your face. I felt like I knew her by the end of the year from how much you talked about her alone.”

Lena opens her mouth to protest, to argue that that doesn’t mean anything, Kara is her best friend of course she talks about her, but Jack holds up a hand to stop her. He isn’t done yet.

“And I remember this one Friday after school, when we were both on duty to clean the Chem labs last October. You kept glancing out the window where we could see the girls’ soccer team practicing, and every time Kara did anything, you’d turn to me and practically gush about it. You kept telling me how Kara is the best women’s soccer player in the state. Like at least four times. At one point she noticed you and waved and I don’t think I’d ever seen you smile so big. And don’t even get me started on when she came by after practice was over. The way your eyes lit up, the way your face got soft...your whole demeanor changed just like that. I’d never seen you so open before.”

Lena is quiet. She doesn’t know what to say. She feels like Jack has seen too much of her, cut her open and peered in where no one else is supposed to, where not even she is.

“How did you even notice all that?” Lena asks. Her voice is low, subdued, maybe a little awed.

“How could I not? You wear the way you feel for her like it’s so fundamental to you that you can’t separate it from everything you do.” Jack looks sympathetic, sounds it too. Like it’s just occurring to him that this is all brand new information to her.

And it is, in a way. She always knew she had a small crush on Kara, she couldn’t help it, really. But she hadn’t known how obvious it was, and her heart sinks in her chest to imagine that Kara knows, has known this whole time, and chose to ignore it because she could never feel the same way and felt too awkward to bring it up and have to let her down.

“I don’t—I’m not...Fuck.” Lena drops her face into her hands. Her throat strains and her eyes well, and the last thing she needs is to cry in a public coffee house in front of a guy who she’s only just becoming friends with.

“Hey,” Jack murmurs, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t,” Lena mumbles into to her hands. She lifts them to wipe off her face to make sure there aren’t any tears on it. “I have a crush on my best friend who’s a _girl_ and I got pissed off and practically ruined our friendship just because she kissed a boy and I’m jealous that she doesn’t want to kiss me instead. Which she will never want to do because she’s normal and I’m...”

“Lena,” Jack breaks in. “There’s nothing wrong with you for liking Kara. It’s just as natural as anyone else having a crush on their friend.”

Lena doesn’t know if she believes that, but doesn’t disagree. That’s not really the problem here.

Jack opens his mouth to say something else, but shakes his head, barely there, like he’s changed his mind. Lena doesn’t even want to know what it was. She has a feeling it was going to be more psychoanalyzing that she wouldn’t be able to handle hearing.

“And I highly doubt you ruined your friendship. After what you said, Kara obviously misses you and wants to make up with you. I don’t think she’d have any problem forgiving you, no matter what you did to her, to be honest.”

Lena shrugs. Part of her believes he’s right; there’s a good chance Kara would forgive her if she were to pull out a gun and shoot her in the leg. That’s just the kind of person Kara is—loyal to a fault to the people she loves.

“Just go see her,” Jack advises. “Talk things out. You don’t have to tell her you like her, but try being honest. You’ll be glad you did.”

Lena sighs. He’s definitely right. She can’t stay mad at Kara, especially not when she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Lena who can’t keep her emotions in check, can’t keep her dumb crush on her best friend locked up far away in the back of her mind where it should be.

Lena finally pulls on a smile, small but earnest.

“Thanks for coming to talk to me,” Lena says. She rises from her seat, and Jack does the same.

Jack pulls her into a tight hug, and she leans into it, closing her eyes. She feels her lips quirk up a little more.

“Anytime,” Jack promises, giving her one final squeeze.

They head outside, and bid each other goodbye, promising to talk again soon. Just before Lena turns away, as she’s pulling her Malbouros out from her pocket, Jack says, “Lena?”

Lena glances back towards him, raises her eyebrows.

“Just for the record, Kara looks at you the same way.” He grins, wide. “Good luck.”

Lena watches him walk away, doesn’t move until he’s completely gone from her sight. When he is, she sticks a cigarette between her lips, lights it up, and forces herself not to consider what that means.

* * *

After her meeting with Jack, Lena knows she has to forgive Kara. She waits until her parents are asleep (midnight tonight, Lillian must be ahead on her work) and goes about her usual process of sneaking out.

It’s raining again, and Lena has to huddle herself under her hoodie until it’s completely drenched. It doesn’t over much cover after that, and she can feel the dampness of her skin getting wet.

When she gets to Kara’s house, she grabs the key from under the mat and unlocks the door so quick that she doesn’t even notice the light on downstairs.

Lena’s just pulling the door shut when she hears, “Lena?” from the doorway of the kitchen. She startles and spins around.

It’s Eliza, and she has a subtle grin and raised eyebrows that remind her so much of Alex.

“Hi, Eliza,” Lena greets, voice a little sheepish. She must be a sorry sight, soaked through like a drowned kitten, heavy bags under her eyes, and miserable without Kara.

“Hello, Lena,” Eliza replies. She sounds like she’s holding back laughter. “Why don’t you hang up that jacket and come help me in the kitchen?”

Lena does as she’s told. After all, she was breaking into Eliza’s home in the middle of the night. It’s the least she can do.

Eliza is preparing tea, something Lena knows is a Danvers family tradition when it rains at night. She makes the three of them tea to drink before they sleep, since it used to be how she would calm Alex down when she was a kid and afraid of storms. It stuck, and naturally Kara was included in on it when they took her in when she was twelve. Now, Eliza pulls out a fourth mug.

“I haven’t seen you here in a while,” Eliza notes casually. “Or, I suppose, heard you coming in at night. Kara’s seemed pretty down about it.”

Lena bites her lip, guilty. “We had a bit of a falling out. I’m here to make things right with her.”

Eliza smiles. “Good, I’m glad to hear that. I don’t know where that girl would be without you.” She shakes her head. “It’s always Lena did this and Lena said that. I swear, she thinks you’re the best thing to come out of this world. She’s been quiet without her favorite topic to gush about.”

If Kara were here to hear this, she’d be groaning and saying it isn’t true, all blush-y and awkward. But with the knowing look in Eliza’s eye and her own heated cheeks, it feels true. To imagine that Kara talks about Lena as often as Lena thinks about her... Lena looks down at the counter. She can’t meet Eliza’s eyes, not knowing the way she feels about her daughter.

Eliza slides two of the mugs to Lena.

“Why don’t you take those upstairs?” she suggests, taking the two other mugs into her own hands. “Kara was in the shower when I came down, so she should be out soon. I’m sure she won’t mind if you wait in her room. In fact, I think she’ll be happy to find you there.”

Lena takes the two mugs in her hands, appreciating how they warm against the cold from being wet in the rain and then coming into the cool, air conditioned house. She knows the one on the left is Kara’s, a black mug with a bunch of yellow smiley faces on it. She’s seen her drink from it more times than she can count.

She heads into Kara’s room and isn’t surprised that she isn’t there. She could still hear the hairdryer on in the bathroom (Kara refuses to sleep with her hair wet). She places Kara’s mug down on her bedside table, and takes a sip from her own. It’s sweet and floral and warms her belly in the best way. She understands why it’s so perfect for a rainy night.

Her eyes stray over to Kara’s bed, where she notices a few papers lying out. She picks up one, and it’s the same one from last time: the woman with her face melting. It’s more detailed now, and there’s a hand, fingers spread and strained, reaching forward, like she’s asking the viewer to save her. The tips of her fingers are skeletal, and blood and melted skin runs down them like candle wax. The face makes Lena want to be sick. Her mouth is open in a gaping scream, and her tongue is liquid, running down her chin and neck. Her eyes are doing the same down her cheeks, leaving the sockets empty and dark. It’s haunting, and Lena can’t imagine how Kara, cheerful, fun, sweet Kara, could envision this in the first place, let alone have the stomach to draw it. She tucks it back where it came from and picks up another, hoping it won’t be as morbid.

It’s not, but it’s just as much of a shock as the last one anyway. It’s Lena, curled up on a beanbag in front of the TV, lips curled in a small smile while she watches Marty McFly play the guitar. Kara has captured her—the line of her jaw, the fullness of her lips, the arch of her brows, the way the light of the movie lays on her cheeks—so well it’s like looking at a photograph. She can’t believe that Kara drew this from memory, that Kara had been watching her enough to be able to perfectly remember the scene, especially when Kenny had been sitting next to her.

Jack’s parting words play in her head in a smug loop.

She hears footsteps nearing the door, and she drops the page back on the bed. The door opens, and Kara jumps, eyes wide.

“Jesus, Lena. You scared the shit out of me!” She glances over at her bed and hurries over to grab her art, stuffing it into a folder and crossing the room to tuck it away on a shelf. “What are you doing here?”

Lena lets herself take Kara in, from the messy bun at the top of her head to her baggy t-shirt and basketball shorts to her bare feet. She’s beautiful, the most beautiful person Lena’s ever seen, and she doesn’t even have to try. Lena could never stay mad at her, not when she feels like this.

“I wanted to apologize,” Lena admits, tapping the tips of her fingers on her mug. Kara’s eyes are drawn to the movement and they light up. She reaches for the cup, but Lena leans away. “Your mug is on your night stand.”

“You can have that one,” Kara insists, snatching away Lena’s tea. She pulls it to her lips and takes a sip, humming in satisfaction. A strange flutter builds in the pit of Lena’s belly that she doesn’t want to think about.

Lena gives up and grabs the other cup, Kara’s mug, and drinks from it. There’s a funny glint in Kara’s eye as she does.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” Kara asks, apologetic. “You know how much I love this tea.”

Lena waves it off and takes a breath. “I wanted to apologize.”

Kara’s eyebrows raise. “For what?”

“For not believing you,” Lena begins, trying to psych herself up. “For getting mad when I shouldn’t have, for leaving that party without telling you, for avoiding you for the past week, for fighting with you...all of it.”

Kara stares at her for a long time, then a small grin pulls at her lips, almost shy. “You don’t have to apologize, Lena. I get it.”

“No, you don’t,” Lena protests. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad, I was just...I was just jealous.”

“Jealous?” Kara repeats, in a voice Lena doesn’t think she’s ever heard from her before. There’s some sort of spark in it that’s reflected in her eyes, something almost dark. Lena holds back a shiver at the intensity of it.

“I just...” Lena shakes her head to clear her thoughts. “I was just worried that you were going to replace me with Kenny. I know it’s dumb.”

Kara steps forward, cups Lena’s face with the hand not holding her mug, angles Lena’s jaw so their eyes meet. Kara’s hand is warm and soft from her shower, and everywhere it touches her skin feels like the nerves in her cheek and jaw are running into overdrive. She knows her breath has picked up, but there’s nothing she can do to calm herself, not with Kara touching her like this.

“I could never replace you,” Kara promises, eyes and words a little fierce. Her thumb brushes along Lena’s cheekbone, gentle and sweet. “Not for anything or anyone. You’re more than my best friend. You’re my...you’re my Lena.”

Lena’s heart stutters. It’s such a fucking romantic thing to say, enough that Lena almost lets herself consider that Kara could feel like she does, wonder if Kara is also imagining what it would be like if Lena were to pitch forward right now and kiss her, soft and slow and perfect.

“Yeah,” Lena breathes, too caught up in Kara’s eyes to form a real response. Her gaze flicks to Kara’s lips before she can stop herself, and when their eyes meet again, Kara’s seem a little darker, a little less blue. Lena swallows hard.

The moment is broken when the freezing air conditioning and her soaked in shirt finally get to her and her teeth begin to chatter. Kara feels the small movement against her palm and her eyes sweep over her jaw and then down at her body.

“Gosh, I’m sorry,” Kara exclaims, jumping away and over to her dresser. “I should’ve realized how wet you are. I just got...hm.” Kara clams up and tosses Lena a shirt. It’s one of her favorites, her ABBA one. Lena isn’t going to mention it, she doesn’t want Kara to take it away.

She pulls it on, as well as the sweatpants Kara gives her. They’re soft and cozy and the top smells like the fabric softener Eliza uses and something distinctly Kara. Part of her wants to pull it up over her nose and let herself bask in it, but she figures Kara may find that strange.

Kara is leaning against her dresser, mug held between her hands. She’s watching Lena, mouth quirked in a tiny grin, eyes filled with something like affection. Lena can’t look at directly.

“You look good,” Kara says, in that same voice from before. It’s deeper than her voice usually is, Lena registers.

She blushes. She remembers what Kara had said on movie night when she’d been drunk, and wonders if sober Kara thinks the same thing. She snorts a laugh, and it comes out slightly hysterical. “As if.”

“No, you do,” Kara insists. She holds her cup up to her face so Lena can’t see her mouth. “Why would I lie?”

It brings Lena back to their conversation from a few nights ago, when Kara had said the same thing. She bites her lip.

“You wouldn’t,” Lena concludes, exactly what she should have told her then. “About my apology...”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kara cuts in. “You were forgiven as soon as I saw you. I just hope you can forgive me for hurting you in the first place.”

Lena shakes her head. “Like I said, I had no right to be angry in the first place. I should’ve listened to you when you came to my house.”

“All in the past,” Kara brushes off. Lena notices that she seems to be unfocused; her eyes keep raking over Lena’s body. She isn’t sure if Kara is analyzing her for some reason or if there’s something about her she can’t tear her eyes away from. “Are we good?”

“Great,” Lena affirms, grinning, the happiest she’s felt in days. She’d missed Kara so much, it was like losing a limb. She’d had Phantom Kara Syndrome, constantly forgetting that she couldn’t just talk to her or be with her, and now that she’s back it’s like she’d never been gone at all.

Kara matches her smile and puts her mug down on the dresser so that she can pull Lena into a tight hug. Kara’s chin digs sharp into her shoulder and she squeezes her a bit too hard, but it’s Kara, and it may just be the best hug they’ve ever had. Kara doesn’t even have to say she missed her. Lena can tell.

“Will you stay?” Kara whispers, right in Lena’s ear, a secret to share between the two of them. “Will you stay with me? Please?”

Lena knows that Kara is asking if she’ll stay the night, if they can curl up together and finally get some desperately needed sleep. But part of her wonders if Kara means something else, something more permanent.

Last time, when Kara had asked her not to leave, Lena didn’t want to make any promises. This time, when Lena says yes, she’s saying it to both.

* * *

Lena has had such a spring in her step the past few days that even Lillian has noticed and been eying her suspiciously. Lena ignores it. She’s too happy to have made up with Kara to care.

They haven’t been able to hang out during the day, since Lillian has been making her go to work with either her or Lionel to get more experience before she goes off to college. Whenever Lillian mentions it, Lena can’t help but internally roll her eyes. The closer that MIT gets, the less and less Lena wants to go. Most days, she blocks the reality of it from her mind completely.

But at night, Lena hasn’t missed a single chance. She’s out her window the second Lillian shuts herself in for the night, at Kara’s place ten minutes later. Kara always brightens up the same way when she sees her, like she thought that night would be the night Lena wouldn’t show. They crawl into bed together, sometimes they throw on a movie, sometimes Lena watches Kara sketch, sometimes they turn off the lights, tuck under the blankets and face each other in the dark, whisper between themselves about whatever comes to mind in their own bubble, like everything they say is just for them, to be kept a secret from just the world itself. Lena adores it, would trade the world to have all her nights be like that.

Today, Lena is determined to see Kara. Lionel and Lillian will be out all day and well into the night for a work party (Lena isn’t even sure who’s work it’s for), which means she basically has free reign to do whatever she wants. With that in mind, she grabs everything she needs, digs her car keys out of the master bathroom’s medicine cabinet where Lillian hid them in an empty pill bottle, and heads out.

When Lena pulls up at Kara’s house, Kara’s in the driveway practicing kick flips on her skateboard, while Alex sits in the grass watching, wearing obnoxiously large sunglasses and sipping lemonade from a straw. Kara doesn’t notice her, but Alex does. She lets the straw slip from her mouth long enough to say, “Lena’s here,” before she pulls it back in with her tongue.

Kara whips around, a wide grin on her face. She sprints over, ducking her head through the open passenger window, arms crossed on top of it.

“Now, what’s a gorgeous lady like you doing around these parts?” Kara asks, putting on a faux Southern accent. It’s awful, and Lena can’t help but laugh. She’s glad it’s so ridiculous since it stops her from focusing on how Kara called her gorgeous.

“You want to go to the beach?” she asks, already knowing that the answer will be a resounding yes. Kara loves the beach, is practically obsessed with it, and has never turned down on opportunity to go.

She’s right. Kara’s face somehow breaks out into an even bigger grin, so wide Lena’s afraid her face might actually split.

“Let me just get my stuff,” Kara agrees instantly. She rushes back to the house, pausing a brief moment to ask Alex if she wants to join. Alex shakes her head, collecting herself and her things off the ground, and they both head inside.

Kara’s back ten minutes later, practically skipping from excitement. She tugs open the door and slides in the car, throwing her beach bag in the backseat.

They head off, and Kara starts playing with the radio. She rotates the knob, flicking through the channels faster than she can even hear what’s playing.

“How are you gonna find what you want to listen to when you’re going that fast?” Lena asks, rolling her eyes.

“I just know,” Kara says, not pausing her search. “It’s a gift.”

Lena shakes her head and longs to glance over at her. She’s a nervous driver, never takes her eyes off the road or moves them from perfect ten and two, but Kara makes her feel safe, safe enough that she could allow her eyes to drift over just to see her, just to make sure she’s really real.

(Kara, however, is an overly casual driver. It’s like she thinks she’s invincible. She always drives over the speed limit, takes sharp turns that makes Lena’s heart jump, only puts one hand on the wheel while the other is propped on the window. When Kara looks over at Lena—because she doesn’t focus on _the road_ —she always laughs and says, “Cool it, Lena, I promise I won’t kill you. You know I’d never let anything hurt you.” Then she throws Lena a grin that makes her heart beat faster not only because of how sincere and blinding it is, but because Kara seriously needs to be looking at the road since, oh god, she may be beginning to swerve out of the lane and there’s an eighteen wheeler coming fast.)

Kara suddenly lets out a high pitched squeal and settles on a station. ABBA filters through the car singing Waterloo, and Kara is immediately singing along. Lena huffs a laugh.

“I told you I’d be able to find what I wanted,” Kara gloats as the music plays. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Kara shifting, probably bopping along to the music like she usually does.

The movement is what draws Lena’s eyes to her. She can’t help herself. Kara’s ratty converse are propped up on the dash, tapping along to the song, something that would bother her if it were anyone else but with Kara she doesn’t care. She’s got her old jeans on, the ones that are washed out and have huge rips in the knees, so Lena can see the scrapes and scabs peeking through from Kara falling off her skateboard and onto her driveway. Through the white t-shirt Kara’s wearing, Lena can see her swimsuit, the neon yellow bikini top that doesn’t at all match the Hawaiian print swim trucks Lena knows she has on under her jeans.

When she reaches Kara’s face, she stops breathing. The sun is shining in a way that traces over her cheeks, turns her hair impossibly more golden. She has her elbow leaning on the window, a cigarette held between her pointer and middle fingers, and she sucks a drag from it, puckers her lips, and blows it out of the car in a perfect line. Her lips practically sparkle, and Lena knows that it’s from her favorite watermelon chapstick she’s always wearing that tints her lips a soft pink and makes them glisten. She’s so fucking beautiful.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the road?” Kara teases when she catches Lena watching her.

Their eyes lock. Kara’s are twinkling from her beaming smile. Lena thinks, _oh_.

It feels like the whole world shifts and stands still at the same time.

She doesn’t have a small crush on Kara like she always thought she did. She’s fucking _in love_ with her.

_She’s in love with Kara._

She rips her gaze away from Kara, focuses back on the road, tightens her grip on the wheel, and tries not to panic.

How could she have let herself fall in love with her? She knew that Kara wasn’t like her, had told herself that so many times when Kara would look at her a certain way, would talk in sweet words. How could she have let this happen? She had tried so hard not to, and now—

“Do you think the ice pop guy will be there?” Kara casually wonders aloud, like Lena isn’t going through her worst crisis since she’d realized that maybe chemistry isn’t actually her thing. God, Lena is having a rough summer. “I could really go for a lemon ice pop.”

“I don’t know,” Lena forces out, her voice as neutral as she can make it. “It is almost July.”

“Yeah,” Kara agrees, she stubs out her cigarette in the little ashtray behind the gearshift. “He’s usually around by mid-June, so he should definitely be here by now.”

Lena hums in agreement. She can’t imagine how she’s ever going to be able to look at Kara again without these feelings she has bubbling over. Now that she knows what it is, why her whole body seems to simultaneously sing and go calm when she’s near Kara, why her heart does a whole gymnastics routine whenever Kara smiles, why she doesn’t want to go a day of her life without Kara in it, she doesn’t know how she can stop herself from admitting it. Kara is the person she tells everything, how can she keep this secret from her?

They’re both quiet until Blondie comes on, and Kara turns it up full blast to sing along. Lena keeps herself fixed on the road, but eventually sings along after Kara nudges her side one too many times. She can’t say no to her. Damn it all, she can’t say no to her.

Once they get to the beach, Kara throws herself out of the car and strips out of her jeans and converse in the parking lot. She tosses them in the backseat and tugs a pair of flip flops out of her bag, slides her feet into them.

The second Lena has gotten out and hooked her bag on her shoulder, Kara is yanking on her hand and practically dragging her to the sand. All the way she’s chattering about what a nice day is and the water looks so good and it isn’t even that crowded and, _oh look, there’s the ice pop guy!_ Kara is still so much like a kid sometimes, and Lena supposes that’s one of the reasons why she’s in love with her. Lena needs someone like her to keep herself in check, to not let herself slip into her head and her work and get lost completely.

They set down their bags and lay out their towels a bit away from the shoreline, near a family of four with two young kids who are playing in the sand. Behind them is a couple, probably a few years older than them, and they’re making out aggressively, as if there aren’t children literally two feet away. Lena rolls her eyes.

When she turns back to Kara’s she’s pulling her shirt off, and Lena feels her mouth go completely dry. It isn’t often Lena gets to see Kara shirtless, and she always forgets the defined abs Kara has from soccer and working out every day to stay in shape for it. Lena knows she’s staring, but she can’t help it. She wants to drop to her knees and lick along the lines of it, feel the muscle definition under her tongue. She blushes and swallows hard, forcing herself to look away.

Kara’s got her eyebrows raised, but she doesn’t say anything. She just gestures towards Lena’s sundress.

“You gonna take that off?” She’s bouncing on the balls of her feet like an excited five year old. Lena doesn’t even know how she can manage that in the sand. “I’m dying to get in the water.”

Lena huffs and pulls the dress up over her head, revealing her bright red one piece. Kara laughs out loud.

“What?” Lena asks, indignant. She’d been hoping for something more like stunned silence while Kara openly ogled her chest, which Lena should add looked amazing in this suit. Of course, that was just wishful thinking, but Lena can’t help but still be disappointed. After what she realized today, the reminder that Kara doesn’t feel the same hurts more than ever.

“Only you would have lipstick that perfectly matches your swimsuit,” Kara says, shaking her head fondly. Lena smiles unconsciously.

“I’m sorry that I actually care about how I look,” Lena teases, dropping her eyes pointedly to Kara’s blue and orange swim trunks and their awful pink flowers.

“You just don’t know real style, Lena,” Kara shoots back, grin toothy and playful. If Lena didn’t know better she’d think Kara was flirting with her. Well, Lena can play that game.

“I’ll show you style,” Lena says quirking her lips into a smirk and swaying her hips slightly more than she usually does as she walks towards Kara.

Kara watches her, eyes focused and almost challenging. When Lena reaches her, Kara stands inhumanly still as Lena stretches onto her toes and kisses her on the cheek hard so that her lipstick will stick, bright red against her skin. She leans back and assesses her work, giving Kara a bright smile.

“Looks perfect!” she decides, and takes off towards the water, ignoring the way Kara complains and is probably wiping aggressively at her face to get it off.

Lena stops right at the shoreline, watching the way the waves rise and fall and how the sunlight causes the water to shimmer. It’s beautiful, and she’s so glad she decided to do this today.

Lena gets caught up in it until a pair of arms wrap themselves around her waist and there’s a chin digging into her shoulder. She inclines her head towards it, and, of course, it’s Kara, her blue eyes shining like the water in the sun.

Lena opens her mouth to speak, until she is suddenly struck by the memory of her dream from a few weeks ago from the way that the water wets her feet and Kara’s breath hits her cheek. _You’re going to drown anyway_ , echos in her head in Kara’s voice, and she shudders.

“I know it’s breezy, but it’s not that cold,” Kara giggles, right in her ear, and it makes Lena want to shudder again. Kara is completely pressed against her, and Lena can feel the soft press of her chest against her back. It’s almost too much for her bear now that she has an exploration for why she feels like this, like every nerve in her body is trying to get out.

“Fuck off,” Lena mumbles because she has no idea what else to say. She doesn’t make any move to actually make Kara let go, doesn’t want her to.

Kara just laughs, and lifts her chin to press a kiss to Lena’s cheek, much softer than Lena had done to her. She untangles herself from Lena and darts into the water, already up to her waist by the time Lena finds it in herself to move. Her cheek almost stings, like she’s bruised there. It’s so much more than when Kara had touched stroked her cheek on graduation day, and Lena wishes she could control the blush that she knows is heating her face. Hopefully Kara will just think it’s from the sun beating down on her.

Lena treads through the water, enjoying the coolness of it in contrast with the warmth of the sun.

“Hurry up, Lena!” Kara calls from a few feet away, just as a wave slams into her shoulder. She stumbles, then rights herself.

Lena laughs as she catches up to her, grabbing Kara’s bicep to keep her study. Fuck, it’s so hard. Lena wants to know what it feels like when she’s flexing it. Or maybe what it would be like to grip onto while Kara was above her and—

No. Lena can’t be thinking about that. It seems like ever since she figured out the true extent of how she feels for Kara, she has no control of her thoughts anymore, like a dam has been broken inside her head for all the fantasies she never let herself have about Kara before. She needs to keep herself in check.

A wave hits her hard, so hard she would’ve fallen back into the water if it hadn’t been for how she was holding onto Kara. She lets out an embarrassing squeak when she almost falls. Now it’s Kara’s turn to laugh.

“What was that?” she asks, dragging Lena forward to ride a small wave that comes their way.

“I don’t want to get my hair wet,” Lena lies because for some reason that’s a better reason to squeal than nearly falling.

Kara snorts and splashes Lena directly in the face.

“What the fuck,” Lena sputters, spitting out the disgusting salt water in her mouth. “Now you’re trying to ruin my makeup, too?”

Kara flings more water her way, but this time Lena raises her arms to protect her face.

“Who wears makeup to the beach anyway?” Kara jokes, dodging Lena’s counterattack. “It’s just gonna run off when you get wet.”

“I do,” Lena retorts, this time managing to nail Kara as she’s distracted by an incoming wave. “And it isn’t a problem if your face doesn’t get wet.”

“Come on, Lena, live a little!” Kara makes a grab for Lena’s hair to pull it out of its bun, but Lena ducks under her arm and gets away before she can.

They end up getting into a water fight, which ends with both of them getting wiped out by a massive wave that they were too distracted to notice. Lena’s hit so hard that her back hits the sand, and she gets water down her throat and up her nose. It’s awful, and when she stands back up she’s coughing and trying not to gag at the salty taste. Kara looks similarly disheveled, but not quite as bad. She isn’t trying to puke out her lungs, at least.

Lena notices it then, just as Kara reaches up to (rather pointlessly) wipe at her face. Right there, on her cheek, is the print of Lena’s lips, bright red and intact. So, Kara hadn’t been wiping it off when Lena had walked away from her. Lena isn’t sure what that means.

Now, Kara does wipe at it, but not on purpose. It smears across her cheek, leaving a big red shapeless splotch. Lena rolls her eyes fondly, and grabs at Kara’s face so she can wipe it away with her thumb.

“You still had my lipstick on your face,” Lena explains, a little awkward from the way Kara is watching her. Her eyes are intense, too intense for their casual time at the beach. Lena steps away.

They spend about an hour in the water, getting knocked around and splashing and dunking each other. They giggle like little kids all the while, and Lena can’t remember the last time she had so much fun.

Once they’re tired out and drenched, they head back to their towel to, in Lena’s case, relax, and in Kara’s, “to build the raddest sandcastle this beach has ever seen.”

Lena’s lounging on her towel, basking in the feeling of the sun after she’s been stuck inside so long. Her walk to the coffee shop and back the other day wasn’t enough to really give her the fresh air she needed.

“My tan lines are gonna be awful,” Lena mutters, peering down at her swimsuit mournfully.

“Take it off,” Kara suggests, eyes not moving from her sandcastle. It is actually pretty impressive; Kara’s artist hands are unsurprisingly adept at sculpting and that seems to have extended to sand.

“I’m not sure that would be very appreciated,” Lena points out, inclining her head towards the young kids next to them that are glancing over at Kara’s sandcastle every few seconds, eyes wide and mouths open.

“I’d block you from view,” Kara promises. She uses her finger to trace a design in the side of the castle, stone bricks, if Lena had to guess. “And I’m sure that some people would be very appreciative.”

“I don’t want some random men ogling at me,” Lena scoffs.

“Wasn’t talking about the men.” Kara says it very softly, almost under her breath. Lena isn’t sure she was even supposed to hear it, but she did, and she feels herself go very still. Does Kara mean that she wants to see Lena without her swimsuit? The idea puts her heart in her throat, makes her hands start to shake.

Before she can say anything, ask Kara what she meant, the two kids come stumbling over, finally having gained the courage to come see the castle up close. When Lena glances at Kara, her eyes are still focused pointedly on the castle until she notices the kids.

“Hey,” Kara greets in that warm voice she always gets when she talks to kids. She loves kids, even volunteered at a pre-school for a bit last year. Lena likes to joke about it, to say that it’s just because Kara’s a big kid herself, but the truth is, Lena finds it adorable. There’s something about Kara with kids that makes her feel a certain type of way, a way that nothing else has ever made her before. Kara would make a great mother one day, Lena thinks, that yearning aching feeling in her chest ramping up to a ten and, no, we’re not doing that, absolutely not.

“Hi,” the boy says nervously. “Can we see your castle? It looks so cool.”

“Sure!” Kara agrees brightly. She moves over so the kids can get in close, and starts giving them the grand tour. Or, as grand as a tour of a two foot tall sandcastle with no interior can be. The kids are completely enraptured by it, taking in everything that Kara tells them and gazing at the castle like it’s made of gold.

“And this,” Kara finishes, pointing at the two small sand and shell figures standing on the castle balcony, “is where the queens go to look out at their kingdom.”

“Queens?” the girl asks, face scrunched in confusion. “What about the King?”

“These queens decided they didn’t need a king,” Kara tells her, face serious. “They wanted to rule together, and he would’ve just gotten in the way.”

Lena snorts a laugh at her bluntness, and Kara unconsciously reaches out to wack her shoulder.

The girl still looks confused, so the boy speaks up, “But don’t they need one?”

“Absolutely not!” Kara exclaims. She doesn’t seem mad, and Lena knows that if it had been anyone but a child, she would’ve been. Lena would’ve been, too. “These are two women who know what they’re doing. Their people love them! A king wouldn’t have fit in here, not at all. Sometimes women are better off on their own, together.”

At that, the girl nods, and shoves at the boy.

“Yeah,” she agrees. “Girls don’t always need boys.” He shoves her back in response, and the two begin to get in a squabble that has Kara nervously eying the distance between them and her sandcastle.

An elbow knocks at the top of one of her towers, causing the sand of the point to collapse. Kara sucks in a hard breath, then says, “Why don’t you two try to build your own castle? They could be neighboring kingdoms!”

The kids light up, and rush off to get their own supplies. Kara breathes a sigh of relief and works to fix the tower they injured.

“So what are the queens’ names?” Lena questions, more teasing than anything. She loves to hear about Kara’s stories and fantasies, has never met anyone quite as creative as her, but she doesn’t anticipate that Kara would actually have made one for them.

“It’s a secret,” Kara answers absentmindedly. She’s patting delicately at the sand, so gentle and precise that it seems that she isn’t even touching it at all.

“And why is that?” Now Lena is really curious. Kara never holds back on things like this, not with Lena at least. If she won’t tell her, that has to mean something.

“They don’t want anyone to know,” Kara clarifies, like two figurines made from sand actually have an opinion. “To keep themselves safe. When they go out in public, only one of them goes. The whole kingdom thinks there’s only one queen, and she goes by a different name than her own. But everyone in the castle and their closest allies know that there’s two and that they rule together.”

Lena is surprised by how much Kara had thought about this, but then again, she probably shouldn’t be. She’s convinced that Kara’s brain works on a faster speed than everyone else’s and she has such an expansive imagination that these ideas come naturally.

“Why can’t anyone know?” Lena’s voice is soft, like she’s afraid of Kara’s answer. She doesn’t know why.

“Because they love each other,” Kara states simply. Her eyes are fixed firmly away from Lena, like she wouldn’t look her way even if she lit on fire. “And it isn’t right.”

Lena’s breath catches. Something about the way Kara says it, a note of sadness in her voice, as if she knows the feeling all too well, has Lena’s heart beating fast and her mind racing.

“No one would understand,” Kara continues. She pushes hard on a column she was working on, and it falls into a pile of nothing.

“That’s a bit hard hitting for a children’s story,” Lena comments. She can’t think of what else to say. Kara grins, something twisted and bitter.

“S’why I didn’t tell the kids.” Kara presses on the gate she had worked on for about fifteen minutes before, and it breaks. “Fuck.”

Lena can tell Kara is upset. Her shoulders are hunched, her eyes are dull, her lips are down turned, and she refuses to so much as glance in Lena’s direction. Lena isn’t sure if it’s because she’s frustrated by her castle or if it’s something deeper than that, but she has a feeling it’s the latter.

“You know,” Lena muses, “if the queens are so great at ruling their kingdom, perhaps their people will be more accepting of them than they expect.”

“You think?” Kara asks. There’s a bit of a laugh in her voice, and it makes Lena smile.

“It’s a more appropriate ending for kids, at least,” Lena shrugs. This time, Kara manages a full laugh, a short breathy thing that nevertheless has Lena watching her adoringly, even if she’d never admit it.

The two kids come rushing back, and after several failed attempts of their own, Kara has to give up on her own castle to help them build theirs. Lena just watches, enjoying how genuine Kara is with them, the way her eyes don’t seem to have a lingering sadness behind them as she speaks with them.

They stay until the sun begins to set and the air begins to get a chill. They’re both starving, and after they’ve gotten back in the car, Lena stops at a drive thru so they can eat on the hour long ride back home. She normally doesn’t like food in her car, can’t stand the idea of getting crumbs everywhere, but with Kara, it’s different. Kara knows to be careful, Lena doesn’t even have to say anything. And, besides, Lena doesn’t think she could handle the wait, and her eyes are beginning to droop dangerously, too.

Of course, there’s traffic. It is the summer in California, after all. Lena breathes an annoyed sigh as she pulls into a dead stop.

The radio is turned down low, playing something poppy that Lena doesn’t recognize. It says a lot when Kara is too tired to fiddle with the radio. Lena takes a glimpse at her, and is surprised to see that Kara is already looking at her.

“Yeah?” Lena asks, raising an eyebrow. Kara shakes her head, like she’s coming out of a trance.

“Just thinking,” Kara replies. She sounds thoughtful. “Why did you decide to let it go?”

“What?” Lena isn’t quite sure what Kara’s referring to. There are plenty of things Lena has decided to let go of over the years, although not as many as there probably should be. Lena isn’t too big a believer in the forgive and forget mantra.

“About the whole thing at the party,” Kara clarifies, making a sweeping motion with her hand. “You were really upset when I came to your house, and then you just...seemed to change your mind.”

“Oh.” The traffic crawls, and Lena inches forward. “I talked to Jack about it, and he—”

“Who’s Jack?” Kara cuts in, almost rudely. Lena glaces over at her, and her brows are furrowed, but she doesn’t seem confused. Angry, maybe? Lena can’t imagine why.

“A friend,” Lena explains, confused by Kara’s reaction. “He was my lab partner Sophomore year and he helped me out at the party, got me away from this guy that was bothering me. We got to talking, I don’t know. I thought he could give me an unbiased opinion and he gave me his number so I called him. He told me I was being an idiot, and he was right.”

Kara hums in response, but doesn’t say anything for a long moment.

“Well, I’m glad,” she finally settles on. Lena peeks at her again, having noticed the note of sourness in her tone. It’s reflected in the strange glint in her eye. Kara seems to take a steadying breath, then throws on a smile. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Crash and burn, probably,” Lena jokes, and Kara merely shrugs, not even attempting to deny it.

The traffic eventually lets up, and they make it back to Kara’s house just before nine. When they pull up, Kara takes Lena’s wrist in her hand, too loose to be a real grip. She looks at Lena, eyes sleepy and honest.

“You’ll stay, right?” Kara asks. She always gets that desperate lilt to her voice when she asks that, like if Lena says no she’ll just fall apart.

“Of course.” Lena doesn’t even have to consider it. She’s already established lately that she can’t say no to Kara, and certainly not about this.

Lena’s been out of the shower for five minutes, flipping through a comic book on Kara’s night table and waiting for her to finish her own when her phone buzzes. Lena’s heart sinks. She doesn’t even have to look to know it’s going to be Lillian. She can sense it.

It is Lillian. She sucks in a hard breath before she answers.

“Where are you?” Lillian hisses immediately. Lena’s heart pounds. It’s so different from when it does that for Kara.

“Hello, mother,” Lena greets pointedly. Lillian is not in the mood for it.

“Enough. Where are you?” Lillian snaps.

“At home,” Lena answers, hoping this is some sort of a test. This wouldn’t be the first time Lillian had done something like that.

“Don’t bother.” Lillian is really angry now. It definitely isn’t a test. “You have one minute or you’re going to regret it.”

Lena knows what that means. It means getting slapped so hard her head spins and she has a bruise on her face for a week. She needs to play this right if she wants to get out of that.

“I’m at Kara’s,” she tells her, tone neutral, no attitude. She can do this.

“And why are you at Kara’s when you are grounded and I have explicitly told you that I don’t like you being around that girl?”

Lena swallows back the acidic response that was bubbling on her tongue. She hates it when Lillian talks about Kara like that more than anything. Lillian has no reason to dislike her other than that she makes Lena happy, and Lena can’t stand it.

“I just wanted to see her,” Lena mutters, a little more fierce than she planned.

“Well, you saw her. Get home now. We will be speaking more about this when you do.” Lillian hangs up the phone without another word.

Lena is fucked.

She falls back onto Kara’s bed, hiding her face in her hands. She just wanted one good day, just one. Lillian never fails to ruin everything for her. She doesn’t even know how this could have happened. Lillian was supposed to be gone practically the whole night. Of course something would happen to make her go home, see Lena’s car not there and no sign of Lena herself. The universe has never been on her side.

“Hey,” Kara says, jiggling Lena’s foot. “You all right?”

Lena hadn’t even heard her come in. She peeks out at her between her fingers. Kara looks concerned, and Lena puts on a dull smile that doesn’t do much to help.

“Fine,” she murmurs, sitting up and swinging her legs off the bed. “I have to go. Lillian called.”

“Shit.” Kara looks really concerned now and is worrying her lip between her teeth. “You need me to come?”

“No,” Lena replies immediately. The last thing she wants is for Kara to be caught up in Lillian’s wrath. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

Kara nods, but she still looks anxious. She tugs Lena into a hug, tucking her face in Lena’s neck and wrapping her arms around her middle. Kara’s palm is warm and big in the middle of her back, and it calms her, centers her. She thinks she feels Kara press a kiss to her the exposed skin of her shoulder, but it’s too light to really tell.

“Be careful,” Kara whispers as she lets her go.

Lena gives her a tight smile and leaves, dreading each step more than the last. She wishes she could stay in Kara’s bed with her, pull the covers up over their heads and live in their own world, one where Lena doesn’t have to worry about Lillian and Kara doesn’t have any nightmares. A world where everything is perfect and Lena can be in love with Kara and Kara loves her back and it’s all okay.

Lena might cry on the drive home. This can’t be proven. There was no one else there to see it.

Lillian begins to yell before Lena even has the door closed. She grabs her by the arm and jerks her inside, slamming the front door shut with her other hand. Lena yelps before she can stop herself, stumbling once Lillian lets her go. Her arm throbs, and she knows she’s going to have the imprints of Lillian’s fingertips there the next day.

“Can I not trust you for a single day not to be a disrespectful little brat?” Lillian asks. “Or do you need to be treated like a child? Should I hire you a nanny again, Lena? Someone to make sure you won’t step out of line?”

“I’m sorry, I—” Lena starts, but Lillian stops her, clapping her backhanded across the face, hard and unforgiving. Lena gasps, and lifts her hand to block her face from being hit again.

She looks over to Lionel imploringly, who’s standing across the room. He’s as silent as ever, present in no other way than physically, as always. Lena doubts he’d care if Lillian gutted her on the family room floor. She has no one in this house.

“There you go again,” Lillian spits, eyes cold. “You can’t even let me speak without you cutting me off. I didn’t ask for an apology, Lena. I’ve had enough of your apologies. Time and time again we do this, you constantly disrespect me, and then you try to apologize after. I’m not hearing it. You’ve made a fool out of me once again, thinking you could go against this house’s rules just because I’m out. You’re never going to change. If you’re going to act like a child, you’re going to be treated like one.”

She drags Lena up the stairs and into her room. She shoves her onto the bed so that Lena sits, then grabs her empty laundry basket in her hand. She brings it to Lena’s shelves and starts carelessly sliding everything inside, until almost all of her things are in it. She kicks the bag outside of the room and turns to Lena.

“You can come out and have your belongings back once you’ve learned to act your age.” She has something in her hand, and Lena knows that it will stop Lena from being able to unlock her door. “Adults listen to their parents, Lena. Adults don’t refuse to abide by their punishments that they were given because they deserved it. Learn that, and maybe I’ll consider trusting you again before you leave for college.”

Lillian slams the door behind her, locks it up tight. Lena drops her face into her arms and cries. Her face stings.

* * *

Lillian cools down by the next day, as usual, and unlocks the door by just after four. She steps inside, her face softer than usual, but not exactly kind.

She studies Lena, who’s curled up on her bed, still in her clothes from yesterday and face probably a mess from crying all last night and from the bruise Lillian’s hand left. Lillian sits down on her bed, places a hand on Lena’s side. It’s probably supposed to be comforting. It isn’t, but Lena craves the touch so much that she doesn’t care.

“You know that I don’t want to have to punish you like this, don’t you, Lena?” Lillian asks, gentle but firm. “If you would just behave yourself like I ask, I wouldn’t have to.”

“Yes, mother,” Lena murmurs, burying her face into her pillow. It’s true; if she could just be a better daughter, more like Lex, none of this would happen.

A part of her, a part of her that sounds an awful lot like Kara, whispers that maybe Lillian asks too much and gives too little back.

“None of that,” Lillian tsks, hauling Lena up by her arm so that she’s sitting up. “Look at me like the adult you are.”

Lena does. There’s no affection in Lillian’s eyes, not like she has wished there would be, and she wants to look away more than anything. She swallows hard, resists averting her eyes.

Lillian’s eyes flick over to the bruise she left on Lena’s face. She lifts her hand and Lena flinches, but all she does is cup Lena’s face, brush her finger along the mark. It reminds her of how Kara had touched her, but it feels nothing like it. Lena leans into it.

“You’re a handful,” Lillian remarks, eyes focused on where her thumb is stroking Lena’s skin. “But you are my daughter. I love you. You know that, right?”

Lena hates the way her heart sings when Lillian says that, the unconscious smile that pulls onto her lips.

“Yes, mother,” she repeats. “I love you, too.”

It eases some of the roughness of Lillian’s gaze. There’s almost something akin to warmth there for a split second.

“As long as you follow the rules, I wouldn’t have to punish you,” Lillian reminds her. “I’m willing to put this behind us, just this once, as long as you continue going to work with your father. I just want what’s best for you.”

Lena knows that. At the end of the day, Lillian is just looking out for her. She is her mother, she just has a strange way of showing her affection, like Lex always says.

“I will,” Lena promises. She hesitates. “Does this mean I can see my friends on Friday?”

Lillian pauses, eyes turning slightly more shrewd. Lena sucks in a breath, holds it in.

“I suppose,” Lillian concedes, sounding just as reluctant as Lena had been to ask. “You won’t be alone with Kara, will you?”

Lena hates that she asks that, like Kara is some sort of bad influence that will make her do terrible things if they’re alone together. It’s almost enough to make her push Lillian away and tell her to fuck off, but she pushes that aside. Once again, Lillian is just trying to look out for her.

“No,” Lena answers, a bit too harsh. She reigns herself in. “No, a bunch of us will be there.”

“Fine then,” Lillian agrees. “But I want you back by midnight, no later.”

“Thanks, mom.” Lena can’t remember the last time she called her that. It feels unsettling.

Lillian seems to have noticed, too. The light upturn to her lips returns, but nothing more than that. She pats Lena on the cheek (normally Lena would find it patronizing, right now, it’s all she’s ever wanted) and gets up, exiting the room without another word.

Lena spends the rest of the day sorting her belongings back into their proper places. At around seven, her phone rings, and this time, she knows it’s Kara.

“Yeah?” she says, not even bothering with a proper greeting. She lodges the phone between her ear and shoulder so she can keep stacking her books.

“Are you okay?” Kara asks. She sounds frantic. Lena rolls her eyes, but fondly. Kara worries too much about her.

“‘M fine,” Lena answers. She finishes placing her books in perfect alphabetical order, first by author, then title, and grins.

“Are you sure?” Lena can see Kara biting her lip like she’s standing right in front of her. “You didn’t seem so—”

“I’m fine,” Lena insists, biting. She doesn’t like when Kara prods her about this. She’d rather not talk about it at all. “I told you then, and I’m telling you now. Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Kara pauses. “Okay. But you know if you ever need anything...”

“I know,” Lena says, and she does. She loves Kara for it, for knowing that she can count on her, always. She feels herself melt, just slightly. “Thank you, Kara.”

“No problem,” Kara responds immediately. “Really. I...I like to see you happy.”

A surge of love for Kara hits Lena right in the gut. Three words sit on the tip of her tongue, and Lena has to swallow them down. They aren’t for now, or ever, actually. Not the way she means it.

“You make me happy,” Lena admits before she can stop herself. It’s better than a love confession, but not by much.

Kara is silent, but if Lena closes her eyes, she can imagine the warmth in Kara’s eyes and smile, the affection that’s etched on her face. Her heart flutters, even if the image isn’t real.

“You make me happy, too,” Kara says, and Lena can hear the warmth she pictured. “More than you know.”

They say their goodbyes, and Lena takes a moment to flop down on her bed and hold her phone close to her chest. She feels like a teenaged girl in the romantic comedies her and Kara make fun of when they’re high on the weed they steal from Alex’s stash. Jesus. Maybe she is one.

* * *

Lillian does let her go to movie night the next day. Lena goes to work with Lionel, like she promised, and Lillian doesn’t say a word as Lena leaves out the front door.

She’s later than usual, since she had to spend ten minutes perfectly applying makeup to cover the bruising on her face. She knows Kara will have a fit if she notices it, and it isn’t worth the trouble.

When she reaches the basement door, it’s locked. Lena rolls her eyes, and bangs on it.

The door flings open, and Kara is there, eyes shining. She grins wide.

“Lena!” she exclaims, pulling Lena into a tight hug. Too tight, and Lena is having trouble breathing. She leans back, examines Lena like she was expecting her to have lost an arm or something. Her gaze hovers on Lena’s cheek. “Are you wearing makeup?”

Of course Kara would notice. Lena purses her lips.

“Just trying to look my best,” Lena says, pushing past her. “I wear makeup all the time.”

Lena knows that Kara is thinking that she doesn’t usually on movie night, since they sit in the dark and then go to sleep. Lena wishes Kara wouldn’t think too hard about everything.

Lena is happy to see that her spot isn’t taken this time and that Kenny isn’t even here. She takes her seat, glad to be back.

Alex eyes her weirdly, something between animosity and concern. Lena ignores it.

“Hey!” Lucy greets, slapping her foot. “It’s good to finally see you here again.”

“Me too. It’s been awhile,” Lena agrees, nudging Lucy’s shoulder back. She hasn’t seen her since she passed out drunk and probably babbled all her worst secrets to her, but Lucy doesn’t even phased by it. That’s what Lena loves about Lucy; she knows when to stay out of it.

“Yeah, we missed you and Kara talking through the whole movie,” James mutters, and Lena snorts. James hates when people talk during movies, has even been known to throw popcorn at loud talkers in the theater. Lena has had to dodge her fair share of projectiles from him herself. She finds it all a little unfair, considering he spends most of the movies making out with Lucy anyway. Integrity of the movie her ass. He just doesn’t want to be reminded that other people are there when he’s trying to get it on with his girlfriend.

“Ignore him,” Lucy says, whacking James’s chest good-naturedly.

“I don’t mind when you guys talk during the horror movies,” Winn pipes up from where he’s sprawled on the beanbag. “Ruins the ambiance.”

“That’s the problem!” James insists, and this time Kara laughs, plopping herself down on the bed next to Lena, close enough that their knees knock.

“Makes it less scary for me,” Winn shrugs, reaching forward to turn on the TV. The screen flickers and goes bright blue. “I think that’s a good thing.”

James scoffs and launches into his usual argument about why the atmosphere of a movie is incredibly important and talking destroys that, and, therefore, the entire movie. Lena could give the speech herself by now. She turns to Kara.

“What are we watching?” Lena asks, watching Winn grab a VHS she can’t see the title of and feed it into the player.

“Dawn of the Dead,” Kara says, and Lena knows she chose it. Kara loves a good zombie movie, goes on and on about the artistry of the design and that “zombies are cool as fuck.” Lena doesn’t know if she agrees with that, isn’t the biggest fan of gore herself, but any excuse to hide her face in Kara’s shoulder is one she loves to take.

“Okay,” Alex breaks in to the argument that Winn and James are now having. “We all agree that Winn’s a pussy. Can we just put the movie on?”

“I’m not—fuck off,” Winn mumbles, folding his arms and sinking further into his beanbag.

Alex leans across Kara to grab the remote, whispering something in her ear as she does. Kara’s face goes hot, and she says, “Shut up.” Lena raises her eyebrows, curious, but doesn’t ask. Alex smirks at her knowingly, but Lena can’t imagine why.

Alex hits play, and Winn throws a ball at the light switch to turn it off. Lena settles in for the movie, scooting closer to Kara now that no one will see her. Their arms are pressed together, and Lena lets herself rest her temple against Kara’s shoulder, just barely touching.

Lena doesn’t talk much, she just flinches and moves in closer to Kara whenever something gory happens, while Kara and Alex whisper to each other and giggle above her. She isn’t really sure what they’re saying, but she thinks they’re making backstories up for some of the zombies. Normally she’d like to join in, today, she feels safe tucked into Kara’s side, doesn’t want to move.

At some point during the movie, Kara starts running her hand through Lena’s hair, soothing and gentle. Lena isn’t even sure if Kara is doing it on purpose, but she doesn’t care. She leans into it, and it feels right. She’s so comfortable, she’s worried she may fall asleep.

Kara’s hand brushes along her cheek, right against the tender skin of her bruise. Lena yelps, not expecting the burst of pain when she was being lulled to sleep.

“Shit! Ow,” Lena hisses, automatically knocking Kara’s hand away from her face.

Kara whips her head to look at her, and even in the dark she can see Kara eying the hand she has cupped over her face.

Kara grabs the remote from Alex and pauses it. Lena is fucked again.

“Hey!” Winn exclaims, turning around like he hadn’t been cowering behind his hands the whole time. James and Lucy break apart with a distinct popping sound. They probably didn’t realize the movie was off until Winn complained. Alex makes a reach for the remote, and Kara holds it above her head.

“I need to talk to Lena, just really quick,” Kara explains, jumping off the bed and taking Lena with her.

“Kara, can we just—” Lena tries, but Winn flips the light on, and she sees the grave expression on Kara’s face.

“Lena.” Kara’s voice is sharp, unwavering, not how she’d talk to Lena. She must be pissed. Lena swallows hard. She hates it, but at the same time, it stirs something in the pit of her stomach.

“Guys, just...we’ll be back in a minute,” Lena sighs. She lets Kara guide her out of the room, ignoring the curious eyes following them out.

They end up in the downstairs bathroom, locked in the confined space that’s barely big enough for two people. Kara rounds on her, eyes fierce.

“Did she hit you?” Kara demands, her hands are clenching and unclenching, like she’s about to punch something. Lena hasn’t seen her this worked up since Lena got the shit kicked out of her in the girls’ locker room sophomore year. “Lena, did she hit you?”

Lena bites her lip. She doesn’t want to say because if she does then it’s true. She’s never told Kara about Lillian smacking her around before, it isn’t really a big deal and she knew Kara would make it into one. She wishes Kara hadn’t found out.

“Lena?” Kara repeats. Kara braces her hands on the counter, takes a deep breath. “Tell me.”

“Yeah,” Lena admits, refusing to meet her eyes. “She just slapped me, only once. It isn’t a big deal. She apologized.”

“Did she?” Kara asks, and now that Lena considers it, she doesn’t actually remember Lillian doing that. That isn’t important. She shrugs.

“And she’s never done it before now?” Kara prods. She sounds higher pitched than usual, borderline frantic.

Lena doesn’t answer. She can’t lie to Kara, not about this.

“Fuck, Lena,” Kara breathes. “Jesus fucking Christ.” She drops her face in her hands.

When Kara lifts her head, Lena’s surprised to see that she’s crying, tears dripping slow down her cheeks and to her chin. Kara wipes them away roughly.

“Kara, I...” Lena isn’t sure what to say. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter?” Kara says, incredulous. “It doesn’t matter? Of course it fucking matters, Lena! Your mother fucking hit you! That isn’t okay!”

“I know, but...that’s just how it is. I’m used to it.” Lena shrugs.

Kara, decidedly, does not like that answer, because she yells, “Goddammit!” and kicks the wall, hard enough that a tile comes loose and falls, shattering on the floor.

Lena flinches and wraps her arms around herself. She isn’t afraid of Kara, she has no doubt that Kara would never hurt her, not ever. But seeing her this angry makes her feel sick to her stomach.

“Kara...” Lena starts, but Kara shakes her head.

“How would you feel if Eliza did that to me?” she asks, tone controlled like she’s trying to reel herself in.

Lena can’t even comprehend that, can’t even begin to summon the image was what that would look like.

“That would never happen,” Lena points out, which causes Kara to let out a frustrated sound.

“And why is that?”

Lena adverts her eyes. She knows why. She knows.

“Lillian is just different.” She closes her eyes. “She has a different parenting style, that’s all.”

“Lena, are you kidding me? Do you even hear yourself?”

Lena does hear herself. This isn’t how she normally talks about Lillian. But the way Lillian had stroked her cheek, told her she loved her...Lena wants it to be true so bad.

“There’s nothing I can do about it, anyway,” Lena mumbles. “So what does it matter?”

“You can leave!” Kara insists. She reaches out, puts her hand on Lena’s bicep, gentle, so fucking gentle. “You can stay here. Eliza wouldn’t mind, she loves you.”

Lena shakes her head. “No way. Lillian would know where I was and would come get me. She wouldn’t just let me go like that.”

Kara bites her lip, eyes mournful.

“Lena...” Her voice is tentative. Lena steels herself. “I hate to say this, but...I don’t think Lillian would care.”

It feels like Kara just punched her in the gut. Lena wishes she had.

“God,” Lena laughs, bitter and mean. “Fuck you, Kara.”

“Lena, I don’t—“

“No, Kara, you can’t just...” Lena lets out a frustrated sound. “You can’t just say that! Lillian cares about me, in her own way, and...she wouldn’t just let me go.”

“If she really cared about you, she wouldn’t hurt you.”

Emotion boils under Lena’s skin. She can’t hear this, can’t listen to it. Normally she’d agree with Kara, but right now...she can still feel the soft touch of Lillian’s thumb against her cheek as much as she can feel the dull throb of the bruise.

(Downstairs, loud voices filter through the basement. Alex thumps her head against the wall.

“Mom and dad are fighting again,” she groans.

“I thought we were mom and dad,” James says, gesturing between him and Lucy.

“Not on Fridays,” Lucy says, at the same time the voices get louder.

Winn cringes. “Any chance we actually get to finish the movie?”

“Not at this rate,” Alex mutters.

There’s a loud shout and the sound of something breaking. They all jump.

“What are they even fighting about?” Lucy asks. “I mean, we were in the middle of watching a movie, and I thought they made up.”

“New day, new drama,” Alex snipes, rolling her eyes.

“This is why they shouldn’t talk during the movie,” James says under his breath.

“Should we listen?” Winn suggests, darting between everyone in the room, judging their reactions.

There’s a second of silence, then they’re all rushing out the door, pressing their ears to the wall across the hall, where the bathroom is.

“I can’t hear,” Winn whispers, probably too loud. “The walls are too thick.”

“I have an idea.” Alex steps back, downs the last swig from the drink in her hand. She takes the cup and holds it to the wall, putting her ear up to it.

James, Lucy, and Winn lean in close to the cup. It’s a little clearer, but not too much. At least, it’s better entertainment than sitting in a quiet room, staring at the paused movie they could be watching if their friends would just get their shit together.)

There’s a moment of silence between Kara and Lena while they collect themselves. Kara is biting her lip, apologetic and pleading, and Lena is riled up, but she isn’t truly angry. Kara has her best interest in mind, and she can’t hate her for that.

“Lena, I’m sorry,” Kara says eventually. “I didn’t mean to pry or to push you, I just...I just love you. And I want to see you safe. Knowing your mother is hurting you...it kills me. I feel like I...forget it. I hate to see her manipulate you.”

Lena swallows hard. “I know. I know that. And I know you’re right. It’s just hard for me to accept. Sometimes I want to pretend, but...that isn’t good for me.”

“Okay,” Kara agrees. She shifts nervously. “So, forgiven?”

“Of course.” Lena pitches forward, takes Kara into her arms and squeezes her eyes shut tight.

Lena isn’t sure what she’d do without Kara. Would probably just be a mindless slave to Lillian’s wants for her, just do whatever she says so she can get a semblance of the love she’s always wanted. But she doesn’t need Lillian for that, as much as she may crave it. She has Kara, and the rest of her friends. They love her unconditionally, ulike the way Lillian loves her, only when she’s falling in line.

“You don’t even have to be forgiven,” Lena tells her, on second thought. “You’re just trying to help. I’m sorry I got defensive.”

“No.” Kara tightens her hold around her, just a little, rocks them gently. “Don’t apologize. Never apologize for what your mother does to you, that isn’t your fault. I get it, I get it so much. I just want you to be okay.”

Lena might cry from the emotion welling in her, so strong it stings at her eyes and settles in her throat. She loves Kara more than she thought she would ever, could ever, love someone else.

She doesn’t know how she’s going to leave her.

They break their hug, and Lena swipes at her eyes, in a way she hopes is inconspicuous. She’s sure Kara sees, but she makes no comment about it.

Kara opens the door to the bathroom, steps out, and a loud shattering sounds in the hall. Lena peeks her head out, and is both surprised and not to see Alex, Winn, James, and Lucy standing outside, and a broken glass on the ground.

Kara and Lena raise an eyebrow in sync, though they don’t notice they do so. Their friends give them wide eyed stares.

“Um...” Winn tries, clearly guilty. “We were just coming to check on you?”

“Right,” Kara says, a laugh in her voice, while Lena rolls her eyes. Eavesdroppers. “Let’s just get back to the movie.”

Lena watches as Alex sends Kara a questioning glance, a slight incline of her head. Kara gives a subtle nod back. Lena can assume what they’re signaling about.

They do get to finish the movie, Lena cuddled up close to Kara because she can, and right now, needs it. Kara has her arm curled around her, and the steadiness of her breath, the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest under Lena’s ear is soothing. It reminds her that Kara is a real person, a real person that loves her. That Lena is real, too, and she’s capable of being loved, even if not by her mother.

Counting Kara’s breaths and listening to her and Alex’s giggling commentary, Lena doesn’t pay much attention to the movie at all.

* * *

Part of Lillian’s deal for forgiving Lena was that she would attend the Luthor Fourth of July party instead of going to the Danvers’ like she usually does. Now that Lena is standing in front of her mirror, examining the ridiculous patriotic dress Lillian had bought her, she was regretting it even more than she had been earlier.

The Danvers’ Fourth of July party has consistently been one of Lena’s favorite events. Kara’s whole family is there, practically no one related but loving each other all the same, and it’s filled with laughter and fireworks and everyone getting a little tipsy (the adults turning a blind eye to them taking a beer or two, just this once), or a lot tipsy, in the case of Eliza’s sister, who knows how to down a beer quicker than Lena can solve an easy algebra equation.

On the other hand, the Luthors have a “barbecue” which doesn’t feature barbecued food or even a grill at all. Instead, it’s a bunch of Lionel and Lillian’s coworkers and rich associates milling around her backyard and talking about the stock exchange or business deals. There’s nothing fun or familial about it, just clinical and cold like everything else about the Luthors.

Lena sighs and goes to the bathroom to do her makeup, knowing Lillian will want nothing less than her best. She paints on her lipstick and can practically hear Kara’s laughter in her ear as she does.

If Kara were here, she’d inspect Lena’s lipstick collection and announce through giggles, “Lena, you are the only person who has twenty different shades of red lipstick.”

“I like to match,” Lena mumbles aloud, a slight echo in her large, empty bathroom. She misses Kara like a physical ache.

She shoves her feet into her heels and carefully makes her way downstairs. Everything is set up, like expected, and Lillian is examining it all like she’ll be shot if it isn’t perfect. She resists rolling her eyes and forces a smile. It’s going to be a long night, and it’ll go a lot faster if she stays on Lillian’s good side.

Outside, she doesn’t think Lillian has seen her, but she’s only spent a second taking in the decorations before Lillian is speaking to her.

“Lena,” Lillian calls, focused on adjusting a table cloth. “Why don’t you go make yourself useful and help Eve clean inside?”

It isn’t a suggestion, and the subtle dig hurts more than she wants it to. She doesn’t respond, just grits her teeth and goes back in the house, wandering until she finds Eve in the family room vacuuming.

Lena ends up having to dust the already spotless furniture until the guests begin to arrive, promptly at six pm. If Lena thought the dusting was boring, the mingling is worse. Everyone appraises her like a piece of meat, more than a few of them leer at her, compliment her on becoming a beautiful young lady. It makes her want to gag. In turn, Lillian brags about her following in Lex’s footsteps and going to MIT in the fall. It’s like Lena is nothing more than something to show off, like a fucking show pony.

The first chance Lena gets, she slips away to the side of the house, in a dark patch where no one can see her. She opens her handheld purse where she has her smokes and lights up, crossing her fingers that Lillian won’t find her. She needs this cigarette more than she needs air right now.

Lena has her eyes closed, basking in the way the nicotine relaxes her down to the bone, when she hears, “Lena?” whispered from nearby.

Her eyes snap open and she drops the cigarette, which is probably for the best if it is Lillian. She stubs it with her shoe and keeps her foot over it.

“Sorry,” the voice says, and into the shadows steps Andrea Rojas. Lena swallows hard. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Two years ago, a moment like this would’ve meant Lena being pressed against the side of her house, kissed hard and urgent and breaking away every few seconds to catch their breaths and check over their shoulders to make sure no one was there. It would’ve meant a new bruise, this one on her neck, that would need to be covered before Lillian saw, and that Kara would stare at with a pinched brow and downturned lips, but never comment on. It would’ve meant feeling wanted and desired and maybe even a little bit loved. Now, it means nothing but annoyance and a sprinkle of fear.

“What do you want?” Lena questions, harsher than she intends. Andrea winces, and Lena finds herself glad at her ferocity.

“Obviously I knew you were going to be here,” Andrea beings, eyes shooting nervously everywhere but to meet Lena’s own. “And I...well, I thought about it a lot and...”

Lena rolls her eyes. “Why don’t you just get on with it?”

Andrea lets out a hard breath through her nose, almost a laugh. “I guess I deserve your hostility.”

“No shit,” Lena mutters. She wishes she hadn’t dropped her smoke.

“I wanted to apologize,” Andrea finally explains. “The way I treated you...it wasn’t right. But I was scared and...I’m sure you understand why. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Well, you did,” Lena tells her, not totally unkindly. She’s shocked that Andrea is apologizing, a little unnerved, even.

“I know. And that’s why I wanted to apologize. I really did care about you, Lena. More than you know. But it could never have worked between us, you know that. I didn’t want to acknowledge how I felt, and you, well...”

Andrea trails off, but now she’s got Lena’s attention.

“I what?” Lena really has no clue what she could be talking about. Lena had truly liked Andrea, and had had no qualms about their relationship until Andrea had abruptly ended it. Maybe Andrea had seen something that hadn’t been there.

“You were, you know...” Andrea seems reluctant, like she’s afraid of angering Lena. Lena raises an eyebrow. “You had your whole thing with Kara.”

“Kara?” Lena’s voice is incredulous. “I’ve never had a thing with Kara, especially not when we were...together.”

Lena had maybe had a crush on Kara then, perhaps even been in love with her or halfway there, but that isn’t the point.

Andrea huffs, frustrated. “Lena, you said her name when we were together. Multiple times.”

Oh. Well, fuck. Lena doesn’t remember doing that. She knows she used to pretend Andrea was Kara, imagine she was the one pressing close to her and holding her and kissing her. She wasn’t aware that she had actually said her name out loud. A blush floods on her cheeks, so hot she’s afraid her skin will melt.

Before Lena can apologize, Andrea waves her off. “It’s fine. It’s in the past. Didn’t feel so great at the time, but I’m over it.”

Lena bites her lip and nods.

“I just wanted to make amends with you,” Andrea continues. “We were good friends before...everything else that happened between us. And it’s always good to have a friendly face at these awful get togethers. So...?”

“I agree.” Lena smiles, tentative. “These parties are hell. I...missed having you to talk to.”

Andrea’s face breaks out into a large grin, eyes warm. “Me too.”

She wrangles Lena into a hug, and it strikes Lena how different she feels to be held this close to Andrea than it is to be to Kara. Kara clutches her tight, like she’s afraid Lena will disappear from between her arms any second, and it makes Lena feel wanted in the best possible way. When Andrea does this, it’s loose and friendly, and Lena has no desire to further their relationship. It proves to Lena how gone on Kara she really is.

When they break apart, Andrea hooks her arm in Lena’s and they go back into the fray, falling back into giggling and joking about all the stuck up business people like they had never stopped.

It isn’t long before Lillian finds them, an upturned twist to her lips when she notices who Lena is with.

“Lena, come,” Lillian commands, motioning Lena towards her. Lena feels like a fucking dog, but does as she’s told. “There’s someone I want you to greet.”

Lena has to control the urge to gag at the thought of more superficial conversation, but goes along dutifully anyway.

“I’m glad to see you spending time with Andrea,” Lillian comments. “She’s a good influence for you.”

The underlying message is that Kara is not, which continues to be the most absurd belief Lena has ever heard. She keeps her mouth shut.

When they get to where Lillian has been leading her, Lena’s heart drops. Standing in neatly pressed suits are Morgan Edge and his father. Lena resists her impulse to turn around and get as far away from him as she possibly can, especially when he catches sight of her and offers a wicked sort of smirk.

“Lena, I’m sure you know Morgan,” Lillian says, gesturing towards him. “And this is his father.”

Lena clenches her jaw. “Yes, we’ve met.” Edge raises an eyebrow at her. She ignores him.

“Mr. Edge and I were just speaking of how lovely it is that you two went to school together,” Lillian remarks, her fake brightness grating. “It’s a shame you two hadn’t been closer. We think it would be nice if you were to get to know each other better. Maybe spend some time alone?”

It dawns on Lena what this is. Lillian is trying to set her up with _Morgan Edge_. The boy that Lillian is aware had loved to put her down and sexually harassed her in high school. Who when Lena had told her that she’d been given detention for kicking him in the balls for it, Lillian had had something akin to proudness spark in her eye, the first time Lena had ever had that directed towards her. And now...

“Mother, could I have a moment with you?” Lena grits out.

Lillian gives her an annoyed look, but gives Mr. Edge a fond eye roll as if to say _kids, right?_ She allows Lena to guide her off to the side, where no one will hear them if they speak in hushed tones.

“Are you trying to make me date the boy who tried to assault me?” Lena hisses. This is the final straw. She’s so pissed she’s about to burst.

Lillian rolls her eyes. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing. And that was a while ago, anyway. I’m certain he’s grown up and would be nothing but respectful. His family has a great reputation.”

So that’s what this is about. Lillian wants Lena to date Edge to save the fucking Luthor reputation that’s been down the toilet ever since it came out about Lionel’s bastard daughter from his love affair with a waitress. The blame for that has always fallen on Lena for existing and not on Lionel for being the dirty cheat that he is. Of course she would be expected to save their reputation, too, by marrying in good. She really is nothing but a fucking toy to Lillian.

“Fuck you,” Lena spits, and promptly turns away, stepping out of her shoes and taking off in a run before Lillian can even register what has happened.

She’s down three blocks, unconsciously going towards the Danvers’ house, the groves and pebbles of the cement sidewalk digging into the soles of her feet when it sinks in to herself. She lets out a hysterical giggle. Part of her is dreading what will come from this, the other larger part of her doesn’t care, feels a sort of freedom she hasn’t felt her whole life.

When she gets to the Danvers’ she can hear the commotion in their yard from down the block. It’s loud and bright, and so unlike the quiet professionalism of her family’s. She pulls the latch over their gate and lets herself into the backyard.

She scans the yard for Kara, and spots her playing with her younger cousin, Clark. It always warms her to see them together; Kara loves Clark practically like he’s her own kid, and he adores her back.

Lena heads over to them, appreciating the softness of the grass after walking ten minutes on the gritty sidewalk. Kara is focused on lifting Clark up in the air and spinning in circles so he can feel like he’s flying. Lena watches, grinning softly.

Kara catches sight of her out of the corner of her eye and has to stop herself from dropping Clark. She sets him down and rushes over, barreling into Lena and wrapping her arms around her.

“You came!” Kara squeals, right in her ear. Lena would wince if she weren’t smiling so big.

When Kara lets go, Lena turns to Clark, who’s studying them more curiously than a nine year old should be able to.

“Hey, Superman,” she greets, lifting her hand for a high-five. He gives her a toothy grin and slaps her hand.

It’s a reference to the comic Kara has been making for him for years, starting when he’d had to get glasses a few years back and hated them. After Kara turned his glasses into the cover for his superhero alter ego, Clark never complained about them again.

“So, I thought you weren’t coming,” Kara says, pulling Lena’s attention back towards her. “What happened?”

Lena waves her off. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later.”

Kara bites her lip, and Lena figures that Kara has put together that it isn’t exactly a good thing. She leaves it alone though, which Lena appreciates, returning back to her huge smile.

“Nice dress,” Kara teases, eyebrows raised and eyes glinting.

Lena groans. “Shut up.”

“And matching lipstick, too!” Kara giggles, and Lena can’t resist reaching over to smack her, though Kara catches her wrist before she can.

“Let’s get you a drink,” Kara suggests, still giggling and tugging to lead her to the cooler that her Uncle J’onn, a friend of Alex’s father who had remained close with the Danvers even after he died, is perched by, talking to Clark’s father, Jonathan.

J’onn is the type of cool uncle that brings the fireworks and will slip you a third drink even though he knows you’ve reached your limit of two. He gives Lena an easy smile when he sees her and hands her a beer without question.

They stay and chat for a while, Clark getting swung up onto his father’s shoulders and giggling adorably. Kara starts gushing about how excited she is for college, and Lena practically downs her beer to cover up the melancholy that stirs in her chest.

Lena is glad that Kara is looking forward to going to college. She wishes that she were, too. But she doesn’t know if she’s more jealous of the fact that Kara actually wants to go to her college or that Kara doesn’t spend half of her days thinking about how much she’ll miss Lena the way Lena does about her.

At just past nine, J’onn slips off to get the fireworks, and Kara ushers Lena off to the secluded part of the yard where they’ll have the best view of the fireworks. Usually, they help out setting them off with Alex and Clark (who mostly watches, Jonathan hovering nervously behind him) and some of Kara’s other relatives and family friends, but this year Kara says she wants to be able to really take them in. Lena agrees immediately. She would love a few minutes away from the chaos that’s been her night.

“God, I could use a smoke,” Lena mumbles, patting around for her purse. She realizes she must have left it at her house and groans. There’s no way Lillian won’t come across it and search through it. Just another reason for her to be furious with Lena piled atop all the rest.

“What?” Kara asks, lighting up her own cigarette. She breathes out a puff of smoke as she speaks, and Lena watches longingly, both for the smoke and the wetness of her lips.

“Left my cigarettes at home,” Lena explains. She can hear the whine in her own voice.

Without a second thought, Kara digs her pack back out and shakes it to get one out. Nothing.

“Shit,” Kara mutters. She gives Lena an apologetic glance. “Sorry, I’m out.”

“‘S fine,” Lena says, even though it really isn’t. If she thought she had needed a smoke earlier, now that what happened is really settling into her bones she needs it beyond belief.

Kara purses her lips a second, then offers, “We could share?”

Kara takes a deep drag from the cigarette, and Lena expects her to pass it over to her. She doesn’t. Instead, she lifts her hand that isn’t occupied and cups Lena’s jaw, guiding her face forward until their noses are almost touching. Lena’s eyes are wide and her heart is thumping and her hands are sweating and, oh god, is Kara going to kiss her? Kara presses her thumb into the bolt of Lena’s jaw and she automatically drops her mouth open a little.

Kara moves in even closer, and Lena can hear how quick her breath is, can feel her heartbeat in the tips of her fingers and the pit of her stomach. She’s never felt this way before. Her chest is aching and bright and she has to choke back the whimper that’s trying to make it’s way out of her throat. Lena thinks, _holy fuck this is it_.

Then Kara stops, just short of their lips touching, parts her own lips, and blows out, the smoke Kara had inhaled before exhaling into Lena’s lungs. Lena is so shocked that she almost chokes, barely catches herself before she does. Kara leans back immediately, but watches with heavy lidded eyes as Lena breathes out the smoke she gave her.

“You good?” Kara asks, rougher than normal, some sort of emotion swirling behind the words.

“Yeah,” Lena croaks. Then in a burst of bravery, “Do it again?”

Kara grins, but there isn’t her usual brightness in her eyes. There’s something else, something deep and dark and intense and thrilling. Lena shivers, even though it’s well into the high eighties tonight.

Kara does it again, taking in the smoke and pitching forward to release it into Lena’s mouth. This time, their lips brush just barely, for hardly even a second, but it’s enough that it sends sparks through Lena’s whole body, burns a fire in her fucking soul it feels like. When she breathes in Kara’s smoke, it’s like she’s breathing in Kara herself. Like Kara is breathing life into her, giving her the air she needs to breathe and stay alive. It’s so intimate...so everything. It’s more than Lena’s ever felt before.

Kara doesn’t pull back all the way this time, just enough that their eyes can meet. Kara’s still got that look in her eye, and Lena swallows hard. She can’t stop her gaze from flicking down to Kara’s lips, and when she forces them back up, she’s surprised to see Kara’s set on hers. Her stomach stirs. She’s on fucking fire.

Lena thinks, fuck it. After one more month she may never see Kara again, what would it really matter if Kara were to reject her right now if Lena were to kiss her? At least Lena would have known the feeling one time, tasted Kara’s watermelon chapstick and felt how it made her lips slick and soft against her own, felt the brush of Kara’s breath against her cheek. She needs it more than anything, thinks she might die if she doesn’t feel it.

Lena inclines her head so that their noses brush, nearly nuzzling hers against Kara’s. Kara’s eyes are still open, though barely, studying her, and her body is incredibly still. Lena closes her eyes, angles her chin, and...

The loud pop of the first firework of the night has Lena jerking back, her heart virtually beating out of her chest from the shock of it. Kara giggles, loud and borderline hysterical next to her, and Lena finds herself joining in.

“Forgot how loud they are,” Kara says once her giggles die down a little. “Scared the fuck out of me.”

Lena exhales hard. She knows the moment is broken and that she may never get one like it again. She peeks over at Kara, who’s observing the fireworks with a cheery grin and awe filled eyes.

Another burst goes off, and Kara’s smile somehow gets wider with it.

“They’re beautiful,” she remarks. The colors bounce across Kara’s skin as they light the dark sky. “I love them.”

Lena hasn’t looked at the fireworks once, but she has memorized how Kara looks at them, looks under them.

“Me too,” Lena whispers.

The sound is lost in the fireworks, but Kara’s eyes soften like she’d heard it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m thinking that the next chapter will be slightly shorter (hopefully, but i’m usually wrong) which means that i will probably have it out in about the same amount of time it took me to do this one or maybe even less. i’ll try to get it done as fast as i can, but considering how long these chapters are it takes a bit of time. i’ll be aiming for mid november, but we’ll see what i can do. 
> 
> (also- fun fact: this entire fic was basically inspired by the bit where they're driving to the beach and lena realized she's in love with kara. i thought of that and decided to write a 100k word fic around it instead of like. a 2k word one shot because i'm out of my mind i guess!)
> 
> let me know what you think! x


	3. or until my heart explodes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am SO sorry that this took so long and that it's shorter than the previous chapters. this was originally going to be a lot longer but i decided to split the chapter in two so that i'd be able to get it out faster. it's been two months and i'm only halfway through what i planned so i didn't want to keep anyone waiting any longer. i got swamped by midterms and then catching up on work and then writing like 4 super long essays and had like four separate bouts of burn out. i actually have a ton of work i'm supposed to be doing right now but i decided i would finally finish this chapter instead. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy!

### 49 Days Until

Something is different between them now. Lena isn’t sure exactly what it is, but it’s there. It’s definitely there. 

When they had gone to bed that night, there had been a sort of tension between the two of them that had never been there before, not when getting in bed together. As much as Lena is in love with Kara, has been for years, probably, them sharing a bed had never been anything more than platonic to her. It was just something they did, it was a way to comfort Kara and also indulge herself in being closer to her. 

But that night...Lena had almost felt awkward as her and Kara tucked themselves into Kara’s small bed. It was as if they were both purposely making sure not to touch, like if they did a carefully crafted glass panel between them would shatter and...Lena doesn’t know what would happen then, but she’s equal parts terrified and longing to find out. 

The next morning, Kara is shaking her awake at just past nine and exclaiming, “It’s time to get breakfast!” way too cheerfully for this early in the morning. Lena groans and buries her face in the pillow. 

“C’mon, Lena,” Kara coaxes, running her hand along the expanse of Lena’s back. It’s like Kara’s hand is burning through her clothing, and that’s enough to jolt her further awake. 

“Fuck, fine,” Lena grumbles, sitting up. Kara’s hand slips off of her, and Lena immediately misses it. She runs a hand through her hair and swipes at her eyes. “How do I look?”

Kara laughs. “Beautiful, as always.” She reaches out, runs her fingertips along Lena’s jaw delicately, like she’s made of porcelain. “Seriously. You’re perfect.” She drops her hand, lets it fall back to her side. 

Heat erupts in Lena’s chest, moves up to her face and warms the tips of her ears. There’s no way Kara won’t notice the heavy blush she’s sporting, and Lena kind of wants to die, both from the sincerity of Kara’s words and the embarrassing obviousness of how it affected her.

“Shut up,” Lena mumbles, pushing off the bed and opening Kara’s closet so she can take a look at herself in the mirror on the inside of the door. She huffs. “Fuck you, Kara, I look like shit.” 

Kara laughs and comes up behind her, curling her arms around her waist and tugging Lena back a little so they’re completely pressed against each other. It’s like when she did it at the beach, but not, because this is alone in Kara’s room, intimate where no one can see them. And Lena has a perfect view of them together in the mirror and her heart warms to see just how good they look together, like they were made for it. 

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Kara says. She’s practically nuzzling her face in Lena’s hair. Lena’s afraid she may start shaking. “Trust me, you’re perfect.”

Lena somehow manages to scoff. “I absolutely am not. I look like I just rolled out of bed and then couldn’t be bothered to try to make myself presentable.”

Kara’s body shakes when she laughs, and Lena’s body moves with her. 

“And you’re still a knockout,” Kara promises, her breath ghosting along the side of Lena’s face. “I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl in the diner.”

Lena rolls her eyes. “As fucking if.” 

“Lena, I’d bet my whole life’s savings on it.” She says it all solemn, like it’s the most important thing she’s ever said. Lena snorts. 

“Great,” she agrees. “Two whole fucking dollars. You’re really all in on that bet.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” Kara insists, and Lena just rolls her eyes again, reaches out to close the closet door. 

Before Lena can move away from her, Kara turns her around so that their eyes meet. That tension settles between them again, charging the air like static. Lena swallows hard. 

“Lena, I mean it.” Kara’s eyes are serious, missing the playful glint they usually have. It makes the sadness in them that Lena has never been able to fully understand shine brighter. “You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.”

Lena drops her gaze. “You haven’t seen a lot of girls, then.” It’s light, joking, trying to dispel the tension. 

“Hey,” Kara says, lifting Lena’s chin and forcing their eyes to meet. “I’ve seen a lot of girls, trust me. None of them compare to you.”

“Shut up,” Lena mumbles, playfully batting at Kara’s shoulder. Kara catches her at the wrist and tugs, making Lena come a step closer. She lets go of her wrist, but slides her hand up and tangles their fingers together. Lena loves the way they fit, like they were made to hold hands with only each other. 

“Lena...” Kara murmurs, and the way she says her name sounds like so much more. Not like her name at all, almost like she’s talking about love. 

Kara moves her hand from Lena’s face, brushing along her body until her arm curls around Lena’s waist so that their bodies press together. Lena feels like she’s on fire, like she’s about to fall to ash after being consumed by the heat of Kara’s body. 

Lena watches with wide eyes as Kara nudges the tip of her nose along Lena’s cheek, her own eyes shut, like she’s basking in the moment. 

“Lena,” Kara whispers again, and Lena can’t help herself. She angles her chin towards Kara, so that their lips would touch if only one of them would take the leap and press forward, finally. Lena wants Kara to do it. She wants to know for sure that Kara wants her like she does. Every bone in Lena’s body aches with how much she wants it. Her eyes slip closed. 

“Hey!” There’s a pounding on the door. Alex. “You have two minutes before I leave without you!”

Kara and Lena jump apart, sheepish and awkward. 

“Um, we better get going,” Lena says, turning towards the door and swallowing hard. Her face is bright red, and the last thing she wants is for Kara to see how affected she is. 

She hears Kara shuffling behind her, and she isn’t sure what that means. She releases a hard breath, almost sounds annoyed, and Lena doesn’t know what that means, either. 

“Right,” Kara agrees, heading out the door, quick. 

Lena throws on some clothes as fast as she can, no time to actually brush her fucking hair, thanks again, Alex, and catches up in just enough time to see Kara shove Alex hard enough that she sways with it. They’re bickering, low, Alex amused and Kara not. 

“—making this very hard for me, you know. I told you because I thought you would understand, but I think you’re fucking with me on purpose, which isn’t cool, Alex, I—” Kara cuts herself off, lips pursing so hard they turn white. 

Lena assesses the two of them, eyebrows raised. Alex gives her an innocent smile, eyes probably big and wide behind her giant sunglasses. Kara keeps her gaze fixed on Alex, expression not changing. 

Alex opens her mouth to say something, but Kara shoves her again. Alex laughs, loud. 

“Didn’t you say we had to go?” Kara grumbles, making Alex laugh harder. “God, fuck off.”

Kara stomps over to the car, Alex behind her, still chuckling. Lena watches, no idea what is going on between them, but just shakes her head and gets in. She knows better than to attempt to get between them. 

The car ride is quiet, Kara sulking in shotgun while Alex drives, a small smirk never leaving her face. Lena takes the time to enjoy the silence, to let herself think about the way Kara had held her, had whispered to her sweetly. 

When they pull up to the diner, Winn, James, and Lucy are waiting outside. 

“You’re late!” Lucy calls to them, but she’s grinning. 

“Not my fault,” Alex defends, eying Kara. “Kara’s been practicing her Shakespearean monologues to try out at the local theater.”

“Oh, fuck off!” Kara snaps, launching herself at Alex, who throws up her hands in defense. Lena checks warily down the street to make sure no one will see them. 

“Okay, okay,” James admonishes, prying the two of them apart. 

Kara crosses her arms and sticks her tongue out at Alex. Alex gives her a smug look, which makes Kara jerk like she’s going to attack her again. Lena grabs her around the bicep, gripping hard and feeling how it flexes. _Fuck,_ Kara is strong. Lena would certainly not be able to hold her back if Kara really wanted to go for it. 

But Kara notices Lena holding her and seems to melt. She untenses, and only gives Alex one last dirty look before relenting. 

Once they’re sure Kara and Alex aren’t going to brawl in front of all the patrons, they enter the diner and settle in their usual booth in the back, the U-shaped one they can all fit in. Kara and Lena end up on opposite sides at the ends, Kara next to Alex and Lena next to Winn. Lena doesn’t mind. Every now and again their ankles knock together, and Kara’s lips twitch like she’s fighting a smile. 

The waitress, Mandy, hands each of them a menu and greets them with a smile. She knows them well, well enough that she knows their drink orders by heart. 

After she’s left to put them in, there’s silence while they flip through their options. Then—

Alex slams her hand down on the table, a five dollar bill landing in the center. 

“Five dollars to whoever will finally eat the liver on toast.”

Winn groans. “We want to actually eat our breakfast, Alex.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Get two things then, idiot. You can pay for it with the bet money.”

“I’ll go in on it,” James agrees, throwing down a few bills. Alex gives him a satisfied grin. 

“Guys,” Winn whines. 

Well, Lena can’t help herself now. 

“Ten dollars if you finish the whole thing,” she says, placing her bills on top of the others. 

Winn glares at her. “You know I don’t have any spare money to put in on this.”

Lena holds back a snort. Yeah, she does know. And if only one person doesn’t put in they have to take the bet if no one else takes it. Winn should know better than to not bring extra cash. 

“I’m in with Lena!” Lucy says, dropping a five on top of the money pile. 

Winn slumps in the booth and drops his head against the back of it, looking up towards the ceiling or, perhaps, the heavens. 

All eyes turn to Kara, who has been suspiciously quiet. That usually means she’s thinking about taking it, and from her expression, Lena would bet she’s calculating how many cigarettes she could buy with that money. 

“I’ll do it,” Kara finally announces, grinning as everyone whoops in excitement. Winn’s face is covered in obvious relief. 

“Thank fuck, Kara,” he says, dropping his face in his hands. “I still haven’t recovered from the rancid clam chowder in Lucy’s fridge. Definitely not worth thirty bucks.”

“Hey,” Lucy says, nudging him with her elbow. “That whatever-the-fuck you bought with the money was pretty sweet though, wasn’t it?”

“It was a radio co—never mind,” Winn sighs. Lena holds back a snicker. He’s long since given up explaining any tech stuff to anyone who isn’t her. “And I could’ve waited another two weeks to get it if it didn’t mean my guts trying to claw their way out of my throat for two days.”

“I thought it was three,” James muses, and Winn groans. 

“God, you’re right. I blocked the second day entirely from my memory because it was so awful. Thanks for bringing it up again.”

“No problem, man,” James says, leaning past Lucy to knock his fist against Winn’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Kara suddenly pipes up. “While Winn has his crisis, I’m gonna go for a smoke. Alex, order me my five star meal, please?” 

“You got it,” Alex agrees at the same time Kara raises her eyebrows at Lena, an obvious invitation to come with. Lena takes it. 

“I’m gonna go, too,” Lena says, not very subtle in her haste since she knocks her hip into the table and the whole thing shakes. She tries to ignore her own uncharacteristic clumsiness. “I’m just getting my usual.” 

Alex puts a hand over her mouth, and despite how casual she tries to make it, it’s obvious that she’s trying to hide a laugh. The others don’t seem to notice anything off, so at least Lena has that. 

Lena meets Kara out back, who’s already leaning against the wall and lighting up. She looks so fucking good, with her baggy ripped jeans and baseball cap and worn Joan Jett shirt and cigarette between her lips. When she sees Lena, she smiles, a sort of glint in her eye, and offers Lena her pack, shaking it a little. 

Lena takes an offered cigarette, and places it between her lips, holding out her hand for Kara’s lighter. Kara shakes her head. 

“Out of fluid,” Kara tells her, blowing smoke out the side of her mouth. She still has that glint, and Lena wonders if she may be lying. 

She doesn’t get the chance to question it. Kara leans forward until the cherry of her cigarette touches Lena’s. Their eyes are locked, and there’s something so intimate about it, that it makes Lena’s hands shake. She would be glad that she isn’t actually holding her cigarette and that it’s tight between her lips were her brain still able to process anything beyond the beautiful blue of Kara’s eyes and the emotion behind them that makes Lena want to cry, even though she has no name for it. 

Kara steps away, and Lena almost chokes on the first puff of smoke she gets from sucking in hard. 

They smoke in silence for a few moments, enjoying the warm weather and the early morning air. Even if things are different between them, whatever that difference may be, Lena could never be truly uncomfortable when she’s with Kara. 

“You gonna tell me what happened last night?” Kara asks casually, graze directed up at the sky. 

“Is now really the time for that?” Lena bites out. She doesn’t want to talk about it now. In fact, she doesn’t want to talk about it ever. 

“As good a time as any,” Kara says, shrugging. Her eyes flick towards Lena, then back upwards. “I don’t want to upset you. I just care about you, Lena. I want to help you.”

“You can’t help me,” Lena says, sad and honest. “I told you, Kara. You can’t save everyone. You aren’t the fucking superhero you wish you were.”

“I don’t...” Kara lets out a frustrated sigh. “You aren’t a damsel in distress to me. I want to help you because you’re my best friend. Even if that means just comforting you when Lillian does something shitty. You’re allowed to let people love you, Lena, even if you don’t think you deserve it.”

That hits hard, like a punch right to the gut. Lena lets it settle, smokes till she’s sure she can speak without her voice breaking. 

“She tried to set me up with Edge,” Lena spits, not angry with Kara, but at the memory, at her mother. “She didn’t even care about what he did to me. She told me I was overreacting.”

Kara swears under her breath, closes her eyes like she needs to reign herself in. The hand that isn’t poised by her mouth to hold her cigarette is clenched in a fist. 

“You were right,” Lena continues on bitterly. “Lillian doesn’t give a shit about me. She tried to pawn me off to some asshole just to put a shine on the Luthor reputation. I’m fucking—shit, I’m fucking nothing to her.”

“Lena,” Kara says, all soft like she did back at her house. She pulls Lena into a tight hug, and Lena drops her cigarette on the ground so she can hug her back properly, tuck her face into Kara’s neck where she’s safe from the whole world. Kara runs a hand up and down her spine, soothing like words can’t even describe. 

“I know it hurts,” Kara murmurs, right in her ear, her breath tickling the shell of it. “And I know that it doesn’t make up for it, nothing ever really can, but...you know you always have me. And I’ll try to love you enough for me and you and your mother and everyone else on the planet who doesn’t appreciate you nearly as much as they should because you deserve it. You deserve everything, Lena. God, I’d give anything to give it to you.”

“Give what?” Lena asks, muffled by Kara’s skin. Kara’s words are sending tingles up her whole body, settling in her chest like the sparklers Alex waved around last night. 

“Everything. Anything. Fuck. The whole fucking world. Anything you want.”

In the moment, it’s so simple. Everything Lena wants is right here, is Kara. 

She pulls out of Kara’s embrace, just enough so that their eyes meet. Kara’s are intense and mournful but filled with so much love that Lena might just believe that Kara could love her enough for a thousand people on her own. 

Lena glides her hand up to Kara’s neck, curls her hand there, her fingers tangling in the strands of her hair, and tugs her down. 

A snort sounds just before their lips meet, and both of them whip their heads to the side to see two boys, maybe a little older than them, leaning against the side of the building next door. 

“Do you see those two dykes?” the one says, nudging the other who’s grinning around a smoke. To them, “Go ahead and kiss, we’d love to watch.”

“What did you just say?” Kara asks, low and dangerous, and it makes something hot simmer in her belly at the same time as she automatically tightens her grip to stop her from starting anything. 

“I said, why don’t you kiss for us?” the guy repeats with a nasty smirk. 

Lena grabs at Kara’s arm, knowing it’ll only take one more word to set her off. She needs to keep her grounded. 

“If I were you,” Lena says calmly, “I’d take the opportunity to walk away.”

“Oh yeah?” Amusement twinkles in the boy’s eyes. “You think I’m afraid of a couple of dykes? All you need is to be set straight, and I would love to teach y—”

Before he can finish, Kara is out of Lena’s hands and darting forward and belting him right in the nose. There’s a sickening crunch and he crumbles to the ground, clutching at his face. His friend jumps, gaze jumping between Kara and the other boy, eyes wide in shock and probably fear. 

“I think you’re the one who needs to be set straight,” Kara says, righteous and furious and so fucking hot. “Need another lesson?”

Both boys shake their heads at the same time, and the one still intact grabs at his friend’s arm and practically drags him out of the alley. Kara watches them leave, only relaxing once they’re out of sight, then shakes out her hand. 

“Holy shit, Kara,” Lena breathes, staring at her in wonder. 

Kara just shrugs noncommittally, like her breaking a guy’s nose is no big deal, just a regular Wednesday, nothing to see here. 

“Kara,” Lena repeats because, seriously, she can’t believe what she just saw. Her brain is completely stalled up, unable to process it. 

Lena lets out a breathy laugh once it finally computes. “Maybe you are a superhero.”

Kara grins then, letting out a laugh of her own. She moves close enough to Lena to reach out and give her a playful shove with her injured hand. Lena grabs it, examines the broken, bleeding skin of her knuckles, her heart swelling. 

“My hero,” Lena whispers, almost unconsciously. She lifts Kara’s hand, presses her lips to where Kara is hurt. Kara’s blood stains her lip, but it may as well be her own. 

Kara lets out a small noise, something almost like a whimper. Lena assumes she’s hurting her, drops her hand. 

“We should go back inside,” Lena suggests, not meeting Kara’s eyes. She’s afraid of what she’ll find, worried that she’s shown her cards too much. 

When they get back, the food is already there, and everyone turns towards Kara expectedly. Kara rolls her eyes good-naturedly, but picks up her knife and fork immediately. Lena isn’t sure that’s how you’re supposed to eat liver on toast, but she wouldn’t exactly call herself an expert on the subject. 

“What happened to your hand?” James asks before Kara can take her first bite. 

Alex immediately reaches out and catches her hand, making Kara drop her fork. It causes a loud clatter as it hits the plate, and Kara flinches. Alex examines her knuckles, shaking her head. 

“What the hell did you do? I thought you were just smoking!” Alex looks up at Lena, eyes narrowed. Lena isn’t sure if it’s because she’s trying to check to see if Kara punched her or if she thinks it’s Lena’s fault. Maybe both. 

“Had to defend Lena’s honor,” Kara explains, giving Lena a cheeky smile that doesn’t at all make Lena want to smile back. Instead, she kicks Kara under the table, more of a tap of her shoe against Kara’s shin than anything else. 

“Against who?” Lucy asks, intrigued. 

“The mafia,” Kara says. She hooks her ankle around Lena’s, but her expression remains neutral. Lena doesn’t know how she does that—just casually touches Lena like it doesn’t do anything to her at all. “It was five on one but I managed to take them all down.”

“Just like you’re going to take down that liver,” Lena mutters, gesturing to her plate with her chin. 

Kara swings their intertwined feet just slightly, then brushes the tip of her sneaker up along Lena’s calf and back down. 

“As if you could take down the mafia alone,” Winn scoffs. “How many bullets did you dodge?”

“Seventeen,” Kara deadpans. “Also, I discovered that I’m bulletproof. Very helpful against the mafia.”

Lena kicks Kara with her free foot, this time hard. Kara lets out a little yelp and glares at her. 

“Not kick proof though, it seems,” Lena quips. She bumps the side of her foot into Kara’s calf, a silent apology that Kara seems to accept from the way she twines that leg around Lena’s, too, so they’re completely tangled up. 

“See if I save you from the mafia again,” Kara whines, sticking her tongue out at Lena who flips her off in return. 

“You’d miss me too much to let them take me,” Lena laughs, ignoring the way her whole body feels hot from the way Kara has started running one of her feet up and down Lena’s exposed leg. Even though it’s the canvas of her shoe and not her skin that touches Lena, it’s still so fucking good because it’s Kara. 

“True,” Kara hums, eyes bright. “Who else would steal my cigarettes and look way cooler smoking next to me?”

A small smile grows on Lena’s face as she realizes it’s a callback to what she said to Kara last month on their last day of school. It’s a reminder of just how much Kara does pay attention, like she said she did. Lena has to wonder if Kara does this with anyone else, or if Lena is a special case. She hopes that she is. 

Lena realizes that their friends have been listening to their banter in silence, which isn’t exactly usual. She peeks over at them and almost giggles at their various bemused expressions. Alex has her eyebrows raised, Lucy’s are furrowed, James has his deep thinking face on, and Winn’s eyes are darting between the two of them like he’s watching an intense tennis match but doesn’t actually know the rules of the game. 

“Just eat your fucking toast, Kara,” Lena orders, suppressing a smile. 

“As you wish,” Kara agrees smoothly, not bothering to hide hers. 

She uses her knife and fork to cut a bite sized portion that includes everything her meal has to offer. She stabs it with her fork and lifts it, not hesitating before she puts it in her mouth. 

They watch in excitement while Kara chews, a thoughtful expression on her face. It seems as though she’s really trying to take in the flavor, and Lena almost rolls her eyes at the dramatics of it. 

“It’s disgusting,” Kara reports cheerfully. “Absolutely awful.” She cuts herself another bite. 

“What’s it taste like?” James asks curiously, eying the food like it’s going to try to eat him. 

Kara studies her dish thoughtfully. “Iron-y.” She lifts her fork towards James, wiggling it. “Want a bite?”

“Fuck no,” he laughs, leaning towards Lucy like he’s trying to get as far away from it as possible. 

Kara does manage to eat the whole thing, dropping her utensils on the dish once she’s polished it off. She grabs the money from the center of the table, smug. 

“Totally worth it,” Kara sing songs, counting her earnings. “So much better than Winn’s clam chowder.”

“I didn’t choose to eat it!” Winn argues, like always. “You guys made me!”

“Semantics,” Kara hums, waving him off. 

Kara ends up eating off of Lena’s plate, stealing half of her eggs and a piece of toast. She makes a grab for Lena’s hash browns, but Lena knocks her fork away. There are limits to how much she loves Kara, and sharing hash browns is one of them. 

“So, what did happen to your hand?” Lucy eventually asks, once they’re all almost done eating. 

Kara shifts in her seat, considering. It ties their legs tighter together. 

“Just some guy being a dick.” Kara shrugs. “I may have broken his nose.”

“May have?” Winn squeaks. The sentiment seems to be reflected on everyone else’s faces, too. 

“Well, I’m not a doctor,” Kara says. “I can’t say for sure.”

“Jesus Christ,” Lucy laughs. “What did he do to you?”

Lena rubs her leg along Kara’s, attempting to offer her some comfort, even if the friction of Kara’s jeans against her skin is rough. She can tell that Kara doesn’t want to relive what happened outside, definitely doesn’t want to talk about it. From the small smile that forms on Kara’s lips, it works at least a little. 

“Like I said, he was being a dick,” is all Kara reveals, giving another shrug. The others drop it, but from the way Alex is studying Kara, it won’t be the end of it from her. 

They finish their breakfasts, and Lena insists on footing the bill, since she loves nothing more than spending her father’s money on her friends who he doesn’t approve of. That, and everyone else is pretty much broke, and she doesn’t want them wasting their money when she can pay. 

They head out, all agreeing to meet up back at the Danvers’ later that night once Alex tells them that she’s scored some weed. James has to go to work at his father’s photography business that he’s been helping out at since he was twelve, and Winn has his internship to get to. Lucy, however, hooks her arms in Alex and Lena’s and happily announces that she’ll be tagging along back home with them. 

“You girls better not gossip about us,” James says good-naturedly grinning when Lucy sticks her tongue out. 

“Just for that we’re only talking about your dick,” she jokes, and Lena screws her face up because, ew, she did not sign up for that. 

“Vetoed,” she says, which Kara and Alex immediately echo. Lucy lets out her loud, endearing laugh. 

“You guys are no fun,” she giggles. 

“Besides,” Alex begins, grin mischievous. “I think we have a lot more to say about Winn.”

“What?” Winn splutters, looking way more nervous than he should. “What do you have to say about me?”

“You know,” Alex teases, then winks. Lena can practically hear the alarm bells going off in Winn’s head and has to hold back a laugh. 

James rolls his eyes with a grin, tugging Winn by his collar as he attempts to protest calling, “We’ll see you guys later!” over his shoulder, as Winn’s face gets increasingly more flushed. 

“He’s so easy,” Alex snorts, and they pile into Kara’s car. 

Girl talk ends up being Lucy spilling all of the recent gossip from their high school—“You will not believe how many girls are fucking pregnant! It’s like we just won the super bowl or something!”—and giggling about their unfortunate lives like their friend group isn’t full of the lamest people in Midvale. 

It’s somewhere around Lucy detailing how some jock boy Lena doesn’t think she’d ever met apparently proposed to his girlfriend and got rejected that Lena notices the blood still caking Kara’s knuckles. 

Lena tuts under her breath and grabs Kara, pulling her up from where she’s sitting on the floor. It amazes her how easily she does it. Kara is solid muscle and Lena isn’t exactly strong, but Kara seems to go completely pliant the second Lena tugs. Something about that warms her. 

Kara doesn’t ask where they’re going, just lets Lena guide her out of the room and says something to Alex over her shoulder that Lena doesn’t bother listening to. 

When they get to the bathroom, Lena pushes Kara against the bathroom counter, and Kara lifts a questioning eyebrow at her, eyes dancing and lip between her teeth. Lena presses her thumbs against Kara’s hips—her hip bones are sharp, fuck—attempting to encourage her to get on the counter. Kara just stares at her, expression unchanged. 

Lena rolls her eyes, but feels her face begin to heat up dangerously. She seriously needs to get her blushing under control. 

“Hop up,” she mumbles, patting Kara’s hip again just because she can. Kara finally gets the message, wordlessly doing as she was told, but still watching her curiously. “You need a bandage on your hand.”

Lena grabs a washcloth from under the sink and runs it under some hot water. She takes Kara’s hand and delicately swipes at her bloody knuckles. She can feel Kara’s eyes boring into her, but she refuses to meet them, staying fixed on her hand. 

Lena loves Kara’s hands. They’re probably her favorite part of her; the way they touch her, feel against her own skin, there’s nothing quite like it. Kara’s hands are rough and calloused from softball, her nails bitten down short, her fingers long and thin, and her knuckles are always scabbed from one thing or another. Lena seriously suspects that Kara might go around punching walls to alleviate some sort of emotion, but Lena’s never seen her do it nor has Kara ever mentioned it (not that she’d willingly offer the information or Lena would actually ask). When Lena holds Kara’s hand like this, Lena’s callouses from her guitar rub against Kara’s and it feels real. It feels so real. 

“You can’t go around punching people,” Lena admonishes quietly. Something about the air of the room tells her that if she speaks any louder, something between them will break. “You’re gonna get yourself seriously hurt someday.”

“Then you’ll just have to be my nurse,” Kara responds, casual but not at the same time. “We can get you one of those sexy nurse costumes at Halloween this year. I’m sure you could pull it off.”

“I’m being serious,” Lena says, pressing down a little too hard on Kara’s bloodiest knuckle. Kara hisses through her teeth as she sucks in a breath. “One day you’ll find someone that isn’t afraid to fight back.”

“And who says I can’t take them?” Kara teases, eying Lena when she drops her hand and starts rummaging through the medicine cabinet instead. “I’m pretty great with my hands.”

Lena ignores the thrill that goes down her spine at the implication of that. Kara probably didn’t mean it like that, doesn’t realize what Lena’s mind would go to. 

Lena lifts Kara’s hands again, starts wrapping it up tight. 

“No matter how good your hands are, they can only take you so far.”

Kara shrugs, just as Lena finishes it up. She pats the gauze, satisfied with her work. 

“Hopefully that will stop you from getting into any fights for a few days at least,” Lena mutters, putting the first aid supplies back where she found them. 

“No way,” Kara laughs. “This is perfect for a fight. Now it looks like I’m all set for a boxing ring.” Kara puts her hands in a boxing pose, dons a playfully serious expression. “No one on the streets would dare to fight a professional.”

Lena rolls her eyes, but can’t stop the smile that spreads on her face. “What am I going to do with you?”

“Kiss me?” Kara suggests, voice low enough that Lena would think she hadn’t heard it right if it weren’t from the glint that she has in her eye when Lena’s head snaps towards her. 

“What?” Lena breathes, her heart going a hundred miles per hour all of a sudden. She’s seriously worried she may throw up from how her stomach is turning, which would seriously be the most embarrassing thing ever and she’d have to run away and get a new identity to even consider getting over it. 

Kara licks her lips, and Lena can’t stop her gaze from dropping, following the movement. Kara swallows hard after, Lena watches the way her throat bobs with it, then plasters on a smile and reaches out her hand. 

“My injury,” Kara clarifies, and Lena blinks at her, still stuck on the fact that Kara just asked her to _kiss her_. “You have to kiss it or it won’t get better.”

It still takes Lena almost a whole minute to process Kara’s explanation, and then her heart drops somewhere near her left kidney, disappointment flooding through her. Of course Kara doesn’t want to actually kiss her. Why would she? Even if Kara did like girls—which she doesn’t—she’d never want Lena, not like that. Lena tries not to let herself seem as crestfallen as she is. 

“Right,” Lena agrees, voice damningly monotone. She accepts Kara’s hand, presses a light kiss to the bandage. It’s nothing like kissing her actual skin, feeling Kara’s blood soak into her lip like it belongs in Lena’s body as much as it does Kara’s. “Better?”

“Much,” Kara says, jumping down from the counter, forcing Lena to drop her hand. “You make a great nurse.”

Lena takes the opportunity to change the subject and runs with it, wanting to forget how Kara could never feel the same as her. 

“I refuse to wear the outfit,” she says, leaving the room. Kara follows behind her, calling her a spoil sport, and just like that, the awkwardness fades like it had never been there. 

They find Alex and Lucy in the kitchen, helping Eliza cook dinner. Kara and Lena join, though Kara certainly isn’t much help at all. Lena’s pretty sure she’s never met worse cooks than Kara and Alex—Alex doesn’t have the patience to follow a recipe or directions in general and Kara could probably burn water by staring at it too hard. Alex is always regulated to chopping duty (she’s great with a knife, at least) and Kara to pouring things and stirring since she (usually) can’t mess those up. 

“Shut up,” Kara groans when Lena teases her, bringing up the time Kara had somehow managed to burn raw chicken for fajitas in the span of the five minutes from when Eliza handed her the spoon to stir and when she reentered the room to Kara’s guilty face and unsalvageable meat. “I was just trying to make it cook faster!”

Lena giggles, and Kara’s face screws up at the sound. She sticks her leg out to kick at Lena, but Lena only backs out of her hit zone. Kara tries to edge in closer, but almost upends the pot of sauce she’s been put on duty of, causing it to clack against the pot next to it and Kara to gasp and rush to steady it. 

“Kara,” Eliza warns, giving her a look. Kara chews her lip, guilty. 

“Lena started it,” she grumbles eventually, throwing Lena a dirty glance. 

Lena gives her a smug one in response when Eliza asks her and Lucy to come over and help her and help her make some pasta. 

“Oh come on!” Kara complains, voice whiney. On anyone else, Lena would find it annoying, but on Kara...it’s really fucking cute, especially since her lip pooches out in a pout. “You’re rich, you shouldn’t even know how to cook!”

Lena just shrugs. Kara’s probably right, but Lena has spent enough time grounded and relegated to her house over the years that boredom has found her helping Eve—and their previous hired help—in the kitchen. She’s learned a lot over the years, even as her parents told her it was unbecoming of her to be in the kitchen. Cooking is soothing; it’s following step by step instructions of what to do—no space to wonder, no space to have to figure out anything for yourself. Everything is laid out and decided for you, a nice break from the uncertainty of every other aspect of her life. 

Dinner is a homemade pasta dish that is so good Lena thinks she could eat it every day for a year. It’s so much better than the food she has at home, all clinical and fancy and no true substance. It’s one of the many reasons why the Danvers’ feels so much more like a home than her house does. 

James arrives just as they finish up dinner and Winn when James is finishing up the dish Eliza insisted he have. After they’ve all had their fill, they hurry down to the basement. 

Alex starts rolling the joint, since she’s the only one of them, aside from maybe Lucy, who’s any good at it. Kara rolls the worst blunts known to man—they’re always lumpy as shit and she’s banned from even suggesting she does it now. That’s why she’s practically climbing through the stuffed closet to find board games for them to play. Lena pointedly does not look her way, since the only part of Kara that’s still visible is her ass. 

(Perhaps Lena gives her a few sideways glances, busy to make sure Kara hasn’t been swallowed by the mess. That’s the only reason, of course.)

Kara comes back with a stack of them, setting them down on the coffee table. The boxes are all worse for wear from being about a million years old and well used. 

“Are you sure it’s a good idea for us to play Scrabble when we’re high?” Lucy asks, giving the pile a wary look. 

Kara shrugs. “We’ll probably still know how to spell.”

Lena isn’t so sure about that, but she won’t be the one to ruin Kara’s fun, not when Kara is practically bouncing where she’s seated on the floor next to her. 

Alex finishes the joint and puts it between her lips, lighting up and taking a big hit. She grins lazily after, then offers it up to James, who declines on the account of having work early tomorrow and because weed always gives him a headache. Lena thinks it’s more because he enjoys watching the rest of them get high than he does being high himself. Lucy reaches past him so she can get a hit, while Kara begins setting up their first game of Scrabble. 

By her second hit, Lena is feeling pleasantly high, relaxing more than she has in a while. She’s pliant and loose and doesn’t give a shit about MIT and it’s amazing. All she cares about is the way Kara’s knee is pressing into hers, hard and warm, and whether she’s going to pull a T out of the bag so she can get “anatomy” on the board with a triple letter bonus. She could play Scrabble with her eyes closed, let alone high. 

Kara, on the other hand, has not had such good luck. She’s spelled three words in a row wrong, and keeps having to do shitty unplanned words instead. Lena can see the frustration drawing in her brow as she gnaws at her lip. 

Lena wordlessly hands Kara the blunt. She’s gonna need it. 

Lena wins Scrabble, as usual, but Kara doesn’t seem to care about being dead last anymore. Weed makes Kara all giggly and sweet, so she probably couldn’t even care if she wanted to. 

They decide on Monopoly next, since this is the perfect chance for them to play it without anyone (mostly Alex) getting pissed when they’re losing. Lena eyes the joint still between Kara’s fingers while Winn and Alex set up the board and James laughs at Lucy’s high flirting attempts. 

“Want?” Kara asks, holding out the joint towards her when she notices Lena looking. Her eyes are glazed and her grin is heavy. 

Lena hums. She looks between it and Kara’s bitten, slick lips (she’s wearing her watermelon chapstick again, fuck) and Lena kind of wants to suck on Kara’s lips more than she does on the joint. Or, she really does, actually. Why the hell has she never kissed Kara before?

“Lena?” Kara says, shaking her hand with the joint a little, encouraging her to take it. 

“Can you...” Lena swallows hard. “Like you did yesterday?” 

Kara blinks at her. “Yesterday?”

“With the cigarette,” Lena clarifies. “When we shared.”

Kara blinks at her again, then her mouth spreads into a smile and she lets out this adorable high pitched giggle. 

“Yeah...” Kara breathes, her mind clearly wondering off somewhere else, Lena hopes back to last night when they practically kissed. She doesn’t say anything else, and Lena lightly backhands her knee. 

“Kara,” she prods, trying to get her attention again. She wants to kiss Kara so bad she thinks she may fucking die. 

“Hmm?” Kara turns to meet her gaze, but it’s clear she’s still spaced out. Lena pokes her in the thigh, hard, and Kara blinks like twenty times. “Yeah?”

“Can we share?” Lena asks again. “Like yesterday?”

“But the weed is for everyone?” Kara says, though it sounds like more of a question, and Lena lets out an annoyed breath through her nose. 

“No like,” Lena lets out another breath, grasping for the words. “When you blew in my mouth.”

Kara lets out a snort and then a serious of loud giggles after that, her head falling back on the cushions of the couch behind her and her legs kicking out, like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard in her life. 

“What?” Alex pipes up, curious, and that’s never a good thing. “What is it?”

“Lena said I blew in her mouth!” Kara gasps out, covering her mouth with her hands to stop anymore hysterical giggles from coming out, though it doesn’t do much of a good job. 

Alex doesn’t laugh, just watches her very seriously. “Did you?”

Kara stops laughing abruptly to think hard. “I don’t think so?” Then laughs again.

“Kara,” Lena whines, tugging hard on her shirt to get her attention. “I mean the smoke.”

“Smoke?” Kara repeats, blank. Then her eyes light up. “The smoke!” She dissolves into more laughter. 

Just when Lena resigns herself to having to get her fill of weed the regular way and not through Kara’s lips, Kara says, “okay” and takes a big hit from the almost burnt out joint. 

Kara reaches behind her when she’s done, and Alex automatically plucks the joint from her hand, putting it back between her own lips. Kara cups Lena’s jaw in her hand like she did yesterday, taps her fingertips against the bolt of Lena’s jaw. She tugs her forward until their noses bump, a little too hard, and Kara uses her thumb to part Lena’s lips. She puckers her own, tilts her head just so that their lips graze and Lena can feel that fucking chapstick, all soft and slick, and blows out into Lena’s mouth. 

When it gets in Lena’s lungs and she holds it there, it gives her a bigger high than she could ever get from anything else. 

“Are they making out?” Lena hears from her right, Winn. Alex makes a disgusted sound. “I didn’t know Kara was gay? Is that why she rejected me in freshman year?”

Kara jerks back like Lena tased her, suddenly seeming very sober as she glares over Lena’s shoulder. 

“No,” Kara bites out, and Lena’s heart drops. She releases the smoke like she’s deflating. She got her hopes again, fuck. “It was because I thought you were gay and fucking with me.”

Winn makes an affronted noise as everyone else laughs. Lena tries to put on a smile, but it’s hard when she’s been reminded once again that Kara will never love her. 

Lena’s dramatics only last about ten minutes, until the weed and Monopoly make her forget her plight, at least for now. 

Throughout the game, Kara keeps glancing at Lena and then giggling before turning away again. By the time she’s done it at least ten times, Lena is wondering if Kara’s chapstick had smudged on her funny or something. 

Kara does it again when her turn is over, and this time Lena says, slightly snappish, “What?”

“What?” Kara says back, eyes wide and owlish. 

“You keep laughing at me.” Kara just stares at her. “You just did it a second ago.”

“Oh.” Kara giggles again. “Sorry.”

“Well, what is it?” 

Kara sighs and leans her head back against the couch, rolling her neck so that she can meet Lena’s gaze. 

“It’s just...” She runs her eyes over Lena’s whole body. “I can’t help it.”

Lena thinks that may hurt if her brain wasn’t so foggy. Instead she just asks, “Why?”

Kara hums thoughtfully. “Sometimes when I look at you it’s like...it’s like there’s something bubbling in me and it makes me laugh.” She watches Lena, earnest. “Does it feel like that for you?”

Lena shakes her head, but Kara doesn’t react to it at all, just tracks the movement. 

“It hurts,” Lena tells her, low. She’s high, enough to reveal this to Kara, but not enough that she isn’t aware that their friends are all right here. “In my chest. It hurts so bad.”

Kara’s lips downturn, her brow creases. “I’m hurting you?”

Lena shakes her head again. “No. It’s a good pain. The best pain.”

Kara still doesn’t seem pleased with that. “I don’t want it to hurt, though.” She reaches over, brushes the hair off of Lena’s cheek. The pads of her fingers burn her, leaving tingles behind like the skin is raw. “I never want to hurt you.”

Lena doesn’t get the chance to respond. 

“Lena, it’s your turn,” Winn says from next to her. Lena rolls her eyes. James and Lucy have skipped their last four turns each to make out, and no one’s said anything to them. 

Lena mutters a, “Whatever,” under her breath and rolls the dice. She gets an uneventful five and lands on free parking. Thank god she didn’t miss her turn. 

It’s Kara’s turn next, and when Lena hands her the dice their fingers brush. Lena’s breath hitches with it, like she hasn’t touched Kara a million times before. But it’s different, so different. She isn’t sure why. Maybe the weed. 

Kara throws down the die, but not to roll it. “I’m bankrupt,” she declares, as if she doesn’t have two monopolies and is about to run both Lena and Winn out of town. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Alex laughs, incredulous. Even her eyes look less pot glazed from the shock. Kara has never quit a game of monopoly, or of anything, for that matter. 

“Alex, you can have my assets,” Kara says, ignoring Alex completely. She slides all of her cards and cash over the Alex. “And Lena’s.” 

“Excuse me?” Lena says because she doesn’t remember going bankrupt on her last turn. Fuck, maybe she didn’t land on free parking? Perhaps she should have been paying attention. 

“I performed a heist when I went bankrupt and stole all your stuff,” Kara explains, and Lena nods because, okay. “So now we’re both bankrupt.”

Winn makes an annoyed sound. Alex owns half the board now, and Winn is no match for her with only the pink monopoly, a railroad, and two hundred bucks. 

Lena’s mind is too muddled to wonder why Kara has finally decided to let go of her competitive streak. Instead she just says, “It’s getting late, anyway.” 

Lena doesn’t actually know what time it is, but she knows that will set Winn off. He jerks his head towards her at that, eyes flicking nervously. 

“How late?” 

James and Lucy part with a loud pop that Lena steadfastly ignores. Lucy is grinning lazily, her lips red as James asks, “Is Winn about to lose it?”

“It’s just past midnight,” Alex answers Winn, a smile starting to pull at her lips. 

“Oh, fuck,” Winn panics. “Oh, fuck. You’re right. We should turn out the lights, fuck.”

Kara snorts and gracefully stands up, grabbing Lena’s hand and pulling her with her to go upstairs before while everyone is distracted by Winn. He has a weird thing about being afraid of having the lights on at night when he’s high that Lena has never been able to fully understand. Last time, it had something to do with getting robbed, and he did not appreciate it when Lena had pointed out that they’d be more likely to get robbed with the lights off than on. She’s a lot more interested in Kara than figuring out what’s plaguing Winn this time. 

Kara guides Lena up to her room, giggling like a schoolgirl the whole time. It’s infectious, and Lena finds herself giggling, too, even though she doesn’t know what it’s about. 

When they get into Kara’s room, Kara closes the door behind them and locks it, which she doesn’t usually do, as far as Lena is aware. She throws Lena this strange grin and backs her up until she’s landing on the bed and Kara is crawling on top of her and putting her face in her neck. The bed jiggles underneath them from the force of their high pitched laughter. 

Lena runs a hand in Kara’s hair and fists her hand in it so that she can lift Kara’s head. When their eyes meet, she looks kind of spacey and her grin is dopey. Lena wants to kiss her. 

“Why‘d you want to leave?” Lena asks instead, once she remembers that was what she was going to say. 

“Mm,” Kara responds, gazing at Lena. “Wanted to be alone with you.”

“Why?” There’s a gnawing feeling in Lena’s stomach. She sincerely hopes that it’s from the combination of weed and alcohol running through her body. 

“I like to be alone with you,” Kara tells her. She drops her head back into the crook of Lena’s neck once Lena’s grip slackens. “Feel like I’m gonna explode.”

“Probably the weed,” Lena comforts, patting Kara’s head. 

Kara shakes her head. “No. You.”

“Me?” This would be easier if Kara didn’t always speak in riddles and just said what she meant. Especially when Lena’s high and probably couldn’t even do simple multiplication. 

“Like I said before.” Kara nuzzles her nose against Lena, lets out a little huff of breath that is warm on her neck. “The bubbles. When they pop I think I’m gonna explode.”

Lena has no idea what she’s talking about. She recalls Kara bringing up something about bubbles before, but the memory is too cloudy for her to fully bring up. 

“Do you think I’d be pretty?” Kara asks before Lena can figure out what she means. “If I exploded?”

Lena considers that. “You’d probably be all sparkly and shiny inside. And colorful. Like a glittery rainbow. So, yeah.”

Kara is silent for a long moment, so long that Lena wonders if she fell asleep. 

“I don’t think so,” Kara finally says. She rolls off of Lena, like she can’t bear to touch her in the moment, but Lena’s eyes follow her like she’s a beacon. “I think I’d be really ugly. Like all gory and shit. Awful.”

How could Kara even say that? She’s the best person Lena’s ever met, the only person that Lena is completely sure she’s ever really loved. 

“Kara.” Lena tries to steady her voice, make herself sound serious. “I don’t think there’s any part of you that’s ugly.”

Kara turns so that she’s facing the wall. Her back is rigid, tense. 

“That’s ‘cause you don’t know me,” Kara says, low. “Not as well as you think you do.”

Lena stares at the ceiling, swallowing back hurt. What could she even say to that?

“I don’t want you to,” Kara clarifies, peeking over her shoulder as if to check to see if that has softened the blow. It hasn’t. “‘Cause if you did, then you’d never love me.”

Lena laughs before she can stop herself, and Kara rolls back fully so that she can give Lena a hurt look. 

“Kara,” Lena laughs, not happily. “I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you could do that could make me stop loving you. It’s like...” She takes a breath. “It’s like a part of me. And I don’t want to lose it, not ever.”

A smile spreads on Kara’s face, slow. Her eyes are melancholy still, but Lena decides to pull her in so that she doesn’t have to see it. 

“I don’t want to lose you, either,” Kara whispers, her lips brushing Lena’s jaw as she speaks, the ghost of a kiss. “That’s why I can’t tell you things.”

“You don’t have to hide from me, Kara,” Lena insists. She presses a kiss to Kara’s hair because she can and prays that Kara didn’t notice. 

Kara doesn’t respond. She curls and arm around Lena’s waist and crushes herself up to her until their bodies are perfectly aligned. Lena pets her hair and hopes that Kara believes her. 

Lena closes her eyes. Tomorrow, she’ll have to go home and face Lillian. Tonight, she’s going to hold Kara and pretend that she has everything she could ever want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so hopefully now that my semester is ending i will be able to get out the next chapter soon since it will be a little shorter. i'm thinking that i'm going to be separating the rest of the chapters into two parts as well just so that i won't have so much pressure to write them extremely fast. i hope that won't be a problem! i want to make sure i'm giving you all my best work and that i can actually finish this and i think that'll be the best way to do this. 
> 
> let me know what you all thought! xx


	4. something i can’t know till now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t really have much of an excuse for how long this took aside from just. adhd. i am really sorry though. 
> 
> but perhaps it’s fitting that i post this one on valentine’s day 😇

### 48 Days Until

Lena had pushed off heading home for as long as she could. Lillian may not care much for her, but she wasn’t going to just let Lena out of her control. If she tried to stay any longer, Lillian would have a search party sent out for her, or worse, she’d show up at the Danvers house herself and make a scene.

Her goodbye with Kara had been slightly awkward. That tension had firmly settled between them, and had swelled as they considered how to say goodbye. One wrong move and the tension could twist itself into something else entirely. But Lena longed to kiss Kara, to just lean over and fucking do it, so that when she’s inevitably locked away in her room for the next two months, she won’t have to lie in bed all day wondering if Kara’s lips would be as soft as they look to be against her own, if she would be able to taste that watermelon chapstick if she were to suck Kara’s lip into her mouth or run her tongue along it. She would know. She could replay it in her mind until the memory is etched into the folds of her brain.

(And, if she’s grounded, she could put off dealing with the consequences, too.)

But she doesn’t. As much as she wants to do it, she doesn’t have the guts. Instead, she lets Kara take her into a hug and savors what she can get. How Kara’s body presses into hers, a little hard from how muscular she is, but soft in exactly the right places, like she was made just to fit Lena comfortably against her.

When they break apart, Kara stuffs her hands in her pockets and rocks slightly on her heels, tells her, “good luck,” with this strange sort of smile on her face. Lena’s fingers twitch.

Lena gets home after a needlessly meandering walk wherein she ignored her impending doom and attempted to parse out what Kara’s smile could have meant. No one is there, aside from Eve bustling around in the kitchen. She pokes her head out to see who’s at the door, and gives Lena an almost pitying look when she sees it’s her. That certainly does not bode well.

Lena figures her entire room has been packed in boxes and shipped out to god knows where. She wouldn’t be surprised if Lillian had sent it all to the dump.

But when Lena opens her bedroom door, it’s exactly as she left it. She blinks once, hard, wondering if she’s just imagined it. If her internal please for them to not be gone have actually warped her vision or caused her to hallucinate. It hasn’t. Everything is really still there—her books, her guitar, her clothes.

As good as that appears to be, Lena is terrified. Taking Lena’s belongings and caging her in her room has always been the worst of Lillian’s punishments, aside from a few slaps in the face and withholding meals. Maybe Lillian just wanted her here to watch it happen? There’s no way she’s getting out unscathed, especially with Eve’s reaction to seeing her home.

Lillian won’t be back until six if she’s at work, which gives Lena way too much time to consider what she’ll do to her when she returns. After stewing in it for an hour, Lena wonders if this might just be punishment.

The front door opens, bringing with it high heeled footsteps and the threat of Lillian’s voice around two hours after Lena returned. There’s a second voice that she doesn’t recognize, a woman’s voice, and it has Lena hoping it means that Lillian won’t be on her until after she leaves.

She’s not so lucky. It’s not even two minutes later that Lillian is opening her door (without knocking, Lena might add) and saying stiffly, “Lena it is so wonderful that you’re home. I thought you might be, so I brought someone to meet you.”

Great. If Lena hadn’t heard that it was a woman already, she’d be betting on another introduction to Morgan Edge. At the very least, Lena can count on this not being another set up.

Lillian pushes her way into Lena’s room, gesturing for their guest to follow, barely even leaving Lena the chance to sit up. Lena raises her eyebrows when she does. This is certainly not a woman she’s seen before, and she doesn’t seem to be the type of woman Lillian would normally keep the company of, with her clearly inexpensive clothing and plainly chopped haircut.

“Lena,” Lillian begins, meeting Lena’s eyes, her mouth tipped up in the slightest smirk, “This is your nanny, Helen.”

The woman, Helen, has just finished plastering on a fake smile and started forming the word, “hello” when Lena yells, “My what?!”

“Your nanny,” Lillian repeats, like this isn’t the most insane thing Lena has ever heard. “If you insist on acting like a child, then you’re going to be treated like one. So I’ve hired you a nanny to watch you and make sure that you’re properly following the rules of this house.”

Lena might explode. Surely this is it, her breaking point. There’s no way she’ll contain the rage bubbling in her gut, and she’s going to splatter all over the walls and Lillian and Mary fucking Poppins.

“I’m seventeen,” Lena points out through gritted teeth. “I’ll be eighteen in a few months. You can’t hire me a fu—a nanny.”

“If you acted your age, you wouldn’t need one,” Lillian responds tonelessly. “You need to understand that there are consequences for not behaving. You’ve gotten away with too much over the years, and being soft on you has allowed you to cause far too many problems. If you’re going to be on your own at college, you will need to be a well rounded young adult, and I fear that you never will be. Helen is going to make sure that you will.”

Lena has to close her eyes to contain herself. She’s gotten away with too much? The echos of pain from slaps to her cheek certainly beg to differ, as well as the ever climbing amount of hours she’s spent grounded in her room.

“And as I’m sure you can imagine, you’re grounded until you head off to college.” Lillian smiles, patronizing. “It will give you plenty of time to get to know Helen and to learn from her. By the end of the summer, I think you’ll be grateful for this.”

As fucking if, Lena does not say, but fuck if she doesn’t want to. Lillian offers her one last smug nod, knowing Lena can’t do shit about this, and leaves the room so that it’s just her and Helen.

There’s a moment of silence as they both assess each other. Lena tries not to automatically hate her, given that she’s essentially her prison guard, but the judgmental stare she’s receiving makes that rather hard.

“Well,” Lena begins, reluctant, “I suppose—”

“Listen to me, you little brat,” Helen snaps, and Lena jerks back from the surprise of it. “I’m only here to get my foot in the door to a job at LuthorCorp, and I’ll be damned if you ruin this for me. So you’re going to behave yourself, or I’m going to have to make you.”

Lena blinks at her.

“Do you got that?” Helen asks, snapping her fingers.

Lena blinks again. Fuck. “I don’t think killing me would get you a job at LuthorCorp.”

Helen snorts. “As if the Luthors wouldn’t love to have their problem bastard kid off their hands. You’re a PR nightmare for them, you know.”

Lena does know. She knows all too well, and it isn’t something she loves being shoved in her face, either.

“Mrs. Luthor told me to take as drastic measures as needed to as far as punishment goes.” Helen examines Lena in a way that makes her feel a lot smaller than she has in a while. “So, no, I’m obviously not going to kill you. But hurt you? Well, if I have to...”

If Kara were here, Lena might be brave enough to tell her to fuck off, to tell her that she doesn’t get to hurt her and that no one else does either. If Kara were here, she probably would’ve turned Helen’s face inside out for threatening Lena in the first place. Lena wishes Kara were here. She always does. But she isn’t.

“I get it,” Lena grits out. “I’ll be good.”

Helen puts on a satisfied grin that doesn’t match the steel of her eyes. Lena is going to see a lot of that look over the next week and a half.

* * *

At first, Lena had been desperately hoping that this was an elaborate joke Lillian was pulling, deciding to try out non-biting humor for the first time in her life. It became apparent at seven in the morning the next day that that certainly was not the case.

Lena is woken up by a way too loud knocking on her door that persists even as Lena tugs her pillow over her head and tries to wait it out. After three good minutes of attempting to ignore it, Lena pries open the door to see Helen, perfectly dressed and ready for the day, small notebook and pen in hand. Lena might kill her.

“You have ten minutes to get ready,” Helen states, no room for argument. She doesn’t make a move to leave either, just watching Lena intently.

Lena barely holds in the curses she wants to throw at her. She could get off with voluntary manslaughter right? Heat of passion and all that? A few years of prison would surely be worth it...

She grabs her clothes in a huff and pushes past Helen to get to the bathroom for a shower. She tries to ignore the sound of Helen following behind her, but turns when she reaches the door.

“Are you coming in the shower with me?” she snaps. Helen doesn’t reply, just gestures with her chin for Lena to go inside. For some reason, it makes Lena even angrier.

She spends her entire shower wondering if Helen is standing just outside the door. The idea of it makes Lena rub her skin raw as she washes. She’s half tempted to find some way to drown herself with just the shower head if only to get Helen charged with neglect or something, but after running through her options, she’s pretty sure she has no way of doing it. When she gets out, her skin is pink and a little sore.

Helen is in the hall when Lena steps out, but she can’t be sure that she was there the whole time. Helen gives her an appraising look, then holds out a blazer.

Lena doesn’t take it. “What’s that?”

Helen rolls her eyes. Lena’s jaw twitches. “A blazer.” As if Lena didn’t know that, thanks, Helen! “You’re supposed to look professional when you go to work. Time to grow up.”

Lena’s going to burst. It’s fucking July in California, she doesn’t need a blazer to be professional. She’s already got a nice blouse and dress pants on, not to mention the god awful heels Lillian bought her. She doesn’t need a blazer, too. None of the three women Lena has managed to uncover at Luthorcorp wear one.

“It’s ninety-seven degrees out,” Lena deadpans. Helen keeps holding out the jacket. “I’m not wearing that.”

“Yes, you are or I’ll be telling your mother that you refuse to behave like a real adult.”

Lena snatches the jacket out of her hand and tugs it on. Helen smiles indulgently. Lena isn’t going to last through today, let alone a month.

Two hours later, and they’re sitting in on what has to be the most boring business meeting that Lena has ever had the displeasure to attend. She hates this. She hates it so much it makes her teeth hurt from how she grinds them. It’s monotonous. Boring. Dull. Lifeless. She’s spent the past half hour listing all the synonyms she could come up with. But the reality is that this is going to be her future, that one day soon, she’ll be the one standing in front of employees that are more like minions than anything else, who nod like well trained dogs and then shit talk about her behind her back. She’ll be coldly prioritizing business above all else, will no longer be Lena, but Ms. Luthor, nothing but a Luthor, nothing but her last name. It curdles in her gut like battery acid.

(Part of her can’t help but think about how this is everything that Kara isn’t. Where this conference room is all whites and grays, Kara is the brightest colors Lena has ever seen. So bright and blinding that it almost hurts to look at, but you can’t help but do it anyway, no matter what it’ll do to your eyes. And while everyone in the room is insincere and stiff, Kara has so much passion, so much life in her. She’d never hold a meeting like this; she has too much soul. It’s something that her father and the people he surrounds himself with can no longer understand. They traded their souls in for money and sales and business. And as the days tick down to MIT, Lena worries that she soon won’t be able to understand, either.)

Shaking herself out of her thoughts and looking over at Helen, Lena notices she seems perfectly content to be at this meeting. She’s taking notes in her little pad (like Lena is supposed to be but has entirely neglected to do) and is laser focused on Lionel, like everything he says is made of literal gold. Lena rolls her eyes. This is clearly why Helen was so keen to get this job. Having to watch Lena when she goes to work with her father is practically like a paid internship for her without the having to get coffee and more dealing with a moody teenager.

(Her parents would love it if she were more like Helen. If she would dedicate herself to the family business, leave her heart behind and live in her head, controlled entirely by them. Lillian would trade her in for a model like Helen in a second, upgraded in every way.)

“Having a good time, huh?” Lena mutters under her breath, just loud enough for only Helen to hear.

Helen’s fingers twitch around her pen, but she doesn’t respond.

Lena rolls her eyes and slouches in a less than ladylike manner. It shouldn’t be a surprise that she’s being used again, let alone by Helen who she doesn’t even give a shit about, but it still hurts somehow.

She wishes Kara were here, like always. Kara would have some choice jokes to share about every single man in the room, and they’d have Lena hiding her laughter behind her hand the whole time. Lena side-glares at Helen. Helen probably couldn’t tell a joke to save her life.

The meeting drags until her father finally dismisses everyone. He strolls over to Lena, giving her a stern look.

“I noticed you weren’t paying attention again, Lena,” he admonishes. Lena resists the urge to roll her eyes a second time. “You’re embarrassing me in front of my employees. Can’t you even pretend to be interested in the future of the family company?”

“I found it very interesting,” Helen breaks in, her perfect white teeth on display. Kiss up.

Lionel regards her carefully. He clearly has no idea who she is, and she’s the hired help, living in his own home. Lena bites the inside of her cheek.

“Helen,” Helen reminds him, after he remains silent. “Lena’s nanny.”

“Right,” he says slowly. Did Lillian even tell him about this? “Well, maybe you can encourage Lena to find some interest of her own in the business.”

“I’ll get right on that,” Helen agrees. She sounds awestruck. Lena wants to be sick; she even feels bile crawling up her throat. Helen would probably love a chance to work under her father, so to speak, and given Lena’s own existence, it isn’t too far out of the realm of possibility.

Yeah, there’s definitely some bile working its way up.

Lena makes her way to her father’s office to file his paperwork (such a prestigious job for a Luthor). She considers if she would be able to get Helen to do it, pass it off as some experience for her.

Her father’s eyes watching her like a hawk from his desk tell her she can’t. Lena lets out a sigh. She fucking hates this.

### 43 Days Until

Lena fears she may have died during her walk home from Kara’s and gone to Hell. That’s the only explanation for how awful everything has become since then.

For the past few days, Helen has been on her like a leech, tailing her from room to room like a shadow with a fucking note pad, writing in it every time Lena does fucking anything. If Helen is being such a snitch, Lillian is never going to unground her. At this rate, she’ll never see Kara again, and it won’t even be because of the distance between them.

To make it even worse, Helen had placed a baby monitor in her room, told Lena that if she even thought about turning it off, she’d have Lena sleeping on the floor in her room with nothing but a pillow. The volume on it is cranked up as high as it can go. Helen probably uses the sounds of Lena’s breath to kill herself to sleep. That means no sneaking out the window without Helen catching her, which means no contact with Kara at all.

Every time Lena catches sight of it she wants to cry of frustration. It’s not fair that she’s being treated like a child, and it certainly isn’t fair that she can’t see her best friend. She’s so sick of her room and her family and her whole life and she just wants to see Kara.

Lex is coming by tonight after having been away in Metropolis for the past week, and Lena is hoping beyond belief that he will convince Lillian to give her a break. Lillian loves Lex; if anyone could change her mind, it’s him. It’s just a matter of whether or not he’ll be willing to do it.

Lena lies in her bed, bored out of her mind reading a chemistry book that Lillian bought her to prepare her for the start of classes. It’s everything she already knows in the extreme detail that’ll never actually need. It makes her dread her upcoming doom all the more. In a few weeks, she’ll be in Massachusetts being fine tuned into a Luthor bot, while Kara will be in New York finding the freedom that Lena has always yearned for but could never have.

She’s jealous, but mostly she’s just glad that the world won’t be able to dull Kara’s spirit in the way hers will be. It may be too late for Lena, but as long as she knows that Kara is out there, whether they’re still friends or not, simply being _Kara_ , it’ll be okay. It might be the only thing that keeps her sane.

She tosses the chemistry book aside, letting it flop onto the floor with a loud thump. She hopes a bunch of the pages got folded awkwardly or torn up.

Helen pokes her head in. Lena rolls her eyes exaggeratedly, so Helen can really see how pissed off she is.

“Just dropped my book,” Lena intones.

Helen hipchecks her way in and assesses the damage, like there’s going to be a corpse on the floor or something. Lena rolls her eyes again. At this point, they may as well get stuck like that. It’s practically her natural expression.

Helen writes something in her stupid fucking notebook. Lena wishes she could snatch it and light it on fire.

“Try to be less clumsy,” Helen suggests, with a tight smile. It’s infuriating.

Lena can’t believe she hasn’t lost it yet. As if she needs to be told to “be less clumsy.” What good is that going to do?

“I’ll get on that.” She will not be. “Can you go now?”

Helen sighs and steps out, jerking the door shut behind her. Lena stares at her ceiling and considers the likelihood that it will just cave in now and put her out of her misery.

Twenty minutes or twenty hours later, Lena hears Lex downstairs talking to her mother. Finally, someone she doesn’t loathe that she can have a conversation with.

Lena doesn’t leave her room, figuring Lex will come up and find her. She’d rather not have Helen trailing behind her, eyes shrewd and judgmental as pleads her case to her brother. She already hates to be doing it enough, let alone where Helen gets a front row seat to the show.

She hears (and feels) Lex’s characteristic heavy gait on the stairs and up to her room, before a startled, “Whoa, hello!” sounds outside her door.

Lex’s head appears through the open door. “What’s with the secretary?”

Lena groans. “She’s my fucking nanny.”

Lex stares, then nearly falls into the room with the force of his laughter. He catches himself on the doorframe so that he doesn’t completely collapse, but it’s a close call.

“A nanny...” Lex chuckles in disbelief when he can breathe again. “What the hell did you do?”

“I may have...” Lena lets out a harsh breath through her teeth. “I may have cursed mother out at the Fourth of July barbecue and then disappeared for a few days.”

Lex studies her for a pause, then laughs again.

“You’re really good at coming up with shit to piss off mom, huh?”

Lena rubs at her forehead. “And she’s really good at coming up with punishments to piss me off.”

Lex puts on a knowing smirk. Asshole. “At least now you know what it’s like to have an intern.”

Lena resists throwing her pillow at him. She’s pretty sure that no one has interns against their will. And she’s definitely sure that Lex is being flippant on purpose.

“Lex,” Lena whines, like the six year old this situation has almost effectively turned her into. “Do something!”

Lex sits down on the end of her bed. He doesn’t even pretend to look sympathetic. Dick.

“Nothing I can do,” he shrugs. “You made your bed...”

“Shut the fuck up, Lex, you don’t know anything about making beds,” Lena spits. This time she does throw her pillow, and it hits him in his dumb bald head. “Little spoiled brat.”

Lex cracks up again and lobs the pillow back at her. She catches it.

“You know how mother is,” Lex says. “Once her mind is made, that’s it. And not only did you embarrass her, you let her stew in it. Bad move. You should have just let her get it out right then and there.”

As if Lex has ever gotten Lillian remotely as angry as Lena has for just minor offenses. Lex has never been slapped around by her, called ungrateful and worthless. He has no idea the kind of sway he has over her, and he has no idea what he’s never had to face because of it.

Lena doesn’t voice this. Lex cares, but only to the extent that he’s willing to. If she told him Lillian hits her, he’d find a way to turn it around to imply that she deserved it, so that he could free himself of the obligation to do anything about it.

Why had she thought Lex would help her? She supposes that it’s easier to pretend that you aren’t alone than it is to accept that you truly are.

Lena stays quiet for a long time. Lex notices, and his face actually turns somewhat sympathetic.

“I’m sure mother will get over it soon,” he attempts to soothe. “She’s just trying to do right by you. When she thinks she has, she’ll set you free.”

As if. Lillian doesn’t want to help her, she wants her to be miserable. Like when she stole away her favorite teddy bear as a child, the one her mother had given her for her third birthday, and dumped it in the trash. She told Lena then that she needed to grow up. Fourteen years later, and Lillian still tells her the same. Lena will never be grown enough, and Lillian will never set her free.

“Right,” Lena agrees, only to stop Lex from struggling for more less than comforting words.

“And besides, it can’t be all bad, right? Getting to have a hot woman follow you around all day?”

Lena despises when Lex eyes her like this, like he knows something about her that he’s dying to gloat about. Fucker. Lena’s not giving him anything.

“Maybe a perk for you,” she mutters, ignoring the way Lex is smirking at her.

“Could still be a perk,” he muses, more to himself than to Lena. She snorts.

“Please. She would eat you alive.” Lex waves her off. “No, seriously. I bet if you married her she’d shove you off the plane to your honeymoon. She’s heartless.”

Lex shrugs. “That’s how I like them.”

Of course he does. Someone to be apathetic with. Charming.

Helen comes in to inform them that dinner is ready and that Lillian has requested their presence at the table. Lex gives Helen a pointed stare as he passes her, and Lena just holds back a retch.

Dinner is typical. Lena plays with her food while Lillian interrogates Lex about his trip, and Lionel is silent where he eats and does paperwork. Lex’s trip was dull and completely business, but he manages to find half an hour’s worth of stories to drivel. Lena swears he does it to spite her.

“So, how long’ll the nanny be around?” Lex prods as they finish up their meal.

Helen’s jaw tenses. Lena assumes she’s not a fan of being referred to as just “the nanny.” If Lena didn’t hate her, she’d sympathize with her.

“Until Lena is off to school,” Lillian states, no room for contest.

Lena suspects she might be getting reacquainted with her dinner. Lillian really isn’t going to budge on this. No Kara for over a month? No chance to see her before she leaves? If she thought their friendship was doomed before, it’s now nailed in its coffin and being shipped off to the cemetery. It’s so utterly unfair. This was her last few months with Kara, and Lillian took away most of it for no reason other than to hurt her, to force her to lose the one person that makes her happy.

Lex glances at Lena out of the corner of his eye. Lena can only imagine what he’s seeing, but it can’t be anything pretty. She’s gone pale from the nausea, and she’s propping her head up with her hand like it’s the only thing keeping her from slumping over.

He purses his lips. “Isn’t that a little...excessive?”

Lillian raises an eyebrow. Lex offers a sheepish half smile.

“I mean, she is going to college soon. This is the last time for her to see her friends.”

“Good,” Lillian snaps, almost immediately. “They’re bad influences on her. She never acted this way before she met them. She used to be a well behaved little girl, and look what she is now. She needs to grow up before she can be on her own, and this is the only way left to do it. She did this to herself.”

Lex opens his mouth to reply, but shuts it. He meets Lena’s gaze and shrugs apologetically. That’s as much of Lex intervention as Lena was ever going to get. At least he tried.

Part of Lena wants to fight back at Lillian. To tell her that she was only well behaved as a kid because she was scared, and it was her friends that made her realize that she didn’t have to be. That while Lillian brought her down, they were the ones that kept her afloat.

The other part of her is exhausted. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. She just wants Kara.

Her only chance is to give in. Maybe Lex was right. If Lillian believes she’s fixed her, she’ll extend her leash. And if it gets extended enough, she’ll be sneaking off to see Kara in no time. Or, at least, she hopes so.

### 40 Days Until

Lena eyes her baby monitor now at midnight, giving a silent growl and resisting the urge to swipe at it. She feels like a four year old again, just starting to live with the Luthors and being treated like some sort of alien. Watched all the time like no one has any idea what’s she’s going to do because she’s from some foreign non-Luthor planet and they’re worried she’s gonna blow.

Lena pulls her pillow over her face and screams. Maybe suffocating herself would be a good idea. If she died she could haunt Helen until her prissy ass snapped and she understood the hell she was putting Lena through that made her die.

Lena hasn’t spoken to Kara in eight days now. She’s going insane. She just hopes that Kara figures that Lena is grounded and not ditching her or something.

Lena tosses her pillow on the floor. Kara would probably be upset if Lena died, especially if she did think that Lena had abandoned her, and Lena couldn’t bare it if she had to watch Kara cry at her funeral as a ghost and not be able to comfort her. Kara has enough to be sad about, apparently, without adding Lena’s death by self suffocation to the list.

Lena jumps when she hears a tap on her window, three distinct knocks that can’t be a tree branch from the pattern of it. Lena hesitates, glancing at the baby monitor. Helen might hear, but there’s no one else it could be other than Kara. Lena isn’t going to pass up the chance to speak to her. And it technically isn’t her fault if Kara’s the one that came to her, right?

She walks as quietly as she can from her bed to the window, hoping that the low creeks of the floorboards won’t be loud enough to alert Helen of her movements. She flips the latch on the window, wincing at the loud noise in the otherwise silent room and tugs it open. There’s no one out there, but there is a note taped to the outside of the glass. Lena rips it off just as the light flicks on. Fuck.

“What are you doing up?” Helen demands, and despite not being able to see her, Lena is sure she has her hand on her cocked hip. “And what are you doing at the window? Trying to sneak out?”

Lena almost scoffs at the accusation, but bites her tongue. As subtly as she can, she tucks the note in the waistband of her pajama shorts and adjusts her shirt before she turns around.

“No,” she answers, a little harder than she should. “I wanted a breeze, it’s warm. Do you really think I’d sneak out like this?” She gestures down to her basketball shorts and ratty T-shirt, both of which she stole from Kara, and her bare feet that she would certainly not attempt to traverse her roof with.

Helen’s eyes narrow, but she can’t really argue with Lena about that.

“You better get back to bed, then,” is all she says before she turns back out the light and leaves. Lena makes a face at the shut door, then plops back on the bed, fishing out the note.

_I’m parked outside. Come if you can. It’s important. xo Kara_

Lena suppresses the urge to hug the note to her chest and sigh all star struck and sappy because of how Kara signed it. Instead, she shoves it in the drawer of her nightstand and grabs some clothes from her dresser. She knows Helen will hear her, but she doesn’t care. Kara needs her, and Lena is going whether she rats her out or not.

It doesn’t take long for Helen to come storming back into the room and whisper-yell, “What the hell are you doing?”

Lena tugs her shirt over her head and declares, “I’m leaving, and you aren’t going to tell anyone.”

Helen seems taken aback at Lena’s hard tone for a second before she composes herself and raises an eyebrow. “That’s rich.”

“No, it really isn’t. Because I’m going out right now whether you tell my mother or not, and when she finds out that I’m gone and you couldn’t stop me, she’s going to be a lot more pissed at you than she is at me. You’re going to be out of here by noon tomorrow, and you’ll never work for a Luthor again.” Helen’s jaw tightens. Lena’s backed her into a corner. “So, I’m going, and I’ll be back by the time my parents are awake tomorrow, and they’ll never know I left and they’ll have no reason to be angry at you. Win for both of us. Goodbye.”

Lena doesn’t wait for confirmation. She knows she’s got her. Helen doesn’t say a single word as Lena opens her window and climbs out, but the bedroom door does shut softly, as far as she can hear. Lena grins. She actually pulled this off.

Kara is just down the road, leaning against her car and smoking like it’s going out of style. Lena has a feeling that that definitely isn’t the first cigarette she’s had that night, probably not even the third. Kara isn’t really a chain-smoker, not unless she’s upset. Shit.

“Kara,” she calls, hopefully low enough that the neighbors won’t hear.

Kara’s head whips towards her, and a small smile spreads on her face. She drops her cigarette and stomps it out without even looking, gaze fixed on Lena.

The second Lena is close enough, Kara reaches out and pulls her into one of the tightest hugs they’ve ever shared, Lena’s chin digging into Kara’s shoulder and Kara’s fingers clenched around Lena’s shirt. It feels like coming home after being away for the longest time, like the hole in Lena’s chest is now filled and she hadn’t quite realized just how gaping it was until now. Kara’s face is buried in Lena’s hair, and Lena can tell she’s breathing in steadily. It makes Lena feel wanted like nothing else.

“I missed you,” Kara murmurs, almost too low for Lena to hear at all. “A lot. I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

Lena disentangles herself from Kara, just enough so that she can meet her eyes, cup her face with her hands. It’s so intimate, seeing Kara’s eyes this close, being able to see the sadness clouding behind her usually bright blue eyes. Lena hates to see it, would do absolutely anything to make it go away, to have her eyes to shine again.

“Of course I came.” She says it matter of factly because that’s how it’s been ever since they met—Kara calls and Lena answers, no matter what. “You need me.”

“Yeah, I do,” Kara agrees, soft, like she means it as more than just a response to what Lena’s said. “Fuck.”

“What?” Lena worries immediately, checking her up and down to make sure she’s physically all right. She doesn’t find anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t. “What is it?”

“Nothing, I just...” Kara shakes her head. “Let’s go.”

“Go?” It dawns on Lena that Kara took her car when she’d usually just walk. Kara can’t imagine where Kara would be planning to take her in the middle of the night.

“Yeah. Somewhere to talk,” Kara explains. She tugs open the driver’s side door, and Lena takes it as signal to get in the passenger’s side.

Lena supposes that she should ask Kara where exactly they’re going, given that Kara showed up to her house after midnight clearly in some sort of distress and is now taking her to an undisclosed location. But Lena trusts her. More than she’s ever trusted anyone, possibly ever will trust anyone. Lena would probably walk off a cliff if Kara told her to, which isn’t exactly the best mindset to have, but...it’s Kara. It’s not like Kara would actually do that. She’d jump off a cliff after Lena to save her.

Kara starts up the car and drives off. She makes no move to turn on the radio or to flip on a tape like she usually would, and a certain dread settles in Lena’s stomach. If Kara doesn’t want to listen to music, it must be worse than Lena was thinking.

Lena spends the entire drive eying Kara, attempting to gauge her emotions, rather than trying to figure out where they’re headed. She’s surprised when Kara abruptly comes to a halt in a pretty wooded area after around twenty minutes of driving. She’s even more surprised when Kara throws open her door and hops out saying, “Come on.”

Cliff, jump. Lena follows.

“So,” Lena says casually as Kara leads her through the trees. “Is this where you’re going to murder me?”

Kara huffs a tiny laugh. “You know I’d never hurt you, Lena.”

Yeah, she does. “We haven’t seen each other in over a week. You could’ve turned homicidal, decided to become a serial killer. Maybe you want me to be your first.”

Lena can see Kara’s ears turn red from the pale light of the moon. She shrugs it off.

“If I were going to become a serial killer, I’d have you as my sidekick,” Kara tells her, glancing back at her. Her cheeks are a little flushed, too. “We’d make a good team.”

“Is that right?” Lena asks. It’s flirtier than she means it to be, but she can’t help it, doesn’t really want to, either. “What if I don’t want to be your sidekick? Would you kill me then?”

“Nah.” There’s a hint of a smile in Kara’s voice. “I’m pretty sure you’d say yes.”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

Kara giggles, low. Lena’s heart squeezes. “Maybe you should be telling me.”

Lena is silent. She isn’t sure what Kara means, and she doesn’t think Kara would tell her if she asked.

“Don’t go fishing for compliments,” Lena mutters, sounding more annoyed than she actually is. “You’re at the wrong pond for that.”

Kara lets out this loud honking laugh, like the sound bursted out of her unexpectedly. Lena unconsciously grins wide at the sound. She’d make Kara laugh like that every day if she could, every hour even. Just to keep her happy.

Kara grabs Lena’s hand and guides her through some thick foliage. When they’re past it, they’re greeted by an empty meadow, housing only the moonlight and the distant sound of crickets and rustling of small animals.

“This is it,” Kara announces, not letting go of Lena’s hand until they’ve reached the center and she plops down on the ground, lying on her back.

Lena tentatively sits next to her, cross legged. The grass is dry from the recent lack of rain, so dry that Lena can almost hear it crack under her.

“This is my happy place,” Kara tells her before Lena can even ask. “I like to come here to think.” She opens one eye, peeks at Lena, and closes it again. “I’ve never brought anyone here before.”

Lena raises her eyebrows. “Really? Not even Alex?”

Kara shakes her head. “Nope.” There’s a brief silence. “Being here...it feels like sitting inside my head. It’s easier to do that alone. There’s some things you just don’t want other people to know about you. I...um, you’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to let in like that.”

Lena swallows hard against her pulse in her throat. “Why?”

Kara gives her this look, like Lena has asked the most obvious question in the world, like she can’t believe she doesn’t know the answer. Lena’s breath catches.

Kara turns her face towards the trees. “Don’t know.” She breathes in deep. “I’ve never felt as safe with someone as I do with you.”

Lena takes a deep breath of her own, needing to reign herself in. “Why did you bring me here, Kara?”

Kara is quiet for a long while. Like she’s trying to take in the sounds around her before she can gain the courage to speak herself.

“Have you ever—” Kara voice breaks, and Lena wants more than anything to reach out and touch her, hold her. “Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve everything that you have? Like someone else should, but you’re the one that’s here and you’re just...you?”

No, Lena has never felt that way, not really. And to think that Kara has...

She can’t help herself, she reaches out and pets Kara’s forehead, pushing back the stray hairs that lie across it.

“What’s this about, Kara?”

Kara’s breath is shaky. Lena can see the way it jerks in her chest before she lets it out. Fuck. Lena doesn’t know what to do.

“I’m—I—Shit.” Kara smacks her palm against her forehead, where Lena had just touched her only a moment ago. “Fuck, Lena, it should’ve been me.”

“What...what should’ve been you?” Lena has no idea what she’s talking about, and she’s starting to scare her. She’s never heard this kind of distress in Kara’s voice. Kara’s always so put together, while Lena is the one that loses herself in her emotions, and now that it’s the other way around...she never prepared for this, never thought she’d see Kara like this. “Did something happen?”

Kara shakes her head, and a tear drips out of the corner of her eye. She swipes at it, almost violently.

“It’s my mother’s birthday today,” Kara tells her. She’s never told Lena anything about her parents before, completely shuts down if anyone brings them up. “It was just a few weeks before she d—” Kara pauses to steady herself. “Before she died.”

Lena stays still. She’s afraid if she even moves that Kara will close herself off. She wants to let Kara speak for herself.

“I...I should have—” Lena watches Kara’s throat bob as she swallows. “I wish things were different. That she was here. It’s all that’s been in my head today.”

“I know how that feels,” Lena says earnestly, taking one of Kara’s hands and stroking her seemingly permanently scabbed knuckles with her thumb. “I know you had more time with your mother than I did with mine, but...I always remember on her birthday, too. I hate to think about how she died on what should be a happy day instead of how she lived. It’s just...impossible not to.”

Kara gazes up at her with wide eyes, like Lena holds all of the answers to the universe.

“Is that...do you think that you should have been the one that...?” Lena trails off. She can’t even say it, she can’t even comprehend it. If Kara had...Lena never would have met her. Maybe it’s selfish, but she doesn’t want to imagine a world where she never knew Kara.

Kara chews her lip, looks away. Panic swells in Lena’s chest.

“Kara...” Lena says, her voice lilting high with the rising dread in her.

“My whole family died,” Kara states, tone slightly defensive. “Everyone except Clark. And I...I couldn’t save them, I couldn’t do anything. I just had to stand there and watch and every night, every fucking night, I watch it over and over again and fuck! I should’ve done something, even if I had died then I wouldn’t have to—I wouldn’t—”

Kara breaks down into tears, and Lena doesn’t even have to consider it before she’s pulling Kara close, practically in her lap, and running a hand up and down her back, whispering soothing words in Kara’s ear. Kara’s face is tucked up in Lena’s neck, soaking her skin and t-shirt, but she couldn’t care less.

The panic doesn’t fade, just sits dormant while Lena has more pressing matters to focus on.

“Kara, it isn’t your fault,” Lena murmurs, pushing her free hand through Kara’s hair. “You couldn’t—you were a kid. You didn’t have anything to do with the fire.”

(Lena knows vaguely of what happened. But only secondhand from Alex, who had spilled about it one day when Kara had locked herself up in her room and Lena had wanted to know why. Kara’s family had been having a party to celebrate Kara’s mother’s fortieth birthday, a few weeks after the fact since that’s the only time the whole family could come. Everyone had stayed over that night and there had been a massive fire. No one knows what started it. Kara had woken up, grabbed Clark who had been staying in her room with her, and saved both of them from the house just in time. No one else had made it. Eliza had taken in Kara immediately—her and Kara’s parents had been incredibly close, and Kara and Alex already jokingly called themselves sisters. According to Alex, Kara has never been the same since the fire, but Lena doesn’t know what to make of that. She hadn’t met Kara until they started high school, three years after the fire had happened.)

“You would hate me. If you knew you would _hate me_ ,” Kara cries. “I can’t—I don’t want to lose you.”

“Kara,” Lena coos, lifting Kara’s face and using her thumbs to wipe away the tears on Kara’s face. “I could never hate you. There’s nothing you could do that would ever make me hate you. I promise. Okay? I promise.”

Kara shakes her head. “But if you knew you would, I know it. I hate me for it. You would hate me, too! I know it. I know it.”

Lena’s chest aches. How could Kara possibly say she hates herself? How could she not see that she’s the only thing keeping the world so bright? That she’s the best thing in Lena’s life? That anyone who’s ever known her was so lucky to be in her presence? That she is just... everything? How could she not know?

And what could Kara have possibly done to make her hate herself in the first place? To make her think that Lena would hate her? As if Kara could do anything short of telling Lena that their entire friendship was a lie and she never cared about her at all to make Lena stop loving her, and even then, well. Lena’s in love. You can’t really just turn that off.

But she isn’t going to ask. Prodding Kara would probably set her off even more, and this is the kind of thing that Kara needs to offer to tell her herself, without Lena pressuring her. She’ll just have to wait until Kara is ready.

“Kara, sweetheart.” The pet name slips out accidentally, but Kara doesn’t seem to catch it. “I mean it when I say that nothing could make me hate you. You’re not gonna lose me. Whatever it is, it won’t stop me from lo—from loving you as much as I do now.”

Kara’s cries quiet a little, like she’s finally listening to what Lena’s telling her. Lena presses a kiss to Kara’s forehead, which is a little sweaty from the heat and the stress of crying. She barely notices.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Lena says, softly. “I’m always here if you want to, but you don’t have to. Not ever, if you don’t want to. But if you do, it won’t change anything. I swear.”

Kara finally opens her eyes, meets Lena’s. Hers are teary, and wide, almost childlike. She holds up a pinky.

“Pinky swear?”

Lena huffs a laugh, and twines her pinky around Kara’s.

“Pinky swear.”

Kara lips quirk up the slightest bit. “Okay.”

There’s a long silence. Lena assumes this means that Kara won’t be revealing what she was talking about.

Kara shuffles away from Lena, and even in the dry California heat, it makes Lena cold. Kara lies back down in the grass and throws her arm over her eyes. Her hair billows around her head, and Lena is torn between finding it beautiful and cringing at the thought of how many bugs may be crawling in it.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Kara mumbles. Her voice is thick and raspy from crying, but she no longer sounds tearful.

For a second, Lena thinks she had been staring too hard at Kara’s hair.

“No, don’t,” Lena insists once she gets out of her head. “You don’t ever have to be sorry for having feelings. And definitely not for sharing them with me.”

Kara laughs under her breath, bitter. “If only that were true.”

“It is,” Lena protests firmly. Why would Kara think it wasn’t? “I would n—”

“Can we talk about something else?” Kara cuts in. Lena clamps her mouth shut. “I just...I want to think about something else. Get my mind off everything.”

“Okay,” Lena acquiesces. She’s not happy about what Kara implied, but now isn’t the time to fight with her. “What do you want to talk about?”

Kara sighs. “Can you—Would you tell me something you’ve never told anyone? It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just...something.”

Lena’s initial urge is to blurt, _I’m in love with you_ before she swallows the words back down. Now isn’t the time for love declarations, either. There’ll probably never be a time for those, actually.

Instead, still unthinkingly, she replies, “I don’t really want to go to MIT.”

Kara glances at her curiously, but remains silent. Lena takes this as a gentle nudge to carry on.

“I don’t think it’s what I want.” Lena drops her graze to her lap where she’s playing with her fingers. She can’t look at Kara. “I think...it’s what my family wants for me. So I told myself that it’s what I wanted, too, but...it isn’t. I’m pretty sure I fucking hate chemistry. And I know I hate going to work with my father.” Lena steels herself. “I guess I thought the only way I’d ever fit in with my family, that they’d ever really love me, is if I became what they wanted me to. If I molded myself into the perfect Luthor, just like Lex. But I don’t want to just be a Luthor. I don’t know...”

“Oh, Lena,” Kara breathes out. She’s watching Lena, brows pinched, not with pity but with genuine sadness.

“But I don’t think I have a choice,” Lena continues when Kara doesn’t say anything else. “It’s too late now. But all I can think about is how I’m just going to become another faceless Luthor minion, not even at the top like a real Luthor, but under my father and then my brother, always. No matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough for them. And it makes me so mad.”

There’s something about the warm breeze and the quiet, soothing sounds and scratchiness of the grass and the cover of the night sky above them makes it so easy to let everything spill out, like the wind will take it the weight of it off of her and carry it somewhere far away where she’ll never have to deal with it again. Lena understands now why Kara calls this her happy place.

“It should,” Kara pipes up, and Lena startles. She had almost forgotten Kara was there, caught up in her own words. “Make you mad, I mean. Love shouldn’t be conditional. You shouldn’t have to be perfect to get love from your parents. And, anyway, you’re already perfect the way you are. It’s their fault that they can’t see it.”

Lena’s glad it’s dark because her face turns hot at that. “I, um, doubt that’s true.”

“But it is,” Kara insists. “I mean you’re—Look, when I was little, my mom wanted me to be a lawyer, like her. She used to bring me to her firm all the time and brag about how I was going to take over one day. And back then, that’s what I wanted. Because when you’re a kid, you want what your parents want for you. But...could you imagine me as a lawyer?”

Lena actually considers that. How passionate and righteous Kara can be. How good she is at taking what she truly believes in and making you believe it, too.

(How good she would look in a pantsuit.)

“Yeah, I could.”

Kara gives her a strange look, like she hadn’t expected Lena to answer. She gives a sour laugh.

“I’d be a shit lawyer. I’m nothing like my mom.” She gazes wistfully up at the sky for a beat. “And I know that. If I tried to be a lawyer I’d probably have k—I’d be miserable. But art...it’s what makes me happy. It’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. I think my parents would have understood that.” She gets that same expression as before, but this time, her throat bobs with it. “And yours should, too. You should do what makes you happy, Lena. Even if that means changing your mind fifty times and then deciding to join the circus.”

Lena opens her mouth to speak, but clearly Kara isn’t done yet. She barrels on.

“Your parents should support you, no matter what. Especially after all of the bullshit they’ve put you through. God, it fucking kills me. I think about it all the time, you know? How you’re so kind-hearted and brave and just...incredible and they don’t see it. Or they do and they want to...I don’t know, break it down, make you more like them. But you don’t have to be.”

Kara sucks in a long breath. Lena’s lungs can’t pull in that much air anymore.

“It’ll never be too late, Lena. And definitely not for you, not now. You’re only seventeen.”

Lena gives her a tiny grin. “Seventeen and nine months.”

Kara scoffs. “Oh, you’re right. Better get the funeral arrangements going.”

Lena lightly hits her shoulder. “If that were the case you’d be dead.”

Something flickers behind Kara’s eyes, but it’s gone once she blinks. She catches Lena’s wrist, pressing her fingertips along Lena’s pulse. Lena wishes it wasn’t so fast. Kara fixes her with a serious look.

“You’ll always have me, Lena. No matter what. I promise.”

Lena smiles, melancholy. The days are ticking down, and that’s a promise Kara won’t be able to keep. Not forever. Not for longer than another month.

Lena keeps her gaze trained down, but she can feel Kara watching her. Her thumb is stroking along the bone of her wrist, and her fingertips dig in a little.

“I know your family has made you feel like no one wants you and that everyone will leave,” Kara says, and Lena jerks her head up, surprised. How could Kara know that? “And I hate that. God, I hate it so much. But it isn’t true, and definitely not with me. I would do anything for you. If that means...I don’t know, taking the bus to Massachusetts and camping out on the sidewalk in front of your dorm every weekend, then I’ll do it. Whatever you want. But I can’t—I don’t want you to ever feel that way again.”

Lena’s heart thumps so hard she’s afraid it’s going to jump out her throat. She feels like Kara has opened up her head and peered inside and knows everything about her, is laying it bare and telling her exactly what she needs to hear. She never thought anyone would know her like this, without Lena even having to share these thoughts at all.

Lena will never love anyone like this again.

“I know it isn’t easy to believe me. Your family has hurt you—is still hurting you, and I...” Kara blinks a few times, quick.

Lena’s stopped breathing.

“I can’t do anything about it. I just...I wish I could take you and fly away with you somewhere where they couldn’t hurt you anymore and I could protect you and you could be happy. That’s all I really want for you, Lena, and it’s driving me cr—”

Lena kisses her.

She doesn’t even think about it, can’t even think about it. It’s like being compelled by a magnet, she can’t fight it, not that she wants to. This was inevitable, fated, maybe.

Kara’s lips are soft, just like she always imagined they’d be.

It barely takes a second before Kara is kissing back, pressing a hand on the nape of Lena’s neck to bring her impossibly closer. Lena wouldn’t notice if the entire field went up in flames. She already feels the heat, her entire body lit up and her neck burning from the weight of Kara’s touch.

Lena pulls away, just barely, only enough to take a breath.

Kara breathes, “Lena.”

Her eyes are closed. Her lips are parted, pinker than they normally are. She mouths Lena’s name again, but doesn’t make a sound. Her glasses are crooked.

Lena can’t resist. She kisses her again, and Kara lets out a small whimper, like she’s been wounded.

Lena licks along Kara’s bottom lip. It tastes like watermelon.

Kara angles her chin so that their lips press together harder. She still has Lena’s wrist, and Lena can’t imagine what her pulse feels like right now. Maybe it’s so hard her blood vessels are going to burst. Maybe it’s stopped altogether. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, except for the way Kara is kissing her, like she feels the same way.

Lena tries to break the kiss, leaning back so she can sit up and they can talk about this (not that she wouldn’t love to kiss Kara until she can’t breathe and maybe even after that), but Kara keeps hold of her, chases her lips until they’re both sitting and Lena can’t move any further.

They stop kissing, but their noses are brushing together still. Kara’s eyes keep closed.

“Lena,” Kara whispers, like the closing to a prayer. A benediction. “Why did you kiss me?”

A million reasons flood into Lena’s head, most of which play it off as nothing. But Lena is tired of pretending, doesn’t think she can anymore now that she knows what kissing Kara is like. She wants to do it everyday for the rest of her life.

“Because I love you,” Lena admits, voice so low she’s worried Kara won’t hear.

But Kara’s eyes pop open, wide, for the first time since Lena kissed her. She seems a mix of shock and elation, and, to Lena’s surprise, some type of adoration. A slow smile spreads on Kara’s lips, and it meets Kara’s eyes for the first time tonight.

“Fuck, Lena,” she laughs, then tackles Lena to the ground.

Lena’s glad they’re on the grass because her head knocks against the ground, not too painfully. Kara’s somehow managed to end up between Lena’s bent legs, and she has her face tucked into Lena’s neck. Lena hugs her close without even thinking because she doesn’t have to anymore. She doesn’t have to hide, not from Kara.

(She doesn’t even think about the bugs that could be weaving their way into her hair right now, too focused on Kara above her to care.)

“I love you, too,” Kara says, muffled by Lena’s skin. Lena can feel Kara’s mouth shape the words, like they’re being branded into her skin, into her pulse. “I love you so much. Fuck, you can’t even imagine.”

Lena tilts her head down so she can kiss Kara’s temple. “I think I can.”

Kara looks up at her then, this glint to her eyes that Lena has never seen. It makes her face heat up.

Kara giggles. “You’re cute when you blush, you know? I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Lena blushes harder and throws a hand over her face to hide it. Kara laughs harder and pries her arm away she can kiss her.

Lena can’t deny that she loves it like this. Kara on top of her, surrounding her completely, her own knees digging into the bony flesh of Kara’s hips through the rough material of Kara’s jeans, her hands tangling in Kara’s hair, knotting it around her fingers so that Kara can’t leave.

Kara’s lips are soft and slick and when she catches Lena’s bottom lip between her teeth and bites down, a low moan embarrassingly escapes Lena’s throat. Kara smiles against her lips, and if Lena’s hands weren’t so caught up in Kara’s hair, she would’ve (lightly) slapped her for that.

“You’re so good, Lena,” Kara murmurs into her mouth, and Lena almost loses it at that, forgets everything including her own name.

They kiss for a long time, until Lena’s lips are sore and her back is hurting from the hard ground. She couldn’t care less. She’d kiss Kara until her lips go numb and fall off.

Kara abruptly breaks away, sitting back on her heels. She loads up her phone while Lena stares up at her, trying to grasp the fact that her and Kara had just been kissing a second ago and now aren’t.

“Shit,” Kara mutters, tucking her phone back in her pocket. “It’s almost three. I need to get you back.”

“No,” Lena protests, squeezing her knees tighter to Kara’s sides, as if to trap her. “And why were you thinking about the time while we were kissing? Was I boring you?”

Kara huffs a laugh. “Not at all. In fact, I think that was the least bored I’ve ever been.” Kara gives her a wicked grin. “And, actually, I was thinking about your mother, which made me remember that I need to bring you back.”

“My mother?” Lena splutters, propping herself on her elbows to properly glare at Kara. “Why the hell were you thinking about my mother?”

Kara falls forward just slightly, so that she’s balancing on her palms and their faces are close enough that her breath ghosts on Lena’s cheek. She still has that same smile, and Lena’s own breath catches to have it so close.

“I was thinking about how much she would hate me if she saw what I was doing to you,” Kara reveals. Lena is transfixed by her.

“Mm,” Lena hums, her eyes drooping and smirk lazy. “She’d probably want to kill you.”

Lena hooks her fingers in the belt loops of Kara’s jeans, gives her a forceful tug. Kara closes the distance between them until her lips are planted on Lena’s cheekbone.

“But you wouldn’t let her,” Kara breathes, as she kisses a line across Lena’s face until she reaches her ear. She playfully nips at her earlobe. “Yeah? Because you love me.”

Lena wants to make a joke, but she can’t. Not right now, when it’s so new that she can admit it.

“Yeah,” Lena agrees. She smiles so wide her face, and especially her kiss swollen lips, hurts. “Yeah, I do. So much.”

Kara kisses the bolt of her jaw. “Say it again. Please.”

Lena tilts her chin so that her lips brush against Kara’s ear. “I love you.”

Lena can physically feel Kara shudder in her arms. She wonders if it’s from the words or the feel of her breath on her skin.

“I love you so much,” Lena continues, high on the effect she has on Kara. “You’re all I ever think about. I always want to be with you. You make me feel safe, like myself. Like you care about me no matter what.”

“I do,” Kara insists immediately. She sounds teary. “I do.”

She cups Lena’s face in her hands and kisses her, rough. It’s sloppy but passionate and it makes Lena’s fingertips tingle and her belly warm.

“Fuck,” Kara mutters a moment later, blinking a few times. “We really need to go.”

Lena shakes her head, sitting up fully so she can twine her fingers into the hem of Kara’s shirt.

“I don’t want to go back to my parents. I’d rather stay here where we can just forget everything. Forever, maybe.”

Kara laughs, but her eyes are starry.

“Pretty sure we’d die of dehydration before forever,” she points out, standing even as Lena is still holding on to her.

“It’ll probably rain soon,” Lena argues, even though it’s dry as a bone here and the weather has no plans of changing.

“Starvation, then,” Kara relents, untwisting one of Lena’s hands from her shirt and using it to help pull Lena to her feet.

Lena raises an eyebrow at her, hooking her arms around Kara’s neck. Kara circles her hands around her waist, pulling her closer almost automatically. Kara raises her eyebrows back at her.

“I think we’d have plenty to eat,” Lena says, pecking Kara once on the lips.

Kara blinks at her when she leans away, before bursting into a full bodied laugh and then ducking her head, still giggling. She mumbles something under her breath that Lena doesn’t catch. Lena loves when she can get Kara all flustered like this. She has an inkling that it’s going to be a lot easier to do now.

They somehow make it to the car, between stopping for kisses, and Kara makes a big show of opening Lena’s door for her and helping her in, kissing her hand after. Lena uses that hand to shove at Kara’s forehead, and Kara falls out of the car laughing and shuts the door behind her.

When Kara gets in, she starts up the car but doesn’t start driving. She reaches across Lena to sift through the glove compartment, probably to find a tape she wants to play, a big difference from their journey here.

Lena pats Kara on the head. Kara tips her head back to glare at her, her nose wrinkled adorably.

“I’m not your puppy,” Kara grumbles when she goes back to rummaging. Lena can hear her smile.

“You’d go fetch for me,” Lena insists. “I just need to train you properly.” This time she pats Kara on her upturned hip. Kara’s skin is warm where her shirt has ridden up.

Kara doesn’t reply, so Lena assumes she’s blushing and takes it as a win.

Kara eventually finds what she was searching for and pops it in the player. She hits play as she drives off, taking Lena’s hand in hers.

It’s ABBA’s _Arrival_ , which is Kara’s favorite album. Kara begins singing along to _When I Kissed the Teacher_ with more enthusiasm than anyone driving at three in the morning on a dark road should. Lena smiles. No matter the time, she loves to listen to Kara sing.

They arrive back at Lena’s house, or, close to Lena’s house, only a few minutes after the album ends. Kara switches the car off and gives Lena a pouty look.

“We’ll see each other soon,” Lena placates. “I didn’t even get to tell you about Helen.”

“Who’s Helen?” Kara asks instantly, and Lena has to stop herself from laughing.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lena says. “I’ll tell you next time. I don’t want to ruin this.”

Kara shakes her head. “You could never ruin this.”

Lena’s features go all soft as she turns to mush inside. She really does love Kara so much.

“Come here,” Lena commands, and Kara willingly comes forward to kiss Lena.

It’s sweet and slow and everything Lena has ever wanted to have with Kara. In the quiet of the car, the slick sound of their lips moving together echoes, and it makes Lena grip Kara’s hand a little tighter.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Lena presses one final kiss to Kara’s cheek. Kara nods, reluctant. Her eyes seem to beg Lena not to go, and Lena feels a little guilty. But she has no choice. She steps out of the car.

(What Lena has never noticed, is that every time she leaves, Kara is always begging for her to stay.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after 50k words they finally kiss! you’re welcome 😌 my original intention had been that they’d kiss here but they still wouldn’t admit to loving each other so the slow burn would continue ft kissing but when i actually wrote it i couldn’t stop them. oh well. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed this chapter! i had a lot of back and forth about whether or not i liked my writing in this one, but i think that was just because i read it too many times now lol
> 
> tell me what you thought? x


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